Techno-Lover

The 4-play runs off the keystroke.  Not the tongue.
And we can only touch the emotion thru gestures and kind words while we stare at the white screen which tells our eyes we are looking at each other.
Words manifested, written, and spoken in our minds thru this electricity.

Am I dreaming?
When someone captures my attention.  It is almost always through the simple words we use each day.  Arranged in a fashion so uncommon to my ear.  Especially since I have  been here, in Topeka.

Now at first sight.  I would say there isnt much to me.  Skinny black guy, token, smile.  At hello most notice I am well spoken (depending on where my head is, lol).  And in conversation I am a man of content, principles, and perspective.

Topeka, Kansas.  You aspire to be a big city, but you have the mentality of a small town.  And so your bright minds flutter away to the BRIGHT lights of cities you can see in the sky.
Everyday I watch the wind blow away these wonderful women like the seeds of a dandelion.
And this is my home.

The Dream.

I am suffocating under these keys.  Sick of the ringtones, and message alarms.  All my thoughts are in the clouds.  And the thunder god is laughing.
To find romance at such a long distance.  Intoxicated with only words and warm gestures.  While resting in a cold bed only made comfortable from my own body heat, and a silence that leaves me in the very thoughts I am trying to escape.
Loosing consciousness.

Awaking,
to that soft voice over the phone.  The Phone.  It rang me from my peace.  And while the voice is soothing, I only hoped it would have been preceded by soft lips upon my cheek.  Instead I trade my body heat once again to warm the phone upon my face..... but I do not mind, the voice distracts me so much from these things.
Amazing how you can feel so close to someone who is so far away.  But any place, is only a day away in the 21st Century.  Our chains are our decisions, commitments, responsibilities, and goals made before we knew either of us existed in each other, in this way.

A Dream.
Surely you are but a dream.  I cannot touch you, smell your aura, your exhale.  Our physical selves are simply abstract in this format.
I do not posses you in any fashion.
I process you, in every fashion.
The electricity in my brain travels thru my hands, thru my computer, thru these electrical lines, to your eyes and processed in your mind, before the process is..... repeated in the opposite..... direction.

This electrical Song of Solomon.
Shared between us....... Ha.  (And whoever else is watching.)

All the while we hunger for the past time of our species.  A primal need to feed this flesh.
The scent.
The sight.
The touch.
The sex.

Still, for now.  We are only left with the interaction of our minds.  Hoping the first close encounter, when and if it takes place.
Lives up to This Dream, we have built up in our minds.


Patience, a true Virtue.

Until it kills me

The pace of time can raise or break a man.

I prefer progress.  RISE.  I didn't peak in high school.  I haven't peaked yet.  I have always sought to elevate myself mentally, physically, and in my position in life.  All that I have and all I have became has come at a cost.

Do yourself a favor on day and push away the mental blocks on all the information that comes crashing down upon you for one moment.  Love everything in your immediate sight like you would the eyes of a lover or some exotic sunset. Till even a napkin is another world in itself.  On other words,

 -"Stop and smell the roses"-

Reality in it's most raw form humbles you to your knees and makes you cry.  It is too much.  And remember..... Your breathing the whole time.  Take a moment to really cherish that, like each was your first, until it's your last.

I believe that is the true worship of God himself.

And these are my happy places when everything around me is crumbling like parched earth between my hands along a river of ash, death, pain, and betrayal.  When muthafuckaz I hold down don't do like they suppose to, and instead disrespect me like I would expect from this world of apathy rather than my select few............

In those times there is nothing to do but Center. And find my peace.  My quite.  My passion for all things, and all emotion.  Before God, if he is willing.  I will grow old in wisdom from this hard bitter sweet life and shed leaves of content to the youth, like a tree sheds leaves to the grass to consume and grow. For as long as I do not intend to die, I intend to grow stronger.

And find my Peace.

I started writing again.
Funny it seems that as the years go by life and the perception of time seems to alter.  More question, less answers.  Even falsehoods exposed.
Just as well, though I may seem at home in  most social engagements, people have become much more difficult to ascertain.  Navigate rather, especially in a room of deep thinkers and those with agendas.
My politically correct filter is fading.  I just say whatever I feel.
And naturally, people get upset.

The Gay debate, abortion, politics, infidelity, etc, etc........ black people, lol.

Recently I was asked to participate in a weekly table talk kind of sit down to be streamed on youtube.
I find this request very compelling, I can say what I wanna say and random anonymous people can judge me on an open forum, haha.  Kind of like my blog, but not as demanding on the eyes.
And I can dig that.
But just as well, I can not help but wonder how many people with agree with what may come out of my mouth.  Especially since I am being brought aboard to be controversial.

