Nature's Son...(For Stuart)Part 2

continued...............

When Stuart was released a few days later, Jim, Matt, and I went to his house to see him. We took a walk and talked about things, regular things to take our mind off the fact one of us would be gone soon and i think we all knew it, just affraid to admit it to each other and to ourselves. It was impossible to imagine ourselves without him. Sometimes it still is.
He confessed to us that he was seeing a girl that we all figured had had already slept with, but we were wrong because they had just recently consummated the relationship. And she was the one who took him to the hospital after he cut himself because he called her. And when he died I have no doubt she became a little more lost than the rest of us because they were good for each other, but what can you do when you find someone who loves you and then they die soon after? I suppose if you're young enough you move on and try to find soemone else to fill the void before it becomes and cancer. I wonder how she's doing.

He didn't want to stay at his place, and we didn't want him to either, and so we all went to my place and hung out for awhile, talking and reminiscing about just random shit. I wish I could remember every detail and every laugh and wink and trash-talk we mad that day, that last day, but i can't remember the conversation any more than I can remember what he wore in his casket-laid out for everyone to get one last look. What I do remember is at some point he went outside, to get some air - he was tired of being indoors. Torn between my desire to give him space and smother him with reasurring love, I decided to join him after a short while. He was sitting on the ground in the parking lot, thinking. I'm not sure what - I can't really remember. He was simply afraid he was crazy and his mind was slipping. I told him we all have times of doubt, where it seems like everything is going wrong and there isn't any reason to go on, and yet here we are - barley twenty-one and almost a lifetime ahead of us. He was afraid, he told me and he wanted a hug and so I gave him one and he cried in my shoulder. To think, a few weeks ago he was giving me a speech, when things were going to shit with Angela, about how life was worth living and we were too young to give up finding that one true love. I had never entertained the thought of suicide, but I appreciate the sentiment and felt relieved someone could see thing from my perspective. This man who told me how precious life is, was sobbing in my arms because he was tired of living.

The irony was lost to me at the time.



Poem in Stuart's Blood

Nature's Son...(For Stuart)Part 1

In (Preacher #65), toward the end of the series, Jesse Custer (our main guy) tracks down and proceeds to beat the shit out of his best friend, Cassidy. You see, sinc the beginning of the series, Cassidy and Jesse have been best friends and yet bad shit goes down-Cassidy makes some bad decisions-and Jesse decides the only way to set things right is to teach Cassidy a lesson by beating him senseless. Amidst the hail of fists Jesse reigns down on Cassidy, he shouts at him "Goddamn you! You asshole! Why the fuck did you let me down so bad!" And if I ever catch up with Stuart again. I'll do the same thing to him.

I was asked to write something about the man, and I am, but instead of talking to you about all the great times we had-the times we flirted with strangers in their homes, the times we ran around Highland Park High doing shit we had no real reason for doing, the times we first introduced pornography and hentai to our various circles of friends, the time we sat down and created Action Figure Theatre-I thought instead I'll tell you abou the day he died...and what happened after.
Here we go.
When Angela first told me the bad news I was performing a small play by Amira Baraka, called Dutchman with Saya Scott in front of an American Lit class (of which Lisa was one of the students-sitting front row, Coincidentally enough.) Saya's phone rings and it's Angela telling me that she had some bad news and was coming to pick me up. After the play I chatted with some people and then waited for Angela. In the car home she told me the news-Stuart had cut his wrist and tried to kill himself last night. And, of course, the tears came immediately because - and i really do believe this, especially now, looking back- I knew already he was dead. He was just biding his time, not wanting to leave without giving the appropriate farewells. And so we saw him in the hospital, and he looked happy, despite it all. The doctors said he was bi-polar.




Nature's Son

Two Words. One Picture.

SEx? gOOd.
Primal

The Ultimate High

Complete Me.


On a serious note, earlier this week I had a discusion with my cousin Ty about relationships.
It got me thinking I need to write another post on relationships.

Now when I ran across the image above it made me feel something that I haven't been able to admit to myself for quite sometime. I want a wife. And even more so, a child born from a marriage under God. That I believe would complete me. I mean look at that picture. Doesn't it seem like thats what we are here for?
Whats happen to us in these times where something as simple as that has become so very difficult. So difficult in fact that some of us do whatever we can to have it even if it's so very far from perfect. We settle. Maybe because we're simply tired of trying to find that person we spent so many nights dreaming of, I mean hey "when your thirsty who cares how dirty the water is, just give it to me!!" Hell most of us been drinking dirty water so long we're grown acustom to it. Life goes on.

Me. Well. I don't smoke, I don't gamble, I don't drink(much anyway). I've manage to sway the from attraction of addiction. But I remember when i fell in love with someone who was bad for me. It was like crack. I lived to be with someone who was no good for me, still trying to get that first high I got from them the first 3 months, but those months were gone, and so was the high. I know i'm not alone, so why do we do that. Not only that but when is the line drawn. Well my line was drawn when I realized(in a rare moment), that I couldn't remember the last genuinely good time I had with her, and all the arguments and silence inbetween made me realize the person i fell in love with was a lie, and nothing more. And it has to be that way.

Leaving her was like detox, I couldn't sleep, I was jittery, cold sweats,(hehe i'm really trying to paint a bad picture here). But ya know I was basically trying to fight the urge to call her or answer the phone when she called me. And just like when you quite crack you can't go back to hanging out at the crack spots, or the crowd and activities you had when you was getting high. So I found others things to do with my time. And i'm good now. In an effort as to not be long winded I'm gonna wrap this up with. If you find yourself with someone who you know is bad for you, don't listen to your heart anymore because it will betray you. Couples will argue but time should bring people closer together not drive them apart. If when you think of the person your with and there are rare moments you think of them and smile your adiction has become an affliction. Life be it too short or very long is still a one time gig, don't waist it on someone who's not uplifting you.

