Spaced Out

So. What have I been up to these days???
Absolutely NOTHING. I work, sleep, and eat. It's like I'm on auto pilot. Constantly missing Heather and looking forward to our future together. Sounds corny?? Maybe it does. So what. Right?? It's been a journey since I first started writing this blog. I've definitely had my ups and downs as far as life goes. Women have come and gone, MONEY, lol has come and gone. The last ten years and everything in them has come and gone.
And now I seek the calm.
Calm before the new year/decade of what will be a constant. Beginning with Heather.

So for now I've just been taking a break, reading and clearing my mind. Finding serenity is a daily quest so I stop and appreciate even the simplest things in life. Hell just the other day i sat and meditated to the heat vent blowing in my room. I think about the walls, the direction I'm facing, and enjoy the feeling of deep breaths and a quiet mind. No revelation, no new understanding, just leaving things as they are and have been presented to me, but taking the time to notice them in a new light that has always been there.
Ya know?

I don't want anymore drama. I intend to move forward in as constant a true manner as I possibly can. I don't wanna deal with anyone who deals with "shit" in general or who can even bring it into my life. I need to relax so badly. And that is all I want.
Haha, I'm even gonna watch Saturday morning cartoons again! (Well if i can get thru them, they baby kids too much these days)

So anyway that me towards the close of 2009. Just chilling and spaced out. I'm in the eye of the storm as far as I'm concerned.
Just chill till it's time to man up and pass thru the other side. I'm Focused man, and since I've gotten rid of all the dead weight I'm surround by the few I can trust.

And I believe that.

Yall be cool.

MY MINI

Small? Yes. Plenty of room for me? Yes. Fun to drive?? Incredibly.

Not exactly the type of ride you pull up in front of the club in but hey. I dare to be different.

Two Months ago.........

Ok so I'm sitting her today (sick) and I'm wondering in light of my new years resolution to leave Kansas for once and for all. How bad do you want this bro? How bad could it be? Your leaving this place and a relatively good job, to pursue a dream/change of lifestyle so one day you don't wake up 15 years from now wondering why your still living in Topeka. The problem is I have responsibilities here that just aren't so easy to walk away from. But, how bad could it be if I just said fuck it all and got outta dodge. I could pick back up on that stuff as soon as I got my shit situated. The bigger picture is that I don't have a life here, and I'm not enjoying my life here. Is this selfish? I mean you only live once right? Can I live?

I've already sacrificed over a decade to this place and my affairs in it. I'm running a tread mill here, and happiness has escaped me, in spite of achievements many would view as success. Truly money does not buy happiness. Also, and I don't know what it is about this place but my music is at a stand still. I suppose I'm just not writing what this demographic is into, and I'm cool with that i guess. I mean it would have been nice to be respected in my craft more here, but you can't win them all right? Besides I get plenty of love outside of state....... I just wanna be there.

I can't regret being here. I got some much out of it. I became a man here. I just think it's time to move on. And I just wonder if this is something I need to be patient about. I feel this urgency to get the hell on by any means, cause this ain't living. On the flip side, LOL. Tony wants to get married. Single life as been good I must say, but I feel like I need a change of pace. I've done so much on my own in this beautiful struggle, I'm ready to have a partner now been praying on it for sometime now. Regardless of whatever dating I've been doing for the last 6 years emotionally I've been "singe". The last woman I gave my heart to didn't really act right (lol). I'm over that shit now though. As the years went by I also got to know myself better, in short after all this time I know I'm ready to settle in. Not with anybody though. But she will come...... if she hasn't already.

They love to point the Finger!

It's mad funny how everyone is taking shots at my character these days. Soooo..... I'm a lying, backstabbing, weak ass, selfish, egotistical, arrogant, asshole, fake sonova..... oh hell you fill in the blanks. Half the people who read this probably have their own negative word to describe me.

I read things. People tell me things.... I think you are funny. Especially since these same people called me at some point if not still... a friend. I could sit here and play the role like that shit don't bother me but it does. I could easily put some things about All of you who talking shit but I won't. And the last post about John, that was really being easy on him. And like him some of you I really had a lot of love for, in spite of my faults. These last few months have been crazy for me, but things turned out like I knew they would. So first I wanna say fuck you to the doubters. Second, when I was down there were some I really thought would be there, you weren't... So fuck you too. On specific shit I suppose we could get into that but I would like to put it like this.