You know,
I have always tried my best to be a man of substance.  I admire people with content.  And the older I get, the more I hunger for intellectual interaction.  Especially so when I find myself out of my own depts, or not as quick as the next man.  It happens too, mostly because, and this is even crazier, I attract these people to me.  These people talk to me, they think I know what the hell they talking about too, and demand input as much as I do.  To be challenged.  And I try, haha.  I have no idea what they walk away from these encounters with in regards to whatever perspective I gave them.  I simply walk away pissed I did not read a certain book, or that i wasnt up on a subject I may never have covered otherwise.
I have a habit of generalizing a read, rather than remembering specific details.  I mean give me a break I read most of this stuff for pleasure, not for a class.

Anyway,
I am looking forward to this table talk.  I will most likely share them on my blog as they are posted.
I know I have not written on here in a long while,  mostly because life has been more demanding these last few years professionally as well as personally.
Worry not.
I will always write.
I am a scribe.

Untitled Nature

I once told a Butterfly she was mine
And she smiled and fluttered away
So like a child I gave chase
Then pause- As she landed to tongue kiss a flower

When my time is at an end
         I pray I'm in arms as tears drop rain upon me
Life is so much Emotion
                          So much Change
                    And it seems / Nothing remains

A Honeybee told me to just BE
And she would come to me like a flower in the garden
But being human, I lacked the virtue of patients
I moved about to much and scared all the bees away
I live at my pace
                   It's all too fast
                          or too slow
Life is so much Emotion
                         So much Change
                   And it seems / Nothing remains

The She Mantis was beautiful
                           Dangerous
She seduced me with her gaze
We made love
                     Then she consumed me

In life I chased
I lacked patience
I gave in to Love & Beauty

The Tear drops are my own

It's cold

I hold myself

Life is so much Emotion......
                         So much Change.....
                And it seems / Nothing remains

Tunnel Vision

Things can play out in a pattern. I have stopped writing for sometime, because sharing the pain and current status of my life I felt, would be far too much of a downer to put on the people who come and have came here in better days.

 Here we are.

 I am troubled about my son and his mother. My love life is complicated, and I am sick of complicated relationships. Work is steady, though not as lucrative as it once was. Most of these problems are temporary.

 Faith in my fellow kind as all but vanished.

I am on my own. 

I pray for serenity, wisdom, strength, and motivation.

Living today for tomorrow. Living. In spite of my despair, I fill my days with productive endeavors. I have recently taken up running and exercising (about two months in now). My writing has focused more on music and projects I have with people who have talents I totally respect. I loose myself in books, fiction or non fiction, from fantasy novels to books of essays concerning modern life, as well as events of the past, and I look at the stars a lot.

 I am no coward.

 I was built for this. I will pull thru to laugh at my chains in the end. Least I intend to, and that keeps me going.

 With that said, I am still -In a Place-.

 My soul is tired, my heart is broken, my limit is reached.
 I think about this when fatigue really sets in as a run. I really just stay focused on the next step, and it makes me feel so alive. And sometimes I smile. I treasure moments of communion with others, never shy from a laugh, and try my best to appreciate what people say as I would like them to do for me. Basically just treasuring every breath I still get to make. Amazingly I still feel as if something is waiting for me, but life is........ full of possibilities. And even when I feel as if I am truly doomed, it fuels me to keep going. I have no intention of letting this world beat ME.

 I want to die fighting. I know we all have battles to fight in life. I hope if nothing else I am an inspiration to those who feel as hopeless as I do at times. These moments are ultimately brief anyway. 

Joy, Pain, Sorrow, whatever may come. 
Might as well live it to the fullest. I hope I don't regret not keeping this to myself.

 I love you all, but you disappoint me so much.
And I know in this world, That is just my problem........and I will handle that.

In a Place

I realize that I am in a place now.
I reached out, but no one was there.
I know this blog has seen better days, and I don't expect anyone to follow me on THIS Journey.
I have to ride and write this out because i never want to forget this.
This is my LIFE and I am a Writer........
A Scribe.

Two parts, (1st one)

I really analyze sadness when it comes to me.
People will say what they will, but it's just what I do.

Bad Luck, disappointment, a broken heart. Most of my problems are with people.
From a lover to an associate,
I'm just not good at people.

Let me say this.....
"I still believe I am a good guy."
I know I can't sit here and say I finished last, but I feel that way.
-Dead Last-
Or at least always second place to someone or something.
You know, there is an emptiness about time where I am at right now.
Why have I been alone all these years. Unable to connect on a mutual base with anyone?
/WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!/
I ask this question like I would ask how to fix a car or computer.
I just want to fix it and move on.
This isn't written for anyone to feel sorry for me, or pity me.
-I despise that-

I am just Tired.
Tired of doing this shit........Alone.