You may miss that one where things come together making you,
Completely Whole

Jolly Fat Man

Goody Goodie


Sherman.
This is the only pic I could use to represent the Jolly big guy we know who balls like no other in the realm of comics. Atleast in the days of the click. While there are some bad things to write about the Sherm, i won't go there just because we've always been cool and I think those involved have forgivin him for the most part.
Of course I will add that he smiled thru it all.
Now this guy may very well be a super nerd by some standards.
After learnin the art of the clicks and spending quite a reaonable amount of time in the nerd realm I was able to penetrate deep into the nerd stronhold and meet him. A nerd buddha if you will. And thru him I was able to see.........."The Red Room."
Inclosed in this room were some of the most coveted as well as expensive comic and superhero archives as well as sculptures and other numerous artifacts. Oh and the entire room was red.
The jolly man just stood in the corner and smiled with delight as I surveyed the room, answering questions as I asked him. And oddly enough somewhere deep inside....I was honored.

In the aftermath of that moment I was only able to meet him about 2 more times, and those moments were uneventful, and of course he was smiling. I have reason to believe he found a woman and they are like cyptonite to nerds, so undoubtably she single handedly ended his reign. The last I heard of the infamous Red Room is that it's contents were removed and locked away in a storage facility never to be seen again.
Good Times?

Salute!!!
The Buddha nerd,
Sherman

Arrogance & Fear

ThaONlyONe


I fell in love once, and i'll be the first to say that it is wonderland.
I'm sure the devil can relate that "when in heaven, ANY other place is hell"
And in my hell nothing really fulfills me, I'm not exactly bitter, but since the fall I haven't really been able to find someone to fill the void.
This is a public apology to all the ladies I've been with sexually or anything else for that matter, aswell as a thank you. Sorry I didn't stick around, but thanks for the time spent, I mean thats all we doing in this life anyway is finding shit to do till it's time to go.

I think it's a dream but I've had these apparitions come to me when i'm like just waking up, and they scare the shit out of me. I mean i'd probably shit if i could even move but I'm too terrified.
Hehe no bullshit it's like a primal fear, i go into caveman mode, like a deer trapped in the headlights. I've been telling myself that they're my inner demons/the inner war within myself, but i'm not psycologist.
The last 2 years i've been kinda forcing myself into these pointless relationships mainly because I'd really like to be in a monogomous(and i'm sure i spelled that wrong, hehe typical guy) relationship. Still it's so obvious to me that I've become really picky, easily bored, and at times a bit repulsed. I'm difficult to be with. DAMn. Takin it in. And I think thats spilled over into the friends arena of my life as well. Trust as become diffuclt too as of late.

LOL btw I'm really arrogant now, and I don't know where that came from. My life is going really good now and I do feel like i'm the shit these days. Anyone who can't feel it is hating, fuck'em. For example.(I'll let the arrogance take hold for the rest of this post hehe)

I KNOW i'm good. A diamond if you will. All my shit is str8, I have one son that I take care of and not cause I feel I have to, cause i want to. I BALL, and legally so the law ain't comin for my shit. And no one really likes it when I say I Ball cause I say it alot now hehe, but I really do Ball, there aint one person who reads this stuff and knows me that'll say otherwise. I could step out this bitch into the world today and bring home whatever I want. Shit I only bought my Bimmer a few months ago because I was bored. Not only that but I try to stay humble, i mean i know i could loose all this shit tomorrow and i'm cool with that. I've lost before, my huslte is REMARKABLE, believe me when i say I came from the bottom, came up, got knocked back down, then got back up and got even more.
My Ballin as been in question before if you read some of these back post, I come thru.
Anyway i'm done with this, parting words.
To know me, is to love me.
Yall be cool.
One.

Saturated

Rockit Science

Tom Fool & Lessence


I'm so happy these days.
Incase ya wondering why I haven't been updating my site lately, it's mostly because I've been intensely writing music for the up coming ONlyOnes Album thats been long over due. Finally i was able to convince Tom Fool Aka the STikFiga to sit down and do a album with me. This my friends is a match made in heaven, I've had so much fun working on this project that it doesn't even feel like i'm working. We hooked up with this white dude (Shoop), who's gonna be producing it, and recording will be done by the well known Johnny Quest.

Those close will get a copy, but I hope you'll support me by letting making the next guy purchase it rather than ripping them a copy. Although i probably won't care much either way.
We did a lil backstabbing to make this happen, and i hope the third party doesn't hold that against us, it needed to be done.
Theres not much turning back now though, I'll be doing shows. I mean thats just the way Tom Fool gets down and i know he's not gonna keep this stuff we working on bottled up. I'll be cool although at first i'm sure he'll be upstaging me, he's a great showman and i hope to be as good as him in time. Anyway i'm gonna end this, I'll be back atcha with my usual really soon since we're almost done. Till then.
Thanks for comin out.
God Bless you.
PEace.
Tha OnLyOneS

Burn Victims

Bone Deep


Hehe the site crashed when i began writing this post so I wasn't able to finish it, hence the pic of this poor fellow above place alone by itself on the site. My apologies.

Anyway.
With all due respect to burn victims, and that guy. I think in away we're all burn victims. Life burns us all one way or another. Those of us burned on the outside can't hide what fire does to the human form so they carry it as a visual representation of what they've been thru.

Others have been burned to the soul mentally if you will. They carry a concealled bruise that you stumble upon as you get to know them. It's a reaction to draw back from pain, most any animal will do it, instinct I guess you could call it. But when the human mind is burned from experience alone like being fucked over, cheated on, verbal abuse, or just the rantings of an ego gone wild, or ambition, the mind takes up habits/reactions unique to itself. Then makes sense of it all no matter how far fetched that sense my be. The way Tommy falls in love with girls who touch him(burned). Ryan inability to be real(burned). How George jumps to conclusions(burned). Angela I think is a good example of the severly burned, knowning her speaks for itself, to do an example is a post of it's own. This Blog in it's entirety shows how I myself have been burned, but if you need an example, I'm a bit hard on my friends.

The comedy in this whole thing is, you could say that in a parable kinda way that we're all patients in a burn ward complaining about the way the next guy looks even though our scars don't look any better.

That is all.


the Burn

How dissapointing

Tupac shortly after his first shooting, Five bullets lata.

This picture says alot about human nature.
The ability to kick a man when he's down.
And how a man reacts to his peers when they take shots at him.

This is a rant. Again.

My minds is racing at the moment and I'm gonna assume it's because once again i'm slightly pissed off. Anything goes right now. I came home and got an email from my "Good friend" George and i was delighted. See he doesn't do that much if ever. I've also noticed that he's been calling me lately as i go over my messages in the middle of the night. He wants to talk to me I assume urgently it crosses my mind that it's about some money I owe him, but I tell myself that thats already handled so it must me something else. Man was I wrong.
The fact that I ball is in question and it's due, I mean i've been doing too much that last 30 days, even faced some adversity. I'm making it happen though.

