And Unbelievable Loss

I lost my cousin this morning.  💔😢😖

He was a favorite.  I was 14 years his senior.  And I still remember him fresh.  Just weeks old.  

Watching him grow was a blessing.  I swear this life is not for the weak.  It takes and takes....... and takes. 

I have no idea how I will continue to process this as time passes. 

I love you Earon Deayon Cooper.  

And I will carry your memory with me until I join you in The essence myself.  

My only peace is that I never took this man forgranted.   And he knew I loved him so.....

Random Tithes and Mortality

 I used to dwell in my thoughts.  

They were such a lovely place.

I'd spend a day in music and the rantings of my mind.  

Writing down whatever came, for pages and pages.  Some of which made it upon the ramblings of this blog.  

And I had so much to give.  

Ya know.  I believe a man's relationship with women commonly will be two sided.  We can have true meaningful relationships with women and still see many of them as objects.  Reducing them simply to thier sexuality.  We have always been that way to some degree.  

The sexuality of a woman can be so intimidating or simply preceed her to the point we forget or overlook that we are dealing with a human being with the faults of all the rest.  

It's funny these days as I watch the traditions of man and woman hood become blurred I simply embrace that I am growing old and I am all too willing to move out of the way.  

Looking ahead.  I have more years behind me than ahead.  

My body is well, but I see the changes.  Still young enough, but time is pushing me forward faster.  

And the world is changing.  

But I embrace it.  

My years are my pride.  They have been good.  I'm trying to enjoy all that lies ahead.  Be it a day or 40 more years.  

Not really sure about how long I wish to remain here.  But resolved that the things out of my control will take care of themselves.  

My ego is young. 

My body is ancient beyond my comprehension.

And one with the world.  

All that I am is one with the world.  

As old as the universe.  

Connected to the very essence of time and space it self.

A table was prepared and a brew made so that I and those like me could witness this. 

A reality totally out of our control. 

And just enough time to be, breath, and breed.  

A blink in the vastness.   

Overwhelming. 

Like having sight but still being blind.  

It is all too much to take in. 

Or take with you.  

To cope most will simply ignore all of THIS.

And just enjoy the day.  

Until all the days are used up. 

...........

And I suppose that's OK. 

Whatever you gotta do.  

Hoplessly in Love.

No words hold me closer than the sweetness of the love portrayed across your face.

It slows me in my pace yet makes my heart race.

I want this.

Loving that the object of my affection sleeps   and wakes to the beat of a drum all her own.
Calm as a gentle breeze.
Wild as a cyclone
Each taste is an unpredictable delicious brew.
So again and again the feeling is renewed.
And I loose myself within it with a wish, to never be found. 

"Dreaming."

Let's begin Again

45.  

Big WoW.  

But here we are. Still living.  Still writing.  Still fighting. And on another level.... Still exciting!?

Am I still worthy of this blog?  Can I still do this?  Even if it is still just for me. 

Should my content have changed?  I don't know, more maturity maybe.  Something more incite full that transcends my former self or outlook on life.  I mean, anyone who has read this stuff knows I have always been a pretty DEEP dude.

And I must admit.  I've spent the last ten years visiting this blog from time to time to revel at the rants I've posted on here as a younger man with an amusement that only fresh eyes could have giving me from a more "mature" self.   The young man has grown older to read the very words he intentionally wrote for his older self. 

Amusing indeed. LOL

I'm going to try and do this.  I still have no shame.   I'll write WHATEVER LOL.  

I don't know what it will be like.  But I'm going to continue to write on this blog like it's a job.  It will come back to me. I'm still kinda twisted.  I just need to compartmentalize just a bit of my arrogance for the pages.  Or just figure out what kinda pool I wanna sit in and see who gets in with me. 

So much has changed.  I will go into how I'm processing that.  Trying my best not to offend anyone with an honest truth I intend to bring to these pages.  I feel as if I've made it back home into a castle I'd left ages ago.  In a different time and place.  

And now here I am.  

Back on the Throne. 

Built within the ranting and ravings of my own words.  

Being mindful as well. Of the Lovely places the same words once took me.   

JOY.

 

 

Techno-Lover

The 4-play runs off the keystroke.  Not the tongue.
And we can only touch the emotion thru gestures and kind words while we stare at the white screen which tells our eyes we are looking at each other.
Words manifested, written, and spoken in our minds thru this electricity.

Am I dreaming?
When someone captures my attention.  It is almost always through the simple words we use each day.  Arranged in a fashion so uncommon to my ear.  Especially since I have  been here, in Topeka.

Now at first sight.  I would say there isnt much to me.  Skinny black guy, token, smile.  At hello most notice I am well spoken (depending on where my head is, lol).  And in conversation I am a man of content, principles, and perspective.

Topeka, Kansas.  You aspire to be a big city, but you have the mentality of a small town.  And so your bright minds flutter away to the BRIGHT lights of cities you can see in the sky.
Everyday I watch the wind blow away these wonderful women like the seeds of a dandelion.
And this is my home.

The Dream.

I am suffocating under these keys.  Sick of the ringtones, and message alarms.  All my thoughts are in the clouds.  And the thunder god is laughing.
To find romance at such a long distance.  Intoxicated with only words and warm gestures.  While resting in a cold bed only made comfortable from my own body heat, and a silence that leaves me in the very thoughts I am trying to escape.
Loosing consciousness.