(2nd)

Is this Ink my salvation? My comforter? My truest friend?
You speak for me. I can tell you anything.
We are One in time. You have been my Youth, My Voice, My Silent Orator.
The Keeper and Speaker of my secrets.
My naked Soul.
My Testament.
You remind me of my convictions, my promises, my ambition, my self.
The Black and White of a gray soul depicted on paper or monitor screen.
This part of me for the masses when I no longer care who's looking.
Who will judge.
Who will use you against me.

I simply swim in the scribbles of my raving mind and Find shelter in this storm of emotion.
Especially when I am Tired of Trying to make sense of it all.
Especially when I Fall.
And from times long ago you have reached out and touched me, even now.
To take me Deeper, or raise me Up when I am too lost in my own Despair.
I shall Love you ForEver.
And when I am gone,
You will tell them.

-I was Here-

Big man/Little man.

Ok so....... where to begin?

I have issues with masculinity. Mostly because I'm still a skinny dude.
I traded the athletic days of my youth for books, music, and conversation. Still I have managed to stay in pretty good shape through the years. I don't look like the old man I am on the inside, haha (knee slapper).

Manhood is one of those things ya know.
My father was a very manly guy, even to this day in his old age he can be an intimidating figure. I know that all the good qualities about him have become a blueprint to me of the measure of a man. And sometime I ask myself if I have been a better man than him, even without the manly physical qualities he possessed.
Subconsciously I find myself sizing up men all the time. I used to fight a lot when I was growing up, and I was good at it. So I wonder a lot how I would hold up in a fight now that the years have gone by. My job is like a gym locker room, full of alpha male egos, man-jokes, and who's got the biggest dick conversations. Needless to say I am totally immersed in testosterone.
Hell the first time I watched the movie 300 I couldn't help but feel like a woman. Haha.

Thing is, I don't think that this is just me. As a matter of fact I know it isn't.
These are the things that concern men in general I am willing to bet.
Along with Power, money, women, and the size of our dicks. I go out to clubs and find my self in a scene so superficial I usually choose not to participate. And still I understand it in all of it's "human nature".

Women. This post isn't a women why some women like me and some don't post, but. I do analyze what women are and aren't into. And how I fit into that relation. I forget that I am skinny a lot. There is such a big man inside this small frame. And I don't carry myself like a skinny guy. LOL, mostly because I tend to forget how small I am. If I am that small anyway. Could all just be in my head. I doubt that though.
Suppose I could just hit the gym.
I don't wanna be a BIG guy though, I just wanna stay in shape.
However small I may be I have always depicted myself image as a larger man than I seem. Pride myself on personality, and accomplishment. As well as depth.

None of this takes away a certain insecurity I get from not developing into the physical man my father was, or even my concept of what a man should be physically while most of my peers grew to be what I considered (physically) as men. Though most aren't half the man as I.
I am not a hairy man, I am not a large man. I can't grow a beard and most of my body hasn't changed much since I was 17 or 19.
So, self consciously I wonder what women think of me when they see me. Especially the ones who are totally into me, and especially those who see me naked.

Ultimately I don't feel I live up to my own personal image of self sometimes, and I don't like that.
I hope that (mentally) isn't holding me back.

Enough.

Reflection Eternal

Growing up,
I reveled in my youth. All of it's emotion, feelings, flavors, colors, and places.
Walked in the bitter cold woods of (Cold war) West Germany and enjoyed hot cocoa at the end of the trek in laughter amongst my friends. In Georgia I hiked through woods along the Chattahoochee River, chopping down trees, and fishing.
Played baseball, football, and ran track.

I have dined in the streets of Paris France. Spent three years of my preteens walking the same streets as Anne Frank in Frankfurt Germany (at around the same age). Born in Hawaii, raised in NY when not abroad. Even trekked the streets of Brooklyn in the late night for takeout chinese. So with all of it's problems.
Growing up was a beautiful struggle.

New shoes, old shoes
New cars, and more cars and bi-cycles to motor-cycles.
money, Money, MONEY.
girls, Girls, Women.
Ramen, to Ribs, Ribs to Crab, Lobster, and mignon. This list goes on.
In spite of my self I have been blessed.
So many books read, so many lessons.
A heart broken, who's broken hearts. And now I wonder how my time has defined me.
Me of so many words and still sometimes I remain silent.
Thirty-two years, (17 in kansas) who is my light?
Who have I touched that will stand testament to me?
In my time not after it.

Arrogant because I did it extravagant.
Selfish when I was selfless, and misunderstood from where I stood.
An Asshole, especially to the women I mashed thru, but you was just fucking me too boo.
And sometimes I'm just eight again, hotwheels on and 80's binge.
Listening to Billy Ocean, Def Leppard, and Rakim.
A-men.

I live across the street from a highschool now.
So envious of those years because as a teenager I had to grow up so fast.
So sometimes I feel as if I haven't grown up at all. If you understand my meaning.
WoW.
A light just came on.
My teenage years haunt me to this day. To the point that I don't even like being around teenagers. I'm jealous.
I knew even at 16 that I would never get it back, but what could i do?
I had to make it. Then it was for him or (who I am now). Now it is for him or (who I was who made it).