Ya know what i'm not even gonna get into anymore details about that because i'm sure we'll handle it, but i would like to say that at this point i don't care for the outcome. But I would like to say that when i purchase things from people they get paid. Yet and still aside from Gary i'm still doubted and that bothers me quite a bit. Unfortunately the powers that be demanded more money for me to rest where I rest and I paid them. I've actually been sitting at this damn computer screen for over 30 minutes trying to see if I was being irresponsible in this matter. But then i think of all the hours I been working to handle monthly bills, and still pay my dear friend George, who (probably dealing with that fact that Aaron has not paid him much at all.) wrote me to question my life style and what i do with "my money" as if until I pay "him", it no longer is.
The angel on my shoulder says "Apologize to him more than you already have and tell him he'll get his money as soon as possible, then offer to suck his dick, it might help."
But.
The Devil on my shoulder says "You've spoken to this man and informed him every step of the way on whats going on, he's seen you on many occasions and smiled in you face, and even told you it was "cool man", then he took this cheap shot and called you out online and questioned how you get down as if you was taking a shit on him. So do just that.

Never-the-less, I will continue doing what i'm doing I'll let him decide on whether or not to be the cool guys he acts like he is in my presence, or the asshole i got an email from earlier today.

I'm gonna go to bed now, see i'm tired from slaving away at work to pay off friends and my ego, i'm cool with that though.

Fuck yall!!

Love

So many ways

What is love?
And for those of us who are religious when does love with the things here on earth, conflict with the devine one.
I was deeply in love with a woman once. I can stand here and say that for me, love wasn't very logical. A bit insane if I may. A spiral, out of my control......with moments of speechlessness.
And sometimes I tell myself that God took this love from me to get me focused back on more important things, like him I suppose.

My LOVE for GOD is also an episode of it's own. At times intense, but then a bit incoherent.
You see he doesn't speak to me, even when I beg for a simple hello. Some have told me this will never happen. I take it in. Then I wonder "If I was left on a deserted island at the age of 4 and some how lived to see 26 thru an assortment of fruits and vegetables, who would God be to me with no one to lead my train of though. Lately I've told myself that there is no point in trying to understand a being who is infinite, but then he may not truly understand me, like old people who forget what it's like to be young.

Often.
I've sought to find God's LOVE in a womans eyes. Like the Eve to Adam. Someone on this plane who would expand my reality to different avenues beyond own horizon. Unfortunately I just end up getting head, three months of protected sex, and a headache. Occasionaly thinking of the Love I once had.
?Question?
When does you'll get over it, begin?

Anyway. Time passes, mentalities change, as they do. I've grown as a person and being alone has given me time to really look at things. And accept others. Paradise Lost.
As of late, I've submerged in music, my writing, my work, and thought. I have regrets to perge and a person who's always been there to better know, myself. I contemplate the future alot and ways to simplify my life. By the way I Dream alot more.

As for love, be it mortal or devine, it's out of my understanding right now.
But I stay humble.
And thats cool.

Who do you love

Why I HATE as I do

T.H.U.G.L.I.F.E

The Hate U Gave Lil InFants Fucks Everyone.

Tupac's words sure enough, yet I've noticed in my short time on this world hate enfluences alot of things.
Earlier today I kinda got into it with my good friend Gary, over some bullshit concerning two other people. And it wasn't cool, but he kinda pissed me off. This is a Rant.

My HATE runs deeps. I'll share it with you.
I'm not looking for simpathy, just a bit of understanding.
Alot of times i feel like the victim they like to point the finger at.
My father fucked me, see when I was 15 my parents divorced, not special happens every other day i'm sure. And when he remarried I lived with people who degraded me, stole from me, and really just hated that a breathed the same air as them. And he of all people turned his back on me when i needed him most.
I've grown up a loner in the truest since of the word. When i needed people they turned they back on me. Or stabbed me in mine. I've slept under the night sky and experience the hardships of not having.
I watched my mother cry as her life fell apart, and seen the true hearts of men amidst the day to day politics. And though i may be just a statistic I know i'm special. God showed me so much to make me strong. And still i'm really soft inside.
Now i've mentioned Ryan before in my posts. He was my best friend and my brother, so i loved him as one. And he fucked me. Perception is all we have in this world. And from where i stand his deciet runs deep. I've forgivin this man and i'm working towards getting over all that happen between us, so tell me why can't my peers just let it be. So I'll be the first to say it now as i've said before so many times. "FUCK anyone who has a problem with the fact i'd rather not see Ryan right now, you can suck my dick." FUck you. You don't know my pain true enough, but atleast be sensitive to it and stop throwing that shit in my face. You can be in his place just as well. A woman told me something back when i was 16 that i've found to be true in the years past and the coming. She said i wouldn't keep company with those who didn't treat me as i felt i should be treated. This may doom me to be alone the rest of my life true enough, but at the same time it may also only tighten my association to only those who take life as seriously as i do.
Don't be little my pain. That man pained me to my very soul. My "Get over it" is a work in progress. Btw for those who's advice is to get over it "Fuck you". You could very easily be put on this list with him with that attitude.

In regards to this post the recent incident with Gary is the cause. You lost rank today. Quote me on this. "I'm sick and tired of you giving me messages from muthafuckaz who wanna talk shit or degrade me in some way. See not only are you considered a friend, you are currently considered the closest. I tell you damn near everything. You pass these bullshit messages to me and then annouce that your done with it. Like i'm the one whos suppose to stand there and take it in. Who's side are you on anyway. You know me better than them, your suppose to speak for me when i'm not there. I mean shit I do it for you, and have done it might I add.
And this is Public now cause you didn't wanna talk about that shit on the phone well guess what. You won't get to talk about it again anytime soon not because of me but because of you, you closed that door hard ass, you close that door on someone who would go to war for you."

And to everyone else who has an opinion on the way I run my affairs, fuck you. Cause I see now regardless of how cool i am with people, and how much shit i let go, it's fucked up how theres not much tolerance when it comes to what i may be going thru. You need to ask yourself are you a friend or foe. and then STop Fucking Contacting Me.