Awaking,
to that soft voice over the phone.  The Phone.  It rang me from my peace.  And while the voice is soothing, I only hoped it would have been preceded by soft lips upon my cheek.  Instead I trade my body heat once again to warm the phone upon my face..... but I do not mind, the voice distracts me so much from these things.
Amazing how you can feel so close to someone who is so far away.  But any place, is only a day away in the 21st Century.  Our chains are our decisions, commitments, responsibilities, and goals made before we knew either of us existed in each other, in this way.

A Dream.
Surely you are but a dream.  I cannot touch you, smell your aura, your exhale.  Our physical selves are simply abstract in this format.
I do not posses you in any fashion.
I process you, in every fashion.
The electricity in my brain travels thru my hands, thru my computer, thru these electrical lines, to your eyes and processed in your mind, before the process is..... repeated in the opposite..... direction.

This electrical Song of Solomon.
Shared between us....... Ha.  (And whoever else is watching.)

All the while we hunger for the past time of our species.  A primal need to feed this flesh.
The scent.
The sight.
The touch.
The sex.

Still, for now.  We are only left with the interaction of our minds.  Hoping the first close encounter, when and if it takes place.
Lives up to This Dream, we have built up in our minds.


Patience, a true Virtue.

Until it kills me

The pace of time can raise or break a man.

I prefer progress.  RISE.  I didn't peak in high school.  I haven't peaked yet.  I have always sought to elevate myself mentally, physically, and in my position in life.  All that I have and all I have became has come at a cost.

Do yourself a favor on day and push away the mental blocks on all the information that comes crashing down upon you for one moment.  Love everything in your immediate sight like you would the eyes of a lover or some exotic sunset. Till even a napkin is another world in itself.  On other words,

 -"Stop and smell the roses"-

Reality in it's most raw form humbles you to your knees and makes you cry.  It is too much.  And remember..... Your breathing the whole time.  Take a moment to really cherish that, like each was your first, until it's your last.

I believe that is the true worship of God himself.

And these are my happy places when everything around me is crumbling like parched earth between my hands along a river of ash, death, pain, and betrayal.  When muthafuckaz I hold down don't do like they suppose to, and instead disrespect me like I would expect from this world of apathy rather than my select few............

In those times there is nothing to do but Center. And find my peace.  My quite.  My passion for all things, and all emotion.  Before God, if he is willing.  I will grow old in wisdom from this hard bitter sweet life and shed leaves of content to the youth, like a tree sheds leaves to the grass to consume and grow. For as long as I do not intend to die, I intend to grow stronger.

And find my Peace.

I started writing again.
Funny it seems that as the years go by life and the perception of time seems to alter.  More question, less answers.  Even falsehoods exposed.
Just as well, though I may seem at home in  most social engagements, people have become much more difficult to ascertain.  Navigate rather, especially in a room of deep thinkers and those with agendas.
My politically correct filter is fading.  I just say whatever I feel.
And naturally, people get upset.

The Gay debate, abortion, politics, infidelity, etc, etc........ black people, lol.

Recently I was asked to participate in a weekly table talk kind of sit down to be streamed on youtube.
I find this request very compelling, I can say what I wanna say and random anonymous people can judge me on an open forum, haha.  Kind of like my blog, but not as demanding on the eyes.
And I can dig that.
But just as well, I can not help but wonder how many people with agree with what may come out of my mouth.  Especially since I am being brought aboard to be controversial.

You know,
I have always tried my best to be a man of substance.  I admire people with content.  And the older I get, the more I hunger for intellectual interaction.  Especially so when I find myself out of my own depts, or not as quick as the next man.  It happens too, mostly because, and this is even crazier, I attract these people to me.  These people talk to me, they think I know what the hell they talking about too, and demand input as much as I do.  To be challenged.  And I try, haha.  I have no idea what they walk away from these encounters with in regards to whatever perspective I gave them.  I simply walk away pissed I did not read a certain book, or that i wasnt up on a subject I may never have covered otherwise.
I have a habit of generalizing a read, rather than remembering specific details.  I mean give me a break I read most of this stuff for pleasure, not for a class.

Anyway,
I am looking forward to this table talk.  I will most likely share them on my blog as they are posted.
I know I have not written on here in a long while,  mostly because life has been more demanding these last few years professionally as well as personally.
Worry not.
I will always write.
I am a scribe.

Untitled Nature

I once told a Butterfly she was mine
And she smiled and fluttered away
So like a child I gave chase
Then pause- As she landed to tongue kiss a flower

When my time is at an end
         I pray I'm in arms as tears drop rain upon me
Life is so much Emotion
                          So much Change
                    And it seems / Nothing remains

A Honeybee told me to just BE
And she would come to me like a flower in the garden
But being human, I lacked the virtue of patients
I moved about to much and scared all the bees away
I live at my pace
                   It's all too fast
                          or too slow
Life is so much Emotion
                         So much Change
                   And it seems / Nothing remains

The She Mantis was beautiful
                           Dangerous
She seduced me with her gaze
We made love
                     Then she consumed me

In life I chased
I lacked patience
I gave in to Love & Beauty

The Tear drops are my own

It's cold

I hold myself

Life is so much Emotion......
                         So much Change.....
                And it seems / Nothing remains