Arrogant, Asshole, Coward, Self-centered, Hmmm......
I think back, and pls correct me if I am wrong but,
When you needed me, I was there, when you spoke I listened.
I still got mad shit on my plate yo. I mean really, more money is more problems, and I can't seem to stay out of the
white man's courthouse to discuss my money, my affairs, and my life.

Arrogant, Asshole, Coward, Self-centered, Hmmm........
Where was you?

A Window

The list is few,
but in Love I go hard.
I must admit though that as picky as I am, I did not know toward what purpose that was. Maybe because I chose wrong.
And in one case, though I don't usually think this way, I may have chosen higher than my station in life.
But I loved her.

I still do.
A Decade has not changed that.

I call her my Heart, proposed to her before any man, and was put putty in her soft pretty hands.
I could be myself. I was alive.
Funny how times flies and Lovers who are friends, became friends who are Lovers.
And the ice is too thin. The days become shorter. And during this daily traveling day you find yourself asking,
"where am I going?"

Ya know, from a perspective, the world actually DOES revolve around you.
In my world, I loved at loves mercy, and I did it on my knees.
I wasn't a King, I was a Knight.
And I looked upon the women who loved me and I did not love as simple nobles and peasants (some anyway-sorry for the reference, I've been reading too much Game of Thrones lately, lol). Either way I never really believed they loved me because they did not love as I do. (And that was kinda stupid)
Whether I was right or wrong
-Karma is Law-
I believe that. Trust me when I tell you.
To those I have loved, and to those I have not, trust me. Karma can be a bitch.

I know this post is probably all over the damn place. Sorry
Maybe I look back a little too much, and I need to let some things go.
Truth is, I have no idea what I am doing anymore. Even when I think I know what I should do, even when it's all so very clear.
So usually I just say fuck it and leap.

" I love you girl. As much as I love myself if not more. After all these years. Dare I say even more than anyone has loved me."

These words are few to the actions and time that speak volumes.
Still in the end it may be meaningless and blow off in time like the leaves from a tree.
Memory.

"The Sweetest thing can become the Coldest Winter."
All or nothing,

That is the Game of Love.

Mind Jogger

Sometimes I wonder what dreams are made of.
If nothing more than a desire.
A place your mind goes that the physical self cannot follow, for it's own shelter.
Because a mind needs sleep, the body does not.

These vivid dreams of pure imagination have left me wanting at times. I recall a book I read, "The Alchemist" by Paulo Choelo, and I wonder if this world is trying to tell me something I do not know about this life.
This...... self.

Life,
is surreal when you really stop and think about it. Like WoW, this is really happening. I have never found such awkward moments in a dream. And on those two planes, is it sad if you feel as if you have lived more in your in mind?
Is this a time in life when you should emulate those dreams as much as you possibly can?

Just as well, maybe our dreams are all that await us on the other side of life. We do after all prepare our own heaven or hell in a way. My dreams are busy, wonderful, places, with distant lovers and sunsets beyond anything I have seen with my own eyes. And as in life each emotion is played out with far greater intensity.
Hate, fear, love, loathing, sorrow, and pain. Scores of original music by my self and at times the likeness of others in my life. This is my NeverLand. Sometimes I've begged God to take me there tonight. I need to start writing them down. NO, maybe I shouldn't bring that part of me here. Where it would weather in time.

I don't eat there, seldom bathe, and then it is only for pleasure. None of the burdens of the physical. A sight of the blind where all is so vivid and blurred at once while focused on the now, the moment, the experience of an instant in it's full capacity.
Even now as I try my best to scribe it for you. These are words on the wind. There will be no comments on this post other than the occasional spam or clique remark.
And that's cool. This was for me and whoever I will be in the future, God willing.

And I suppose dreams have many levels of interpretation. Your potential, your limitations, your memories, your expectations, your ambition, fear, anger, stress, and wishful thinking.

What gets to me the most about all this?
In this world why do mind blossom and rise,
only to eventually whither and die?
But hasn't this always been a question of philosophers and like minds.
Good night.

BladeRunner excerpt.

"I've seen thing you people wouldn't believe.
Attacked ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.
I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate.
All those moments will be lost in Time........ Like Tears in the Rain......... Time, to Die."

SHUT UP! S.T.F.U.!!