Peace.

THUG LIFE

Georgie the Drummer

Dominance

This is who comes to mind when i think of my dear friend George.
He's Greek by the way (ladies), though I'm pretty sure Alex was Macedonian.
(Probably the same nationality though)
Anyway I just realized for the most part that I know George, but i don't know him.
In most of our past get togethers during the click George was a no show, most of the people I used to hang out with are anti-social, and for the most part this was expected of George. He has a nack for leaving you wanting more.......in a "hetero" kinda way i mean. Other than when he's with us, I know nothing of his life, be it personal, or loose associations outside of the once forged Click. Oh yeah and he's camera shy.
Anyway Garys leaving soon and I realized that George very well maybe all I have left. And part of me feels like that means I have nothing. Que the vig"Gore"us, process of meeting new people and possibly going thru that whole cycle of getting to know someone, or ones again. And i don't wanna do that.

Oh yeah theres Lisa, but i don't think i'll see much of her after Garys gone, just hunch.

Maybe i should just do what everyone else is doing and follow some girl around town all day.
Hehe, lifes ultimate goal i guess....that and finding the True God anyway.
Back to George.
Anyway I come by and see the guy, wondering how Topeka's managed to hold such a talented drummer for so long, his spaceship just hasn't taken off yet. And i can tell he's not happy with his situation, so i wonder at night whats going on in his life that God would delay his flight.
(Light bulb flashes) Oh yeah, thats right!!!
We're nice guys and DOOMED to finish last.
We just aint deep down enough assholes like we need to be to soar like eagles.
We's just pigeons.
Alexander must have been one cool asshole.
The Greatest.

Alexander

Black Folks

Sugar Shack

I love black people really I do.
At our best we are simply amazing.
Our style addictive, our skin just screams soul, jazz, and rythm.
And I aint tryna sound all pro black africa back to the motherland.
I'm just saying that when i look at black folks I SEE the years of slavery, the butt of depression, the civil rights movement, and the everyday struggle of being black in america.

I met this white chick a few months ago who told me she felt like she was a black person in a white womans body. Immediately i'm thinking "this chick is full of shit". But i'm curious so i let her go on. And as she spoke i realized that she just liked everything that was stereotypical of us and so thats what she embodied. Now I've seen other shall we say "wiggers" like her and in my opinion, i was offended and felt like that was a form of racism.
See before she came to know me, she thought that i smoked weed, and didn't have a good job, possibly sold drugs and, well......she thought i'd be a thug.
I felt like because i was young and black then she profiled me, like the police do. And that didn't sit right with me.
And don't like people who glorify or put down those of us who are lost. Especially if they black.
I'll get more into what i mean by "Lost" in my next and/or future posts.

Another thing that gets under my skin is black folks who don't like black folks. I feel like as long as the children of americas slaves are still breathing and still walking this earth then theres hope for us. If you black and you looking around at the rest of us and don't like what you see, don't give me that I date, or associate with white people/latin people/foreigners, because i don't like this or that about my own people. How you gonna hate what you are, and if you do then "fuck you" when it comes right down to it. I wouldn't hang out with some white guy if he didn't even respect his own. And to most of you fake NIggaZ walking around out there hatin your own skin, you living off what so many died for. Think about how many of us died so you could even look at some white guy or girl, much less date them you lost and ignorant fuck.

Now i'm not a racist, I don't have a problem with interactial dating. And physically for the most part I know that we are all the same. But culturally there are differences that must be mutually respected. Something like that anyway.
As for being black in America, I love living the human experience from this complexions point of view.
Brothers and sisters remember, WE made this country rich when we were considered nothing,(via the cotton trade) and WE have always made major impacts on it's culture thru inventions, entertainment, and my simply being here. So hold ya head up and remember that you stand as a testament to what so many, black and white have died for.
I'm gonna go hop in my new BMW now, I'll catch yall in traffic.

can you dig it, Can you Dig it, CAANN YOUUU DIGGIT!!!

Thats MY Song

Standing on Stage

Black Thought

Laffy was coming to T-Town that night.
I knew he'd wanna hear whatever i was working on when he got there and i wanted to impress him. Laffy was the only cat who really believed in me and my ability to be a good writer.
Be it poetry, or ryhming on the mic.
And he put his money and beats behind(one of the bests producers in lawrence), thats priceless man.
On this particular night we was heading to Kansas City for some hip hop show on Main Street just down from Westport's four corner bar area.
I got three songs done that day "Nonsense", "FreadyFriday", and "ARtWalk"
Thanks to Greg I'd gotten into DJ Yas' beats heavily, I craved his beats and wrote to them often, "Nonsense" was what I considered the finest endeavor.
"FreakyFriday" wasn't really much to me, just some song i wrote to LL Cool J's "Doin it" beat, something for the ladies.
Now "ARtWalk" took me like 2 weeks to write cause the beat was sooo tight I didn't wanna fuck it up with some wack shit being screamed over it.
The beat was complements of "The Mighty Pythons", and man that shit was mind blowing.

Around 8pm he shows up with his wife, (Fuck me i don't remember her name) and i start playing what I got.
"NonSense" is up first, I still think that song is the shit, but it didn't move him much, shit he even started talking during some of it.
Next up was "FreakyFriday", he listened but didn't say anything, NO REACTION what so ever. Not even a comment when it was over, he was just sitting there waiting for the next track.
Oddly enough, actually played last "ARtWalk" was the diamond, I saw the twinkle in his eye, the smile crack in his face, and his head bobbin.
When the songe was over he demanded a copy, and i knew he as back on my dick.
Shine, Shine, Shine hehe.

Ok so we drop off the wife in Lawrence, and head for K.C.
The whole way out there "ARtWalk" is thumpin, over and over and over.
I think he's trying to memorize it, he's already talking about doing a show, it's been on his mind awhile.
I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed, though local, i think I've just wrote my first hit, atleast in my circle I have, and it's good. Looking out the window and into the darkness of the many Kansas fields, I take it in.