What did I do to you??

I mean really. When I got issues with people I take it to them. You don't have to figure me out. I don't mind that type of confrontation. Especially with people I have to deal with on a daily basis. So if I'm coming to you about issues I have with you. Why do I have to hear or read about you talking shit or having a problem with me? What kind of shit is that??

And I'm selfish. Fuck you people man. FUCK YOU!!

I get all this silence and shit in person. But then I get you hear all this shit you got to say from other people and on the fucking internet.
I would be in your face about this shit right now if you wasn't str8 cut the fuck off.

:) So now I hope you "get the fucking clue." Aside from my blog, I really don't run around telling lies and spreading my propaganda on people. I'm wiping my hands clean of this place soon any way so fuck it.

And once again.
Fuck you.

TransFormers

"More than meets thee eye"

I didn't want to do this, but I fell like I need to in hopes of protecting my integrity as a friend, as an emcee, and most of all as the man I claim to be.

If you don't know the history I've kicked it and ran ryhmes with Kansas City's beloved John "StikFiga" Westbrook for about 10 years now. And our true professional attempts at Hip-Hop have existed since we resurrected the "ONLYONES CrEW" in 2005 with Mike "LOve" Jones. We are from TOPEKA You can find our efforts on myspace @ http://www.myspace.com/theonlyonescrew-Links for each artist in the top five.

Since our first project "The Skinny" a trend began. We ALL would head to the studio, have a good time and make good music. But when it came time for release........ if any of you have heard that mixtape none of Stik's crew are on it, but "MacLethal" a local KC rapper who's made quite a name for himself. As a matter of fact if they been listening no one can tell me a final product that "StikFiga" has put out with HIS closest crew on it. Stik introduced me to Mike "LoveJones" in the fall of 2005. Upon introduction I was told that Mike was "The deal". "I fucks wit him" is how it was put to me. So I fucked with him too. I see now that after Mike's usefulness was over, so was the need to have him around as I listened from the same man mouth that "we need to loose the white boy".
I remember when John (StikFiga) first got his endorsement with Oddisee out in D.C.. He tells Mike "We put in our applications and I got the job." It seemed to me that upon some prospect of success, he found no regard for those who've stood with him. I've never been much of a hater, when I heard the news I was happy for him. I still am. (On a side note just earlier that year the Cali Agents was getting at us thru me. And he was eager to keep the crew together till it fell thru.)

My only issue with John (Stik). Is the same issue I've always had. And the one that finally broke the camels back. I've been there since the beginning, and we out there trying to do this for us and ours. These people you big up and speak on in these interviews ain't your crew. So why do you mention them and not those close who you claim are so talented?? Explain that. And explain that to those who you do big up.

Because with my own ears I've heard John "StikFiga" Westbrook disrespect MacLethal, Approach, CEsCru, Greg Enemy, Dutch Newman, and a few others. In our last confrontation he claimed most of you are just the opportunist that I am stating he is. This coming from his own mouth. What you read above is just a brief glimpse into so much more.
I'm a loyal dude to the people I got love for. I don't expect anyone to stop dealing with Stik. Dude is talented and I don't think anyone can hold him back. Just know what type of cat you dealing with.

Like I said before I didn't want to do this. But John. When you went to Nadia at the Pitch and made it come off like I was "boo hoo" over not being mentioned. I didn't appreciate that. Because I came to you about how I felt about the issues we have as a whole. And I warned you to walk away from that conversation with a piece of mind. And if you or anyone else can't see the point I'm trying to make then fuck you and them.
When you and Mike fell out I looked at both sides and gave you the benefit of the doubt. This last month is like a slap in the face, and professionally I think it's too late to make that shit right. I still wanna salvage a friend ship out of this, but know that I don't wanna deal with you on any type of music level. I'm gonna wrap up this project that Me and You worked on and call it a day. Since it's going to California I hope you get something more out of it. I don't expect you to mention it at all here. It's the last solid I'm hitting you with on my connection list. While in regards to music, thank you for nothing. It's time to support those who support me, and I wish ya well bro.

Do yourself a favor and do not respond to this post in a unfavorable way.

I can go deeper.

I am the Devil........