1. UniqueBlogs:  when ppl say  things about the government that makes no sense i want to tell them to stfu

2. me:  When people talk during moves too much i wanna tell them to stfu

3.  UniqueBlogs:  when ppl say stupid hypotheticals  i want to tell them to stfu lol

4. me:  When people ask me for help then try to tell me how to do it, I want to tell them to stfu

5. UniqueBlogs:  when ppl ask me for advice and then argue about the advice i'm giving i want to tell them to  stfu

6. me:  when i am debating with someone and they will not let me get a word in, I want to tell them to stfu

7. UniqueBlogs:  when I'm debating w/ someone and they take general statements personal I want to tell them to stfu lol

8. me:  When people I can't stand are just "talkin" to anyone, I want to tell them to stfu
 
9.  UniqueBlogs:  when ppl start talking about how they know "famous" people I want to tell them o stfu

10. when ppl start talking that Illuminati shizz i want to tell them to stfu

11. me:  When someone offers a person meat and they say "no I don't eat meat, I'm a vegetarian", I want to tell them to stfu

12. UniqueBlogs:  when holier than thou ppl won't go to dinner w/ their friends because a few of them might have a drink I want
to tell them to stfu

13.  me:  Speaking of which, when people tell me I need Jesus, I wanna tell them to stfu ( UniqueBlogs:  well, most times if it
is stated like that it's usually a joke || me:  these are people I don't know lol)

14.  me:  When people see me reading a book and in public and still try to talk to me, I wanna tell them to stfu

15. me:  Pathological liars.  STFU/ Nigga you wasn't there!!

16.  UniqueBlogs:  when ppl start talking in nigga language i want to tell them to stfu

17. me:  People who like to talk with food in they mouth make me wanna tell them to stfu

18. When someone tells me to stfu, I wanna tell them "NO, you stfu!"

19. People who always gotta be right about everything make me wanna tell them to stfu.

20.  UniqueBlogs:  ppl who always tell their personal business on social networking make me want to tell them to stfu

21.  me: People who excessively complain need to stfu

22. UniqueBlogs:  ppl bragging about how great their relationship is when they've only been dating a month need to stfu

23. me:  LOL, I wanna tell fine ass women to stfu.

24. UniqueBlogs:  hahaha. i wanna tell ppl who think their fine to stfu

25. me:  Jealous niggaz need to stfu

26. Broke Old men living with they moms need to stfu

27. UniqueBlogs:  men/wmn talking about how they love their kids but that's the last thing on their mind when payday comes
need to stfu

28.  me:  Men/women who don't have time for they kids need to stfu

29. me:  Bad ass kids need to stfu

30. UniqueBlogs:  ppl who claim their kids aren't bad need to stfu

31 .me:  People who talk too loud in restaurants make me wanna tell them to stfu

32. me:  This dude I know told us how he still showers with his 12 year old son..... we told him to stfu

33. UniqueBlogs:  when ppl use cliches on me when Im having a bad day i want to tell them to stfu

34. every time someone give me advice I just want to tell them to stfu!

35. when people don't need to be saying anything to me PERIOD i want to tell them to stfu


**this was a very candid conversation that was documented. Intended to be hurtful/harmful to anyone who needs to STFU**

So Sensitive

Niggaz is so sensitive these days man.

I say things to women I'm cool with and I must say, "thank you ladies, you deal with a lot" especially from my ass, but these niggaz you be around are so damn sensitive.
I mean MY GOd, why do these niggaz fly off the handle about WHAtever?!
I told a female I had sex with that I was in love with someone else, and she would most likely never be that person. She was cool about it. I say foul shit to women I don't even fuck with like that and they either move one or get over it. I mean being str8 with women is so easy because it's the honesty they seem to respect. EVen brutal honesty. I have dozens of examples I could put on here from my twenties when I was on some other shit most of the time.

Point is, these women out here got thicker skin than most of these niggaz. Aw man these NIGGaz get mad over the dumbest shit.
Niggaz get mad over stepping on shoes, gossip, who played lead in a movie, because I looked at you. REALLY NIggah? BECAUSE I LOOKED AT YOU??
Nigga I thought you was my cousin. You know we all look alike.
The alpha male syndrome or sense to prove "something" is running rampant in black males. I'm really just too cool for that shit because I get mines without it. I'm not even sure what niggaz get out of it these days. Yall niggaz missing out though, because we could be breaking bread instead of going back and forth on some dumb shit.

Niggaz don't get over it either. I talk to women a lot about the niggaz they fuck with. And these cats so caught up in they EMOTIONS they do some wild shit.
One of my home girls was taking a girl friend of hers out to a club in KU/lawrence. So before they set out, her girlfriend gets in a argument with this dude she dating and he tells her "you better not go anywhere tonite.", over the phone. She heads out anyway and while on the highway en route, who pulls up? This nigga. And homeboy proceeds to swerve at these two women driving in a mid 90's ford escort and runs them off the road. Blocks them off on the side of the highway, grabs her girlfriend out the car and drags her to his car, shoves her in passenger seat, then pulls off.
I guess she was going back home. Haha
Really?
I hear more stories about niggaz crying, lying, playing games, beating they women, fighting niggaz over women who don't want them in the first place, and other RANDOM, petty shit.
What the hell is going on?