The Grand Finale.
We pull up to the spot, it's cool, the city was hype that night, and alot of people was in this joint.
The sponsors were rasing money to combat street violence or something like that, you fill out some survey, make a donation if ya like, then get some pizza and a beverage.
Meanwhile acts are performing on stage.
I think there was like 5 or 6 different performances, and most of them from where i'm standing were really doing the damn thing. Records are being passed out, sold, whatever.
I'm checking the scene and I see Laffy over by the DJ booth talking to this guy.
HE POINTS OVER AT ME.
And i'm thinking "OH Shit!!"
The guy waves me over and asks me my name, my reply, "Lessence".
Laffy looks back and tells me "Man your up next."
I think I'm gonna throw up.
Theres alot of people in here and I'm nervous as fuck, but I've come to far.
I take off my jacket fessing up to what needs to be done, and i prepare myself to do something I'd normally flee from.
When your name is heard over a loud speaker and All eyez are upon you, hehe, it's a moment cherished.
The beat plays and it's me, it's my creation, I'm sharing a moment with these people and giving them a piece of my life.
"They like it, they really like it."
Camcorders are on, pictures are being taken, hell they started cheering as soon as the intro came on.
Beginning the second verse "My motto's Lifespeed/Vibe with me/Words and melodies designed to reach/I'm on the block tryna find the beast/And hype the spot with my ryhming speech".
Now i'm feeling the rush Pac spoke of, thinking about Black Thought, and Mos Def.
Tonight I'm one with those who made hip hop what it is today.
Tonight and from every moment on I can say that I was there, I was doing it, and it was good.

HIP HOP




Free spirits

Damn

Is he for real?


I was surfing the net and i ran across this.
Oddly enough it didn't make me mad. It made me wanna get a gun though.
To be honest I'm worried about stuff like this, I know it's just a matter of time before some poor misguided white guy goes out and grabs a gun (once again) and does something crazy in my neck of the woods.
Also, I'm black, and i don't fit any of the stereo types i see mentioned in the pictorial above.
So I really just sit and wonder where these guys are getting thier information from.
Sure if you look in the ghetto's of america you'll see some fucked up shit, and most of the time it's black people you see, but i've seen the "nigga" version of white people aka "white trash", and they don't look much better. Most black folks suffer economic hardships so naturally you see us more than the latter. And for some of us it's our fault but I don't think it's cool to judge us all just over that. I mean hell I know italians who get upset when assume they all got mob ties.

Pictures like the one above are the reason i get nervous when i'm surrounded by white people, and in topeka hangin with the brothers is kinda like living on the edge somtimes as much as i'd hate to say it. These days it seems like black folks are real sensitive. Real Sensitive.
But i think theres alot of white folks who are just as crazy. I just wish we were more focused upon the threat and gave some direction to the violence. Take it as you will.
Anyway let me throw some cheese on this post by saying "We're all brothers here on earth and we should just get along" Ah thats better.

Hell I got white friends with hygiene problems, and others who are more fucked than that but i don't assume all white people are the same way. Really though fuckit i'm sure i'm not saying anything that hasn't been said before. Guess sometimes i get pissed that not only do I have to worry about white people when i step outside but I also have to worry about brothers/black people, and damn near every other skin complexion. Shit.
I'm thinkin i need to get me a gun, i mean hey,

Everybodies got one.




Thats Cold!!

Wet Dreams

Temptation?


Ok so i keep having this dream right.
Theres a woman who keeps fucking showing up no matter what I'm dreamning about, she just pops in there.
She's a tease, she gives herself to me, she won't talk to me.........it's always something new.
And like i said no matter what i'm dreaming about she just shows up at random, i mean i could be dreaming about lynchings and this woman would show up.
Another wierd thing is, she has a face right but i can't really make it out, but she can take on the likeness of any woman i've ever wanted, or any woman i've ever been with.
But i know it's her.
She turns me on, most of the time. Although sometimes she can be a pain in the ass.
She knows all the little things that turn me on, but i get the feeling that instead of doing it for my pleasure, she's using it against me.
I remember i used to have these full wet dreams, and i'd wake up basically satisfied(hehe).
But now it just feels all wrong, and i don't even really cum, even though i do in the dream sort of anyway.
Am I sexually frustrated, or am i just fucked up. (LOL)
I wonder.
For lack of a better example, this chick is like a seductive female freddie kruger, but attractive.
No one really gets this many cameo appearances in my dreams so this must represent something, but what.
And sleeps been hard enough lately but now i got to deal with this bitch every other night.
I mean sometimes i just wanna have some cool serene dream, sometimes you just aint in the mood to be turned on and fucked, or fucked with for that matter.
But at the moment i don't have the luxury of choice in my unconcious thought process.
Things were so much better a year ago when i was dreaming about Lord of the Rings.
Oh well i guess.


Get out of my bed

Alone in the Dark

A moment please.

It aint easy.
A man who stands alone walks with his back against the wall.
He watches time fly while standing still at the same time.
The world blends into this cold, colorful, peaceful, and unpredictable place as all control finally becomes Kaos.
A lost soul.
Traveling a road that leads no where. Wisdom becomes a new gateway to ignorance of a different kind.
Regret accumulates, and mentalities change. Friends become strangers, family distant. soon one doesn't even know himself.
An era ends, though the positive callit "New Beginnings".
But we all eventually just become pictures on the wall.
With this in mind the problems of today deminish in importance.
The time spent amongst his own, may not even be true, but they are treasured just the same.
"This Moment" was built upon the lives of others.
Two eyes meet oblivious to the eons that made the very instant possible.
So miracles happen everyday.
Miracles are so common, we don't even value them anymore.
Remember that you've forgotten, then remember what you've forgotten.
Time flies, we are comfortable in it's pace and don't notice.
Time flies, and mankind is forgetful.
Nothing is of value anymore.
Not even life itself.
So friends fade like the days, most lovers are untrue, family ties ignore bloodlines, and the rich throw away food.
Knowledge is power.
Supremecy seems secure.
But most of us fall from our pedestals, by the things we aren't even looking for.
It aint easy,
growing up in this world.

A man stands alone, with his back against the wall.




Thought of mortal Titans

Remember When

SmiLe

Alot happens to you from the time you can remember to the present. I can remember as far back as 5 maybe 4 years old. Hehe ya know I don't think I've told anyone but I was picked on alot as a child. Really it didn't start till i was in the 5th grade, but I should have saw it comin in the 4th. These days one of the main things i like to do with my son is spend time with him just talking about things, getting to know him as a person and see how thing are going with him as far as how he's developing socially among other things of course. My father never did those things with me and in ways that could be why i'm fucked up now, or atleast why I do some of the things i do.

