continued...............
When Stuart was released a few days later, Jim, Matt, and I went to his house to see him. We took a walk and talked about things, regular things to take our mind off the fact one of us would be gone soon and i think we all knew it, just affraid to admit it to each other and to ourselves. It was impossible to imagine ourselves without him. Sometimes it still is.
He confessed to us that he was seeing a girl that we all figured had had already slept with, but we were wrong because they had just recently consummated the relationship. And she was the one who took him to the hospital after he cut himself because he called her. And when he died I have no doubt she became a little more lost than the rest of us because they were good for each other, but what can you do when you find someone who loves you and then they die soon after? I suppose if you're young enough you move on and try to find soemone else to fill the void before it becomes and cancer. I wonder how she's doing.
He didn't want to stay at his place, and we didn't want him to either, and so we all went to my place and hung out for awhile, talking and reminiscing about just random shit. I wish I could remember every detail and every laugh and wink and trash-talk we mad that day, that last day, but i can't remember the conversation any more than I can remember what he wore in his casket-laid out for everyone to get one last look. What I do remember is at some point he went outside, to get some air - he was tired of being indoors. Torn between my desire to give him space and smother him with reasurring love, I decided to join him after a short while. He was sitting on the ground in the parking lot, thinking. I'm not sure what - I can't really remember. He was simply afraid he was crazy and his mind was slipping. I told him we all have times of doubt, where it seems like everything is going wrong and there isn't any reason to go on, and yet here we are - barley twenty-one and almost a lifetime ahead of us. He was afraid, he told me and he wanted a hug and so I gave him one and he cried in my shoulder. To think, a few weeks ago he was giving me a speech, when things were going to shit with Angela, about how life was worth living and we were too young to give up finding that one true love. I had never entertained the thought of suicide, but I appreciate the sentiment and felt relieved someone could see thing from my perspective. This man who told me how precious life is, was sobbing in my arms because he was tired of living.
The irony was lost to me at the time.
Poem in Stuart's Blood
5 comments:
tommy, thanks for the kind words. Maybe sometime during winter break, we could all hang out sometime. We're all still alive, might as well hang out while we can...
I'm not sure what happens in Kansas these days anymore, considering the fact I live in Albuquerque now...
sorry man, we had to pick up "The Skinny" mix tape from the studio, by the time we got out it was like 10pm. It was crunch time after that if we wanted to make it to the club. I'll make it up to you.
I surfed over here from Arsons spot. That was a very powerful story. Many times I've just wanted to go crawl in a hole somewhere or just up and leave the world to get away from the things in my life. I've entertained the idea of suicide more times than I'd like to admit, but never attempted it...and I've never believed that I would ever bring myself to attempt it.
Sorry, I'm rambling. This is a beautiful tribute to your friend. I'm sorry for your loss, but I hope this has helped in your healing process. Blessings.
This was a beautiful tribute, I just read it for the first time. Came upon it by accident, by just typing in the word hyaughit, because I remembered Gary and Stuart made up that word. Love you son.
Post a Comment