In closing.
I'm glad I am not an overly sensitive man. I don't wanna live a life where everything someone says about me or anyone else has me flying off the deep end. I'm glad I'm not out shooting at someone or being shot at because I got in an altercation that had to be handled because I spilled my drink in a packed club, Or because someone whispers some bullshit in my ear. I got money to get, places to go, and women to meet. I'm good.

Maybe homey ain't good. Maybe he dealing with a lot of other shit that I don't know about.

Or maybe he's just a bitch.

Chill. I'm just keeping it Real.

On Notice.

I may becoming to a close on this blog. I can't really be sure.
Apparently most of my writing super powers have been spent. Also, to be quite honest, I was so much better at this when I was an egotistical asshole...... oh well.
My arrogance and selfishness were actually a creative drive that I still to this day think I needed at the time. My "attitude" really help me take it where I wanted it to be mostly because I abandoned all self consciousness. And until I get that back or simply adapt to whoever this is I am now. I really can't say where this is going. Besides I don't like being so..... so..... speechless at times, and self analytical. Unless those who still do read actually wanna hear about a man who is approaching middle age in the next few years.

So.
What have we learned in the last 6 years? What remains a constant?
The closest people fuck you and console you. I have not abandoned my "self reliance", and still I quest for someone who will spark my faith in my fellow mankind.
I am sooo tired of living his life alone. True I was married, but she was not with me, and that is the only reason we are apart. I was basically sleeping with the enemy. All the judging and putting me down on a daily basis may very well have drained me creatively now that i think about it.

And all of a sudden, I get this feeling I have had before. Like nothing I say even matters. Just words in the wind. I feel that way in court, I feel that way in discussions, and in dealings of the heart overall. What is the point? Words in the wind.
I've withdrawn to this place where I totally shelter myself now. So I work a lot to pay people what I owe and to keep a roof over my head so I can continue to shy from the public eye. A collapse within. I still hold faith that this is just a phase and I will be back.

I can't even sit down and write a song anymore.
Like the guy in all my previous work is someone else entirely.

Yeah I get depressed sometimes too. I think that is mostly because I miss my friends. I mean anyone I really give a damn about is not in Kansas, and I'm trapped here. Just so we are clear, I get depressed, I don't have Low self esteem, I don't suffer from depression on a continuous basis. I just get depressed sometimes, because I am dealing with situations and none of the people involved seem to give a damn about me.

I don't wanna walk alone anymore. Tired of doing this on my own. But I will lie in the bed I made, before I lay with a love I loathe again.

So here we go........I must proceed...... BaBy StEpS.

Driftwood

I'm just floating right now man.
8 track press play shit. No real direction, just coasting in the mainstream.

Ya know. I made a lot of bad decisions the last four years. I think I am just gonna hit cruise on this next one and chill the fuck out.

So anyway.
I'm good, the foods good, those women over there are pretty, and I like this car. I don't want no trouble from you all man, I'm just chilling. I wanna take you out some time sista, and I don't care if you fucking or not. I just love a woman's conversation.
I miss My niggaz, my peoples, my peeps, my click, my Cool De Las.
Miss breaking bread like Jesus did with my disciples, but they on they journeys and I am happy for them. I close my eyes and I open them. I love the way the sunshine and illuminates my room in the morning. And in my solitude I smile. I am at peace with myself.

Ya know I stopped writing for awhile because I just felt like I was loosing it. I can't be getting on here the few times I do and just talk about my problems. We all got problems right? Still, I gotta keep going at this to get my swag back. Because I love me! And I love what we do! And it is time to get back to business as usual. Damnit!!
I'm taking my arrogance back man, because I just spent most of the last 2 years around some fake ass people and one in particular who didn't even like the awesome muthafucka that I am.

2am.
Wide awake with words.
Writing as natural as I breathe, drunk or sober.
My heart is at home in these sweetest of moments. My hands love the stroke of the keys, because creating is so much better than sex most times. Laying out the blueprints of the human mind and experience to be looked upon when these eyes have aged beyond their youth. I wonder now what the old man will make of it.
I bet he will say that it was all so complicated to the point that we made such a fuss over simple decisions. Because a decision can last you a lifetime.
I told my son that once, over and over again. :)

And sometimes I wanna be somebody else. And sometimes I wanna just die.............. but I'm alive. And life is about feeling like that sometimes. Because sometimes we fall, we crack, we break, we cry, and we shy from the sun.

In those moments i never forget that we also have fun, have conversation, have awesome sex, see good movies, good art, make new friends, new experiences, and tomorrow can be just as full of wonderful possibilities as yesterdays bad.

And once again, we lie in the sun.

I'm smiling.

Strickly 4 my Niggaz

I've changed, haha. Yall niggaz kill me...... I've changed.
It's not that I've changed, but it's funny how all yall rearranged, when I found game.