Getting back to the 4th grade. See, I used to be really comfortable with myself when i was younger other than the fear of dealing with my own mortality already at that age, as a matter of fact i can remember being worried about dying as far back as the 3rd grade. I think that had to do with something i watched on TV that i shouldn't have but anyway. In the 4th grade i started to have to worry about this thing called body Oh Dear hehe, oh sure i took baths i mean that was required after a day of doing all the shit i was out doing, fighting, playing sports, messing with girls, etc., but i didn't clue into deoderant til late in the 5th grade, too late might I add. Oh and that led to me catching shit about my nose and my lips, yeah kids can be cruel. I'd get angry and lash out, sometimes i cried (hey i was a lil boy) and other times i'd just withdraw into myself, ya know kinda make like i was living a dream/nightmare. It was all too brief but I learned about wearing deoderant from my classmates and i think i've come along way being that i can put that on this site heh.
Regardless the next school year(in middle school) everyone had moved on to picking on ugly kids and kids who's parents couldn't afford to dress them better the damage i suffered was done.
Now i never considered myself the popular guy in school, but i will say i had my moments and thank God cause i needed them. I've always had an all around presence. Oh and girls who were growing breast started liking me so i began to forget how bad things used to be the year before, and luckily no one ever brought it up again, probably was nothing to them. I'd also like to add that it's funny how the stock of big lips being attractive fluctuates up and down, one year ya hot, and one year ya just lukewarm. Cats wit thick lips feel me.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that we all just kids who grew up in life making choices, some good some bad, and it determines the men and women we are now. Sometimes when i look at micheal jackson i still see that kid at the top of my post. And i feel sorry for him. Just like when i look at pictures of me as a child, sometimes i feel like i let him down, or i think "man if only you knew what you'd have to go thru to get where we are now." I tell my son sometimes that no matter what you do or who you are in life things just happen some good some bad. Things are going good for me in life these days and i wish i could write it down as a happy ending like they do in the fairy tales, but i know better.
I'm only 26.

I Wish

Grandma's steps

I found a book of my old poems and i began to think back on whats been lost with time. Though things are better now financially, sometimes i wonder at what price. I used to write alot of poetry and I like reading it these days. Since most of it is forgotten it's almost like reading it for the first time, and it's the closest I can get to seeing myself from the outiside.
Anyway, this is one of them.


"I Wish"

Sometimes I Wish I could forget all my days and trail blaze
I Wish
I could retire my face and remain anonomous
I Wish
For more money of course and a lil' weed, maybe just another luxury ful filling a need and
I Wish
For more wishes I'd alter my lifespeed -slow down-
maybe ride out till like 3000 and 3
I Wish
For more skill to give emcees more pressure
I Wish
For more linen in my wall to wall dresser
I Wish
For zealots to fetish in something other than hatin'
I Wish
Nothing was said about me and my past relations
I Wish
I could look at the world thru an addicts eyes
I Wish
I was a fly on the wall to see the lies
I Wish
I could be happy, like a young soul hungers for pappy
I Wish away all the knots in the nappy
I Wish
It wasn't my OWN race tryna get at me.

Silent Anger

You Can get Tha Finger

I was trying to be a nice person earlier this week but it's hard to do these days. Maybe i'm too sensitve, maybe i'm just fed up with alot things i just consider bullshit. I really wanna just be cool and get along with everyone but sometimes people do things that just rubb me wrong. What does that mean. I haven't been writing about much lately because there was nothing good to write about, all that little shit kept buggin me.
Sooo.

These are the things that get under my skin.

• When Gary offers other people dibs on his shit that i want, and they don't even take the time to hang out with is ass.
• When we call people to kick it and they just blow it off.
• When i offer to hang out with Lisa and she thinks i'm trying to fuck, or that something might happen. NO
• When I knock on Matts door(the hermit) and he refuses to answer, rather than answering and just saying I don't wanna hang out.
• When people who don't usually call, only call to ask for money, or see if i'll buy something from them.
• black women
• white women
• Stuarts dead
• Laffy's in jail
• people aren't more critical about my work
• My sons mother, her greed and her clutches on my only child
• How everyone shits on whats left of the Click these days
• How people like Nadia look at me these days(you forget i was there for you when you needed it, but that don't mean shit huh) and thats not just her i'm talking about
  
• When i get shit from people because i have a good job
• That i can't be me and get a good woman(don't judge a book by it's cover)
• Those fucking pictures Angela has, and how no one gives a shit

Ya know I read this book once about how after the war in heaven between God and Satan, God even casted out the Angels that stood by idly and didn't defend him. Well alot of times these days i feel like I associate with quite a few people who arent even really my friends, i've been here before and unfortunatly i'm usually right. I think i'm just being too nice. I really think i should just simply eliminate the bad elements in my life to reduce the stress of dealing with these people and the things they do. I don't really look at it from thier point of view because I simply don't believe i'll be missed. I'm kinda like they guy who got fired and no one told him, so i can just simply stop showing up to work ya know. And please, don't try to analyze me or get me to analyze myself I've thought this out thoroughly and i don't feel like reading some "look into yourself" bullshit that Angela might say to me.
I know my close few will hold me down while my enemies, yes "Enemies" will talk shit or wonder if i'm talking about them.
And if your wondering then yes your most likely and enemy.


Bomb First

Self Objective

Chillin

This is a pic Aaron took of me one night I came out to Lawrence to get my second XBox modded for a friend. I don't remember what i was reading or much else of this particular day, other than meeting one of Aaron's numerous "betty's".

Personally I don't like this pic. Sometimes i think light does me no justice. I have this complex, see sometimes I think i look like a fucking ape. And i'm not above talking shit on myself, take it as you will but when i look at this picture i see the 134 dollar Jordans, and the 60 dollars jeans and that 43 dollar sweater(hell even that red shirt underneath it is ecko i'm sure atleast 30 bucks) are all objects I obtained to cover up that "nigger" in them. Now don't get me wrong sometimes I feel really good about my appearance and when i do i'm Ballin. I don't feel bad about myself today but i'm just trying to be impartial/honest with myself right now.

