Nature's Son...(For Stuart)Part 2

continued...............

When Stuart was released a few days later, Jim, Matt, and I went to his house to see him. We took a walk and talked about things, regular things to take our mind off the fact one of us would be gone soon and i think we all knew it, just affraid to admit it to each other and to ourselves. It was impossible to imagine ourselves without him. Sometimes it still is.
He confessed to us that he was seeing a girl that we all figured had had already slept with, but we were wrong because they had just recently consummated the relationship. And she was the one who took him to the hospital after he cut himself because he called her. And when he died I have no doubt she became a little more lost than the rest of us because they were good for each other, but what can you do when you find someone who loves you and then they die soon after? I suppose if you're young enough you move on and try to find soemone else to fill the void before it becomes and cancer. I wonder how she's doing.

He didn't want to stay at his place, and we didn't want him to either, and so we all went to my place and hung out for awhile, talking and reminiscing about just random shit. I wish I could remember every detail and every laugh and wink and trash-talk we mad that day, that last day, but i can't remember the conversation any more than I can remember what he wore in his casket-laid out for everyone to get one last look. What I do remember is at some point he went outside, to get some air - he was tired of being indoors. Torn between my desire to give him space and smother him with reasurring love, I decided to join him after a short while. He was sitting on the ground in the parking lot, thinking. I'm not sure what - I can't really remember. He was simply afraid he was crazy and his mind was slipping. I told him we all have times of doubt, where it seems like everything is going wrong and there isn't any reason to go on, and yet here we are - barley twenty-one and almost a lifetime ahead of us. He was afraid, he told me and he wanted a hug and so I gave him one and he cried in my shoulder. To think, a few weeks ago he was giving me a speech, when things were going to shit with Angela, about how life was worth living and we were too young to give up finding that one true love. I had never entertained the thought of suicide, but I appreciate the sentiment and felt relieved someone could see thing from my perspective. This man who told me how precious life is, was sobbing in my arms because he was tired of living.

The irony was lost to me at the time.



Poem in Stuart's Blood

Nature's Son...(For Stuart)Part 1

In (Preacher #65), toward the end of the series, Jesse Custer (our main guy) tracks down and proceeds to beat the shit out of his best friend, Cassidy. You see, sinc the beginning of the series, Cassidy and Jesse have been best friends and yet bad shit goes down-Cassidy makes some bad decisions-and Jesse decides the only way to set things right is to teach Cassidy a lesson by beating him senseless. Amidst the hail of fists Jesse reigns down on Cassidy, he shouts at him "Goddamn you! You asshole! Why the fuck did you let me down so bad!" And if I ever catch up with Stuart again. I'll do the same thing to him.

I was asked to write something about the man, and I am, but instead of talking to you about all the great times we had-the times we flirted with strangers in their homes, the times we ran around Highland Park High doing shit we had no real reason for doing, the times we first introduced pornography and hentai to our various circles of friends, the time we sat down and created Action Figure Theatre-I thought instead I'll tell you abou the day he died...and what happened after.
Here we go.
When Angela first told me the bad news I was performing a small play by Amira Baraka, called Dutchman with Saya Scott in front of an American Lit class (of which Lisa was one of the students-sitting front row, Coincidentally enough.) Saya's phone rings and it's Angela telling me that she had some bad news and was coming to pick me up. After the play I chatted with some people and then waited for Angela. In the car home she told me the news-Stuart had cut his wrist and tried to kill himself last night. And, of course, the tears came immediately because - and i really do believe this, especially now, looking back- I knew already he was dead. He was just biding his time, not wanting to leave without giving the appropriate farewells. And so we saw him in the hospital, and he looked happy, despite it all. The doctors said he was bi-polar.




Nature's Son