This is a rant.

I told you I loved you. In my heart I know it is truth. What kind of love that is I don't really know, but the years have passed and it remains constant in one fashion or another. And then I told you (again you could say) after ten years, still this changes nothing. I don't expect you to come running to me and accept me in your life as a partner. That's not even what I want.

I'm on hold..... she said she'll get back with me. You do that baby girl.

The homie. We came up together thru high school. I always held ya down, looked out, no secretes you know? Brother from another mother type shit. We was Cooley High till you got that twinkle in ya eye over the love of your life (I guess).
Question?
Why do cool ass niggaz turn into bitches over love?
I must be missing something. Probably why I'm once again traveling my road alone. Well I can live with that.

And still I tell myself, "Self? When are we gonna get back to business as usual?"
"When do we get back to writing about all the things that tickle our funny bone and talk shit on people again?"
I wanna do 2006 again without the motorcycle accident. I just gotta lick these wounds and clean out a closet first, so bear with me people while I vent.

In truth I'm getting sick of people, because everybody is playing the game. I know a woman who has played the game so long she don't even realize she's always in the game. And she goes so hard that she can't even see why she still single.

Me? Yes I'm single, not because I play games, but because I'm honest. Especially with my self and whoever I'm dealing with. Which is why my divorce is on some grown up shit, we're not fighting over "stuff" and bickering about bullshit. And in single life I keep it real.
I like you. I wanna get to know you, I wanna fuck you. I wanna be your friend. I love you. I don't want a girlfriend. I don't want to marry you. I don't want a girlfriend. I'll be there, I won't be there, Good luck with him. Good luck with me. Runaway!

Tony does not throw empty words around. The women I am into like that KNOW where they stand, and know where I stand. And at the end of the day love has nothing to do with it. I gotta be happy about me and where I'm at first. I suggest you do the same. I don't have to plot scheme and double team someone for their affection and more than anything I think my biggest irk is not being taking seriously for my word. Or being called a liar.
I really just want people to be as real with me as I am with them. And thank God some of you are. So just be real with me and don't hold back. Hell hurt me if you can. I love all avenues of emotion, gives me something to write about, a story to tell in my old age even. Besides, we all know how true emotion and intentions bleed right thru the poker face of most people.

The book is open. The blog has spoken.

be cool

High Society?

The Good, The bad, The ugly.

I am just getting home from a wedding reception of a good friend and/or associate of mine who by topeka standards is for lack of better words a "rich man".

I truly must admit that in the midst of car salesman, business owners, lawyers, and insurance agents, (most of whom I met are self employed and quite successful) I do not recommend being amongst these individuals if your self image is already tainted. The high notes of my evening were time spent with peers and good friend of whom I have already come to know due to certain company I keep in daily life. As well as being introduce to the owner and invited to a club usually reserved for business men, that I do intend to join (Mainly due to the level of food and service I am told they provide). But let me do this right, because I do not intend to just transcribe the night.

There were awkward moments that made my mind travel, and that all together I did not like. Like being brushed of by the bride and hearing a very rich lawyers wife refer to me as "E.T." Haha, which oddly enough I found amusing. Russ Briggs, though probably intoxicated ruined my name after being introduced to me, but overall I enjoyed the conversations I had and took in the information as a sponge would water.

There was a time I took much to many things to heart, so I enjoy now how my 32 year old mind works in the mist of those I would consider less than decent people. Meaning that if I do not respect you or your conduct as a human being, I don't much respect your opinion on much else. Not that I can confirm many at this event, if I had to I could name a few. And while I do not know if their attitude is due to money or my race, though I would lean more toward money, which made me think of my conduct towards those who are less fortunate than myself. I know and believe more money will come into my possession in the future, I do not want to loose the empathy and brotherhood I hold with all the people I meet and have met in life.

And with that said there were indeed some good people and good conversation in which I was honored to engage in tonight and I very much hope to again. I enjoy listening to people as much as I enjoy running my mouth when I have the chance. And I have always looked fondly on the opportunity that lies within each and everyday of this life we live.

Punch Drunk Love Driver cont.......

A moment I wish to Remember.

Punch Drunk Love Driver

I am a car junky.
Here is my track record.
I've driven everything from a Mini Cooper to a Platinum Edition Cadillac Escalade.
In the last 10 years I have owned over 20 cars at least.
1 Dodge, 4 Mercedes, 1 Infiniti, 2 Audis, 1 Corvette, 2 Cadillacs, 2 Acuras, 5 BMWs, 2 Lexus, 2 Toyotas, 1 Mini, 1 Jaguar, 2 Fords, 1 Isuzu,
and while I'm sure I've left something out.... Finally my
1980 Porsche 911SC.