This whole ape/nigger complex i've been known to have makes me nervous around pretty women, get this EVen pretty women who are attracted to me. This also makes it really difficult to talk to white women. There it's out there.
Btw lately i've been feeling old.

Don't get it twisted though i don't lash out on people like I'm sometimes known to do just because of my own insecurities or anything like that. I think the hardest thing to do is really look at yourself in the mirror, i mean try it sometime for like 5 minutes, you start to see a stranger. I've been there many times which is probably why I can get one here and dish out shit on people I know and see daily because i'm not worried about any feedback. I don't think anyone could be more critical of me than i am of my self.
These days i feel like I'm normal and special at the same time. But i wonder about weird shit like, whats it like to be a female and have sex with me, and whats it like to know Anthony and stand next to him, what kind of friend am i. Shit like that.
I think i wanna see me as all of you do. It would be cool to wonder "whats going on with him".
But i'll never have this luxury, though the closest I get to it, is when I stare in the mirror and actually think to myself while listenin to the silence and think
WoW,
I'm here.
Thats me Again

Gamers Paradise Lyrics

Cosmic GP

In the final months of The Click as it used to be I decided to write this song about what it is we do. We used to throw these kick ass LAN parties and well, fuckit. It's actually not bad, but since i don't know how to play it on this site I decided to transcript it here.
Good Times.

=GamersParadise=

Me and my Click Ball supreme kid
rolling in second hand cars, bump music wit beats and speak like supreme stars
Fucking supreme broads, in slow motion digital
me and the TV screen wit a small bottle of lotion
OH NO, here we go again, she said she'll bring friend
who likes hangin wit cats who play the Clix
Almost broke but i'm spending like it's never gonna end
two bottles of milk pls, cheese, a fifth of gin, ah shit
Everybodies tryna play to win, gotta pocket full of dice that roll critical hits
Whats this, if ya mans talkin shit, he can bring it
LAN party's at the crib tonite, I'll leave'em swingin off Deez
nuts in the my jeans, Fuck nigga pls, you still rollin wit a pentium III
Soundchip in ya motherboard? Ya obviously soft
NO cards? Not even one? Well you ain't able to floss
WE BALL, Always Like sitting on Airways
You drop fifty on that Lame game, I got it for free
Connected
Like how I'm bootleggin beats, if you don't know
"GP" and yo it's sold not told
So here we go.


Anyway thats enough, someone might be getting bored, but hey, I think thats the closest depiction of what it was like. But basically we spent money, played various games, debated on whatever(and i mean WHATEVER), oh and talked incredible amounts of shit on each other.
The American Way.

HOLLA!!!
Bring it

NO PICS

I made a post before this one, but I accidently erased it and said fuckit i'm not gonna write it again.
Well actully i thought about writing it again, but i was a lil pissed that i couldn't use the pic I wanted to on it because Angela currently has the pic I had in mind.
So....naturally I got to thinkin as i do and figured it would be better to alert all those concerned about the fact that angela has priceless pictures of us doing things and sharing moments we're never gonna get back.

I'm actually surprised this isn't as big a deal as it should be. And maybe thats just because with all that went on we simply forgot there are pictures of us out there showing us at our best. I'm just gonna wing the rest of this and write from the heart.
I almost feel like i'm pleading when i say that this should literally be a prime objective on anyone who values the moments we shared. Come on guys WE ARE NEVER GONNA HAVE THAT AGAIN LIKE IT WAS. Take it in. We NEED TO GET THOSE PICTURES FROM ANGELA. I can't understand for the life of me why it's such a big deal that she can't let us get copies. PLs leave me some feed back on this post. It's not like all the other bullshit I talk about on here. Those pictures are the shit by the way if you haven't seen them. I could to so much more with this site and even talk about some really good times if I had those pictures. And I say if I had them but really i sincerely mean "we". Don't just brush this off Pleeeeease, Garys gonna be leaving soon, and i'm sure we'll all wish we had those pictures one day when he's gone.
In my book this will go down as the greatest crime if we just let Angela keep those pics to herself, and last relics of Paradise Lost as well.
I still can't see why she won't give them to us, I hope nothings happen to them, and she's just stalling because she don't wanna tell us they fucked.
But anyway i'm not gonna shit on Angela just yet, guess i just felt like this is the topic that really needs to be addressed and i hope everyone doesn't bullshit on this one like they have when it comes to get togethers.
I think it's something you'll regret in the long run.
Trust me

Point A, to Point B

Roll Out

This Post is dedicated to a buddy who reminds me of when I was broke.
I'm not gonna say names, not because I don't want him to be known by those who read this, but more so because I think his name doesn't need to be said.
Everyone is gonna know who I'm talking about(hehe).

INDEPENDENCE means alot to a person who's once stood out of it, but it comes at a price these days. I work because cable cost money, I work because my lights cost money, I work because i need to eat, I work because i like to make phone calls, I work to support my habits or trends, and finally i work to own a car so i can be where i please, or leave when i please regardless of whats going on or who wants me to stay. And as long as i can funtion as a normal human being Les aint gone stop getting whats good.

Of the above lets focus on the main luxury of the day. Owning a car. Cars cost money, no doubt about that. Gas, tags(which i have to pay this month), oil changes, tires, tune-ups, breaks, I'm sure the list goes on. You never get the money you put in a car back, and in short the only bitch I'll ever spend my money on is my car, atleast she gets me where I wanna go.
Most of us bite the bullet, it's a price we have to pay these days. It's alomst undeniable that the automobile is a standard of life, I mean I've seen homeless people who have vehicles to call thier own, gotta be better than sleeping in the street anyway.

With that in mind, it still puzzles me why some people who know they got places to be don't focus on getting the modern marvel we call "the automobile". Instead they bug us to shae the bitch we have. The only people I really mind getting in my bitch are the ones who have bitches of they own. I ask some married guy who he'd rather leave in his house, the guy who is already married or the bachelor.

Even worse are those who have become comfortable in lacking. They act or seem like the obvious solution to there problem is the half ass one. NO it isn't.

