Ok so....... where to begin?
I have issues with masculinity. Mostly because I'm still a skinny dude.
I traded the athletic days of my youth for books, music, and conversation. Still I have managed to stay in pretty good shape through the years. I don't look like the old man I am on the inside, haha (knee slapper).
Manhood is one of those things ya know.
My father was a very manly guy, even to this day in his old age he can be an intimidating figure. I know that all the good qualities about him have become a blueprint to me of the measure of a man. And sometime I ask myself if I have been a better man than him, even without the manly physical qualities he possessed.
Subconsciously I find myself sizing up men all the time. I used to fight a lot when I was growing up, and I was good at it. So I wonder a lot how I would hold up in a fight now that the years have gone by. My job is like a gym locker room, full of alpha male egos, man-jokes, and who's got the biggest dick conversations. Needless to say I am totally immersed in testosterone.
Hell the first time I watched the movie 300 I couldn't help but feel like a woman. Haha.
Thing is, I don't think that this is just me. As a matter of fact I know it isn't.
These are the things that concern men in general I am willing to bet.
Along with Power, money, women, and the size of our dicks. I go out to clubs and find my self in a scene so superficial I usually choose not to participate. And still I understand it in all of it's "human nature".
Women. This post isn't a women why some women like me and some don't post, but. I do analyze what women are and aren't into. And how I fit into that relation. I forget that I am skinny a lot. There is such a big man inside this small frame. And I don't carry myself like a skinny guy. LOL, mostly because I tend to forget how small I am. If I am that small anyway. Could all just be in my head. I doubt that though.
Suppose I could just hit the gym.
I don't wanna be a BIG guy though, I just wanna stay in shape.
However small I may be I have always depicted myself image as a larger man than I seem. Pride myself on personality, and accomplishment. As well as depth.
None of this takes away a certain insecurity I get from not developing into the physical man my father was, or even my concept of what a man should be physically while most of my peers grew to be what I considered (physically) as men. Though most aren't half the man as I.
I am not a hairy man, I am not a large man. I can't grow a beard and most of my body hasn't changed much since I was 17 or 19.
So, self consciously I wonder what women think of me when they see me. Especially the ones who are totally into me, and especially those who see me naked.
Ultimately I don't feel I live up to my own personal image of self sometimes, and I don't like that.
I hope that (mentally) isn't holding me back.
Enough.
