Friday, May 02, 2014

Techno-Lover


The 4-play runs off the keystroke.  Not the tongue.
And we can only touch the emotion thru gestures and kind words while we stare at the white screen which tells our eyes we are looking at each other.
Words manifested, written, and spoken in our minds thru this electricity.

Am I dreaming?
When someone captures my attention.  It is almost always through the simple words we use each day.  Arranged in a fashion so uncommon to my ear.  Especially since I have  been here, in Topeka.

Now at first sight.  I would say there isnt much to me.  Skinny black guy, token, smile.  At hello most notice I am well spoken (depending on where my head is, lol).  And in conversation I am a man of content, principles, and perspective.

Topeka, Kansas.  You aspire to be a big city, but you have the mentality of a small town.  And so your bright minds flutter away to the BRIGHT lights of cities you can see in the sky.
Everyday I watch the wind blow away these wonderful women like the seeds of a dandelion.
And this is my home.

The Dream.

I am suffocating under these keys.  Sick of the ringtones, and message alarms.  All my thoughts are in the clouds.  And the thunder god is laughing.
To find romance at such a long distance.  Intoxicated with only words and warm gestures.  While resting in a cold bed only made comfortable from my own body heat, and a silence that leaves me in the very thoughts I am trying to escape.
Loosing consciousness.

Awaking,
to that soft voice over the phone.  The Phone.  It rang me from my peace.  And while the voice is soothing, I only hoped it would have been preceded by soft lips upon my cheek.  Instead I trade my body heat once again to warm the phone upon my face..... but I do not mind, the voice distracts me so much from these things.
Amazing how you can feel so close to someone who is so far away.  But any place, is only a day away in the 21st Century.  Our chains are our decisions, commitments, responsibilities, and goals made before we knew either of us existed in each other, in this way.

A Dream.
Surely you are but a dream.  I cannot touch you, smell your aura, your exhale.  Our physical selves are simply abstract in this format.
I do not posses you in any fashion.
I process you, in every fashion.
The electricity in my brain travels thru my hands, thru my computer, thru these electrical lines, to your eyes and processed in your mind, before the process is..... repeated in the opposite..... direction.

This electrical Song of Solomon.
Shared between us....... Ha.  (And whoever else is watching.)

All the while we hunger for the past time of our species.  A primal need to feed this flesh.
The scent.
The sight.
The touch.
The sex.

Still, for now.  We are only left with the interaction of our minds.  Hoping the first close encounter, when and if it takes place.
Lives up to This Dream, we have built up in our minds.


Patience, a true Virtue.





Monday, April 14, 2014

Until it kills me





The pace of time can raise or break a man.

I prefer progress.  RISE.  I didn't peak in high school.  I haven't peaked yet.  I have always sought to elevate myself mentally, physically, and in my position in life.  All that I have and all I have became has come at a cost.

Do yourself a favor on day and push away the mental blocks on all the information that comes crashing down upon you for one moment.  Love everything in your immediate sight like you would the eyes of a lover or some exotic sunset. Till even a napkin is another world in itself.  On other words,

 -"Stop and smell the roses"-

Reality in it's most raw form humbles you to your knees and makes you cry.  It is too much.  And remember..... Your breathing the whole time.  Take a moment to really cherish that, like each was your first, until it's your last.

I believe that is the true worship of God himself.

And these are my happy places when everything around me is crumbling like parched earth between my hands along a river of ash, death, pain, and betrayal.  When muthafuckaz I hold down don't do like they suppose to, and instead disrespect me like I would expect from this world of apathy rather than my select few............

In those times there is nothing to do but Center. And find my peace.  My quite.  My passion for all things, and all emotion.  Before God, if he is willing.  I will grow old in wisdom from this hard bitter sweet life and shed leaves of content to the youth, like a tree sheds leaves to the grass to consume and grow. For as long as I do not intend to die, I intend to grow stronger.

And find my Peace.






Sunday, March 02, 2014



I started writing again.
Funny it seems that as the years go by life and the perception of time seems to alter.  More question, less answers.  Even falsehoods exposed.
Just as well, though I may seem at home in  most social engagements, people have become much more difficult to ascertain.  Navigate rather, especially in a room of deep thinkers and those with agendas.
My politically correct filter is fading.  I just say whatever I feel.
And naturally, people get upset.