I remember calling people up while they were enjoying thier day and asking/begging them to come get my no car having ass, and listening to them ask me if I'd asked So and So already, then saying the classic phrase, "Damn man aight, I'll be there." Fuck that shit. That was my motivation to get a vehicle A-sap. Or seeing a female and thinking man I'd like to take her out, and even thinking shit but I'd have to burrow someone elses ride to do it. (Shoutout to my brother for letting me.) But that that shit aint cool. Most people will have stipulations and rules/curfew on when they want thier bitch back(i would too by the way), then i got two dates and i'm not in complete control of the situation.
I've said enough. Bottom line, if you live in a country thats greater than 3rd world, GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND GET A CAR LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. Enough is Enough. Change comes eventually and the clock is ticking.
WE ROLL

Niggs to the Front, Whites to the Back!!!

Lost and found

Gary OMG!!

Last night i get off of work and theres a message on my answering machine. "Bitch we're coming over, DEEP!!"
It's Gary.

20 minutes later theres a bang on my door and these three muthafuckaz(Gary, Matt, and Chris) storm into my house. It doesn't take long to realize that Gary is fucked up. FUCKED UP. I see it in his eyes, theres a look of intensity only those who've seen him drunk can already picture as they read this.
I'm told to immediately get some clothes on. Theres a party to go to. And the CLick will be there.
Time passes and i find myself in Gary's car with Matt at the wheel, Gary shotgun, and me, Chris, also Jim, now pullling into the drive way of a house full of stoners.
These are Chris's associates by the way, little do they know what is about to happen as we make it to the front door. So anyway after an elaborate password Chris uses to affliliate himself with the bunch we're in. Up to our necks.
Que Gary.

In the living room we're told to go directly downstairs to the basement. Gary still has this look in his eyes like he's let the alchohol take control. And he has. As we make our way downstairs the show begins. Gary slips into a fall/slide down the remainder of the last 5 steps into the basement. The noise gains the attetion of eveyone in the house, he acknewledges it and quickly moves on with the night with a simple yet loud "Oh damn".
In this basement there are women mostly, and a few guys. Are eyez are on us like "who the fuck are these guys". Naturally we take the seats next to the women. While it's immediately agreed that we are not welcomed here, and this is not our type of crowd, someone hands me the keys to the car and I'm not gonna let us leave until we get the most out of this experience.

I'm thinkin this is on my part but for a minute, Gary's doing well, talking to these white girls while continuously tappin on my leg to jump in, Matt and Jim kinda just veggie out on the couches, and Chris works the crowd. All of a sudden Gary becomes very anxious to leave and kept bugging me about and how no one in The Click is having a good time so we should go see George, then it happen. The man said and I quote "I"M THE ONLY ONE TALKING TO THESE WHITE BITCHES". Oh shit. Now for those of you who don't know Gary very well, his significant other happens to be a white woman, who he adores might i add, but the man was drunk, and while drunk all thoughts passed thru the mouth freely. UNRESTRAINED. Most of us including those outside of the click took this in, but he didn't give us the time we needed, he just kept going.
I held this one for the site and I don't think anyone else in The Click heard this, but he even said aloud to me "YEAH WE KNOW YOUR LOOKING FOR WHITE GIRLS TO FUCK."
I had to get away.

Time passes. (Not enough)

I'm upstairs conversing, it's alot more quiet. I settle in.
But the click eventually trickles up stairs and Gary make his entrance being one of the last to finally come up. The scene of serenity is quickly broken. And someone gave this muthafucka another beer. He comes over to me, sits down and suggests leaving again. Then unknown to me at first, gets up to take a piss. So anyway I'm ready to go now. We've accomplished making these people as uncomfortable as we felt and I'm proud of that. It was my intention. Chris suggests giving Gary a last go around the house and then we'll leave. This includes being introduced to everyone in the house. I don't know why but I followed them as far as the kitchen, Gary still saying whatever comes to mind.

Ok last paragraph. Hope your still with me. We're in the kitchen as I said talking to Gary, who is now upset he can't ride shotgun in his own car(Matt called it once he knew I was gonna be driving). I'm explaining to him the concept of ownership and how he can make his own rules. It doesn't take long before he puts his foot down and tells Matt how it will be, then declaring loudly "NIGGS IN THE FRONT, WHITES IN THE BACK!!!"
Everyone upstairs hears this including the women who were just earlier called white bitches. Shock is the reaction. I immediately tell Gary to take his drunk ass downstairs to finnish the tour so we can leave. Our farewell to everyone was for the most part uneventful, keep in mind most of these people were pretty fucked up, but you could tell they were happy to see us go. Outside theres a blonde who is clearly upset, talking on the phone.
Gary says goodbye to her. Then accuses her of ignoring him but tells her it's ok. Some reports say that she was even called a white bitch right when we came out. Anyway we get in the car, back out of the driveway.
Then it was over.

Later that night and even today in his sobbered state, Gary regrets nothing. Just like ah nigga.
Some things never change. One of them is Gary when drunk, in or out of Paradise.

Thank you for your time.



Sign of the Times

Dead Broke

Being broke is inspirational.

Now that my money problems fade with the passing of each day. I can't help but remember when i was extremely broke.
For me having not money (for myself anyway) had a sobbering affect. Guess i'm saying since i didn't/couldn't do anything else, i spent alot of time with myself. During most days of The Click, i was kinda like the second Jim. No money asking others for what little they had in creative ways.
A thank you to the following by the way for helping out a broke ass so i could become the ONE i am now.
Jerome(my brother) Gary, ryan, Nadia, George, Angela(hate to say it, but yes) and Mommy, hehe.

Funny how i can look back and think of those times as good ones. Less responsibility, more free time, no financial obligations to seriously consider, and vehicles that resembled a bad relationship, ya never knew what would happen the next day.
Oh and the constant struggle to get over on those close for a meal, movie ticket, or free round of beers. Good times.
Hell thinkin back even farther I wouldn't even change the days of wearing the same underwear for like a week, and sleeping in various homes of those who cared. Helps me appreciate what i wake up to now. Accomplishment is a cool thing, str8 up.
Guess what i'm realizing now is that although i was down sometimes and wondering what to do with my life, it's really ok to be young and broke, cause you still have your whole life ahead of you. Also, even though the Paradise is gone, I'm grateful for those i shared it with those days. We had good times and I learned alot from you people, even though some relationships had to end quite badly. Maybe one day will all be cool again. Then again maybe not.
I'm not gonna say it'll never happen anymore. I just hope we're not as irresponsible as we once were.

MESSAGE!!


Funny