On Notice.

I may becoming to a close on this blog. I can't really be sure.
Apparently most of my writing super powers have been spent. Also, to be quite honest, I was so much better at this when I was an egotistical asshole...... oh well.
My arrogance and selfishness were actually a creative drive that I still to this day think I needed at the time. My "attitude" really help me take it where I wanted it to be mostly because I abandoned all self consciousness. And until I get that back or simply adapt to whoever this is I am now. I really can't say where this is going. Besides I don't like being so..... so..... speechless at times, and self analytical. Unless those who still do read actually wanna hear about a man who is approaching middle age in the next few years.

So.
What have we learned in the last 6 years? What remains a constant?
The closest people fuck you and console you. I have not abandoned my "self reliance", and still I quest for someone who will spark my faith in my fellow mankind.
I am sooo tired of living his life alone. True I was married, but she was not with me, and that is the only reason we are apart. I was basically sleeping with the enemy. All the judging and putting me down on a daily basis may very well have drained me creatively now that i think about it.

And all of a sudden, I get this feeling I have had before. Like nothing I say even matters. Just words in the wind. I feel that way in court, I feel that way in discussions, and in dealings of the heart overall. What is the point? Words in the wind.
I've withdrawn to this place where I totally shelter myself now. So I work a lot to pay people what I owe and to keep a roof over my head so I can continue to shy from the public eye. A collapse within. I still hold faith that this is just a phase and I will be back.

I can't even sit down and write a song anymore.
Like the guy in all my previous work is someone else entirely.

Yeah I get depressed sometimes too. I think that is mostly because I miss my friends. I mean anyone I really give a damn about is not in Kansas, and I'm trapped here. Just so we are clear, I get depressed, I don't have Low self esteem, I don't suffer from depression on a continuous basis. I just get depressed sometimes, because I am dealing with situations and none of the people involved seem to give a damn about me.

I don't wanna walk alone anymore. Tired of doing this on my own. But I will lie in the bed I made, before I lay with a love I loathe again.

So here we go........I must proceed...... BaBy StEpS.

Driftwood

I'm just floating right now man.
8 track press play shit. No real direction, just coasting in the mainstream.

Ya know. I made a lot of bad decisions the last four years. I think I am just gonna hit cruise on this next one and chill the fuck out.

So anyway.
I'm good, the foods good, those women over there are pretty, and I like this car. I don't want no trouble from you all man, I'm just chilling. I wanna take you out some time sista, and I don't care if you fucking or not. I just love a woman's conversation.
I miss My niggaz, my peoples, my peeps, my click, my Cool De Las.
Miss breaking bread like Jesus did with my disciples, but they on they journeys and I am happy for them. I close my eyes and I open them. I love the way the sunshine and illuminates my room in the morning. And in my solitude I smile. I am at peace with myself.

Ya know I stopped writing for awhile because I just felt like I was loosing it. I can't be getting on here the few times I do and just talk about my problems. We all got problems right? Still, I gotta keep going at this to get my swag back. Because I love me! And I love what we do! And it is time to get back to business as usual. Damnit!!
I'm taking my arrogance back man, because I just spent most of the last 2 years around some fake ass people and one in particular who didn't even like the awesome muthafucka that I am.

2am.
Wide awake with words.
Writing as natural as I breathe, drunk or sober.
My heart is at home in these sweetest of moments. My hands love the stroke of the keys, because creating is so much better than sex most times. Laying out the blueprints of the human mind and experience to be looked upon when these eyes have aged beyond their youth. I wonder now what the old man will make of it.
I bet he will say that it was all so complicated to the point that we made such a fuss over simple decisions. Because a decision can last you a lifetime.
I told my son that once, over and over again. :)

And sometimes I wanna be somebody else. And sometimes I wanna just die.............. but I'm alive. And life is about feeling like that sometimes. Because sometimes we fall, we crack, we break, we cry, and we shy from the sun.

In those moments i never forget that we also have fun, have conversation, have awesome sex, see good movies, good art, make new friends, new experiences, and tomorrow can be just as full of wonderful possibilities as yesterdays bad.

And once again, we lie in the sun.

I'm smiling.