The Gay debate, abortion, politics, infidelity, etc, etc........ black people, lol.

Recently I was asked to participate in a weekly table talk kind of sit down to be streamed on youtube.
I find this request very compelling, I can say what I wanna say and random anonymous people can judge me on an open forum, haha.  Kind of like my blog, but not as demanding on the eyes.
And I can dig that.
But just as well, I can not help but wonder how many people with agree with what may come out of my mouth.  Especially since I am being brought aboard to be controversial.

You know,
I have always tried my best to be a man of substance.  I admire people with content.  And the older I get, the more I hunger for intellectual interaction.  Especially so when I find myself out of my own depts, or not as quick as the next man.  It happens too, mostly because, and this is even crazier, I attract these people to me.  These people talk to me, they think I know what the hell they talking about too, and demand input as much as I do.  To be challenged.  And I try, haha.  I have no idea what they walk away from these encounters with in regards to whatever perspective I gave them.  I simply walk away pissed I did not read a certain book, or that i wasnt up on a subject I may never have covered otherwise.
I have a habit of generalizing a read, rather than remembering specific details.  I mean give me a break I read most of this stuff for pleasure, not for a class.

Anyway,
I am looking forward to this table talk.  I will most likely share them on my blog as they are posted.
I know I have not written on here in a long while,  mostly because life has been more demanding these last few years professionally as well as personally.
Worry not.
I will always write.
I am a scribe.


Sunday, September 23, 2012

Untitled Nature



I once told a Butterfly she was mine
And she smiled and fluttered away
So like a child I gave chase
Then pause- As she landed to tongue kiss a flower

When my time is at an end
         I pray I'm in arms as tears drop rain upon me
Life is so much Emotion
                          So much Change
                    And it seems / Nothing remains

A Honeybee told me to just BE
And she would come to me like a flower in the garden
But being human, I lacked the virtue of patients
I moved about to much and scared all the bees away
I live at my pace
                   It's all too fast
                          or too slow
Life is so much Emotion
                         So much Change
                   And it seems / Nothing remains

The She Mantis was beautiful
                           Dangerous
She seduced me with her gaze
We made love
                     Then she consumed me

In life I chased
I lacked patience
I gave in to Love & Beauty

The Tear drops are my own

It's cold

I hold myself

Life is so much Emotion......
                         So much Change.....
                And it seems / Nothing remains

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Tunnel Vision

Things can play out in a pattern. I have stopped writing for sometime, because sharing the pain and current status of my life I felt, would be far too much of a downer to put on the people who come and have came here in better days.

 Here we are.

 I am troubled about my son and his mother. My love life is complicated, and I am sick of complicated relationships. Work is steady, though not as lucrative as it once was. Most of these problems are temporary.

 Faith in my fellow kind as all but vanished.

I am on my own. 

I pray for serenity, wisdom, strength, and motivation.

Living today for tomorrow. Living. In spite of my despair, I fill my days with productive endeavors. I have recently taken up running and exercising (about two months in now). My writing has focused more on music and projects I have with people who have talents I totally respect. I loose myself in books, fiction or non fiction, from fantasy novels to books of essays concerning modern life, as well as events of the past, and I look at the stars a lot.

 I am no coward.

 I was built for this. I will pull thru to laugh at my chains in the end. Least I intend to, and that keeps me going.

 With that said, I am still -In a Place-.

 My soul is tired, my heart is broken, my limit is reached.
 I think about this when fatigue really sets in as a run. I really just stay focused on the next step, and it makes me feel so alive. And sometimes I smile. I treasure moments of communion with others, never shy from a laugh, and try my best to appreciate what people say as I would like them to do for me. Basically just treasuring every breath I still get to make. Amazingly I still feel as if something is waiting for me, but life is........ full of possibilities. And even when I feel as if I am truly doomed, it fuels me to keep going. I have no intention of letting this world beat ME.

 I want to die fighting. I know we all have battles to fight in life. I hope if nothing else I am an inspiration to those who feel as hopeless as I do at times. These moments are ultimately brief anyway. 

Joy, Pain, Sorrow, whatever may come. 
Might as well live it to the fullest. I hope I don't regret not keeping this to myself.