I always wanted a porsche as a child. Life is interesting, the same image of a car that mocked me in movies, hot wheel toys, and posters on my wall now sits comfortably in the garage outside silently waiting for another go. I searched for this vehicle for 6 months once I knew the moment of financial opportunity was near. Having driven so many cars now I'd actually become numb toward buying another after a while, like a junky who looses his high with each hit. Yet once again I sat up at night waiting for when the transport would tell me they had arrived from the southern Californian location I found it in headed east to Kansas.

I even had my son video tape the moment we met. And I watch that video anytime I think of getting rid of it. Still I tend to get bored with cars. I've traded thru another 4 cars since I purchased my Porsche last august. My latest daily is a Audi A8L which I enjoy quite well for the time being. That porsche is another story, the thing is just hard to get rid of. Nothing makes me feel better than driving my 911, like just when I'm about to get rid of it, I fall in love all over again.
Kinda gay huh? LOL
Flip Side.
I gotta point out that this thing blows no A/C in the summer, damn near no heat in the winter, rides rough, and lack a few other creature comforts. Yet and still has proven to be a keeper.

Can't help but feel like wondering "what the hell am I doing right now?". Am I writing a post about a car?
I was feeling this post a minute ago, now it's kinda tapered off haha. Really though, I love the car, it's manage to stay with me and be apart of some good moments in my life like when I proposed to me ex-wife. Anyway, blah, blah, blah, blah,
and good nite.

GIANT

"Your WEAK and your a COWARD."
That's what she said to me.

Let's proceed.

Comments like these just don''t phase me at this moment, in this life. I know my story, I know what I've been thru. And I KNOW where you was while I was doing it. So someone who has known me for now more than half my life decided to put me down in that manner because of a personal beef you have with me that you cannot let go. When we was teenagers you did your dirt. Even PHil said that in more than a few ways your getting what you dealt out back then. Anyone who reads this blog, knows my story. My teenage years were hell, and I learned to thank God for every moment of it because all i had to be great full for just getting thru it. Parents divorced, getting robbed (numerous times), treated like shit, being homeless, no electricity (when i had a home), hungry, and all the other shit that comes with living under the poverty line. WEAK?! A Coward?! I hated excuses as a child. I didn't have anyone telling me to go to school, I told me to go to school. Yall niggaz had homework after school, I HAD to go to work after school. I mean the shit was not an option. And still I can't front, it was my friends who looked out for me in ways my "family" couldn't and/or wouldn't. And you was one of those people. You know my story. And you can sit on the line and say shit like that to me? Talk to me in ways I never would to you. What you interpret as my weakness is actually my love for you, because I don't let people talk to me like that. And just maybe you decided to come at me like that because you know you can. Maybe I'm really weak because of the niggaz YOU been fucking with. These cats aren't treating you like you got treated in high school and now your game is upside down. Because you WAS a starter back in the day, not now.

Hold up, lol. I'm moving in the wrong direction right now. See this blog is about ME. I took time to analyze the quote at the head of this blog, and really I don't see it.
By most standards I'm successful. Let it be judged by my money and my assets, Or just my shear WILL to persevere. I have worked hard to be where I'm at and live as I do. So I really don't need anyones judgement to justify my cause. My testament is my justification. What's yours?? See when things get bad for me, there is no mommy and daddy to run to. I took care of me long before you even knew what that meant because my back was against the fucking Wall. I am too damn proud of myself when I look back on this crazy ass life I have lived. And I am truly thankful for it, because I have a story to tell. And it is a good one.

Now here is my quote.
"I grew up a long time before you. My track record says I don't let people get the best of me and dictate how I intend to live my life. And you already have............. playa."

Peace yall.

Beyond the Eye of the Storm

I was never good at relationships. I could never take the intimacy. I know it brought her so much pain. While trying to relate to me. Every year that pasts in our lives adds up to a looooong time. And I may very well have spent so much time on my own, that I have come to find that it is very difficult for me to deal with a Full Time person in my life. I do not yet know. What I do know is that it can be very frustrating trying to fix something and finding that you have only ruined it even more than it was to begin with. So I watch my marriage fall apart like a jenga puzzle. So much time, so many planned moves, and yet and still it all falls down.
And with it my passions, my creativity, my voice, my spirit.

And now in this solitude I once again find myself. Yet it is a person so familiar that the reunion is bittersweet. So people ask, "how do you feel", and they say that they are sorry. I myself have fallen so many times I find my self eager to jump back up and finish a life someone else started. It was mutual. We realized we just weren't right for each other and we didn't want the wrongs to progress to "I hate you". Surely they can understand that.

MAYBE, I will be cast as the Villain, the "Bad guy", so heartless.
I was bad before. And as she showed me in the beginning how things could be, she showed me in the end how things should be. We are civil, and our differences have been put aside to make this trying time as easy as it possibly can be. And I have already said to much about what is personal to me.

I am single again....... damn.

I walk alone.