 I love you all, but you disappoint me so much.
And I know in this world, That is just my problem........and I will handle that.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

In a Place


I realize that I am in a place now.
I reached out, but no one was there.
I know this blog has seen better days, and I don't expect anyone to follow me on THIS Journey.
I have to ride and write this out because i never want to forget this.
This is my LIFE and I am a Writer........
A Scribe.

Two parts, (1st one)

I really analyze sadness when it comes to me.
People will say what they will, but it's just what I do.

Bad Luck, disappointment, a broken heart. Most of my problems are with people.
From a lover to an associate,
I'm just not good at people.

Let me say this.....
"I still believe I am a good guy."
I know I can't sit here and say I finished last, but I feel that way.
-Dead Last-
Or at least always second place to someone or something.
You know, there is an emptiness about time where I am at right now.
Why have I been alone all these years. Unable to connect on a mutual base with anyone?
/WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!/
I ask this question like I would ask how to fix a car or computer.
I just want to fix it and move on.
This isn't written for anyone to feel sorry for me, or pity me.
-I despise that-

I am just Tired.
Tired of doing this shit........Alone.

(2nd)

Is this Ink my salvation? My comforter? My truest friend?
You speak for me. I can tell you anything.
We are One in time. You have been my Youth, My Voice, My Silent Orator.
The Keeper and Speaker of my secrets.
My naked Soul.
My Testament.
You remind me of my convictions, my promises, my ambition, my self.
The Black and White of a gray soul depicted on paper or monitor screen.
This part of me for the masses when I no longer care who's looking.
Who will judge.
Who will use you against me.

I simply swim in the scribbles of my raving mind and Find shelter in this storm of emotion.
Especially when I am Tired of Trying to make sense of it all.
Especially when I Fall.
And from times long ago you have reached out and touched me, even now.
To take me Deeper, or raise me Up when I am too lost in my own Despair.
I shall Love you ForEver.
And when I am gone,
You will tell them.

-I was Here-

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Big man/Little man.




Ok so....... where to begin?

I have issues with masculinity. Mostly because I'm still a skinny dude.
I traded the athletic days of my youth for books, music, and conversation. Still I have managed to stay in pretty good shape through the years. I don't look like the old man I am on the inside, haha (knee slapper).

Manhood is one of those things ya know.
My father was a very manly guy, even to this day in his old age he can be an intimidating figure. I know that all the good qualities about him have become a blueprint to me of the measure of a man. And sometime I ask myself if I have been a better man than him, even without the manly physical qualities he possessed.
Subconsciously I find myself sizing up men all the time. I used to fight a lot when I was growing up, and I was good at it. So I wonder a lot how I would hold up in a fight now that the years have gone by. My job is like a gym locker room, full of alpha male egos, man-jokes, and who's got the biggest dick conversations. Needless to say I am totally immersed in testosterone.
Hell the first time I watched the movie 300 I couldn't help but feel like a woman. Haha.

Thing is, I don't think that this is just me. As a matter of fact I know it isn't.
These are the things that concern men in general I am willing to bet.
Along with Power, money, women, and the size of our dicks. I go out to clubs and find my self in a scene so superficial I usually choose not to participate. And still I understand it in all of it's "human nature".

Women. This post isn't a women why some women like me and some don't post, but. I do analyze what women are and aren't into. And how I fit into that relation. I forget that I am skinny a lot. There is such a big man inside this small frame. And I don't carry myself like a skinny guy. LOL, mostly because I tend to forget how small I am. If I am that small anyway. Could all just be in my head. I doubt that though.
Suppose I could just hit the gym.
I don't wanna be a BIG guy though, I just wanna stay in shape.
However small I may be I have always depicted myself image as a larger man than I seem. Pride myself on personality, and accomplishment. As well as depth.

None of this takes away a certain insecurity I get from not developing into the physical man my father was, or even my concept of what a man should be physically while most of my peers grew to be what I considered (physically) as men. Though most aren't half the man as I.
I am not a hairy man, I am not a large man. I can't grow a beard and most of my body hasn't changed much since I was 17 or 19.
So, self consciously I wonder what women think of me when they see me. Especially the ones who are totally into me, and especially those who see me naked.

Ultimately I don't feel I live up to my own personal image of self sometimes, and I don't like that.
I hope that (mentally) isn't holding me back.

Enough.