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really "Satan" at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild - or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Fever

It's just human. We all have the jungle inside of us. We all have wants and needs and desires, strange as they may seem. If you stop to think about it, we're all pretty creative, cooking up all these fantasies. it's like a kind of poetry.
"Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider" Shit this is sooooo true.

Lip Service

But seduction isn’t making someone do what they don’t want to do. Seduction is enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do already.
"Waiter Rant"

The Loud quiet

Ok, lets talk about trust. This blow is severe, a critical hit. This IS me on the ropes after someone I consider close slipped me a mickey, patted me on the back and sent me into an arena with wolves. And it's amazing right now that I'm not panicked or angry.
In posts before I've stated that I was on my way to something horrible in my life, which could be at this moment why I'm so calm.
I share this with the masses mainly because I want to look back on day and this post and admire my calm. I trusted someone and they fucked me. They fucked my reputation, they fucked my finances, and they've fucked me in the head a little more on how I will deal with others in the future. And this is just the beginning. All of my plans for the future at this point will be put on hold unfortunately for now. Haters will take they best shots and gawk at the falling star. Truly if anyone has awaited my downfall, this is your time!! Revel in it!! And all this from someone I trusted. Trust.
On the personal side. At night for the last 10 years all I ask God for in this world is a "peace of mind" and "Strength". Nothing is promised here, and shit happens to good and bad people everyday. I only wanted what could not be taken from me, and that is all I pray for. A man wants to be a better cook, he spends a lot of time in the kitchen, a man wants to be a better fighter, he logs more time in the ring. I want the mental strength and peace of mind to handle the hardships that are set before me, so this is another training session. And this is intense. This is Public. This hurts. This will pass.

This is because I trusted someone when they looked me in the eyes and told me THEIR truth. Ultimately I blame no one but myself. I made decisions and I will pay for them.
I forgive you. I thank you.

"No one has hurt me more than you. And no one ever will."

Got Mouth?

Ok, Ok, if only I could count the many times I should've just Shut the Fuck up. Now that it comes to mind there are a few times when I told a female I loved them (because i did)..........bad move. Then again there are times when I didn't like a girl and told them that...... again not a good move.
Still for the most part I get caught up in embarrassing, even awkward situations just for saying inappropriate shit to women, or even men. I blame most of this on my on going friendship with Gary. I mean me and Gary have no boundaries when it comes to conversation. No topic is taboo. Now in my defense, when you hang out with someone like that and throw those who tend to deal with it in the mix, you become totally submerged in a free spirited environment. And I swam in that shit for over 3 years. So I have sporadic moments of inappropriate outburst over the phone, at a party, in bed, etc, etc. Needless to say sometimes that shit gets me in trouble. Especially with women.
Now for some of these women I get it. Ok your upset, I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry, you don't know me, and I get it that you don't get it Ms. Sensitive. But I expect more tolerance for women who know me. Especially if that's part of what you like about me. I say shit, I don't like boundaries in relationships I have with people. With my closest friends, we should be able to talk about ANYTHING. Cause I don't see what the big deal is. I made a comment about a VERY Close friend's breasts today. And she got mad. What kinda shit is that. If She reads this posts, I'm sure she'll get even more upset. But whatever. I'm sick of that shit.
And I'm tired of you, someone I've known for over 16 years getting mad at me for being me. You KNOW how I get down.
Besides I'm not being mean when I say what I say. I'm just making conversation. And no I'm not saying that people should tolerate and participate. I just don't understand why it has to turn into such a huge problem. Anyway though, here I am. No one to talk to tonite and thru inappropriate comments loosing out on talking to the one person I did have. I suppose I deserve it. "YO POUR A GLASS OF THAT OVER HERE!!" I'm lonely.

DEUCES

Sup yall? Well, for those who care, The OnLyONes CRew is no more. Yup, we fucked it up this morning. And not even enough drama to make a movie over. I'm good though, I mean I had prep time. Knew this was coming. I see alot more change for the future, but I'm gonna put my best foot forward and feel good about it. I can leave Topeka now, but where do I wanna go. Lets see, we have Virginia Beach, VA- Pheonix, AZ, or the ATL, Ga.......hmmm. I really don't know what to do. I hear they head hunting in Arizona though, and that ain't cool. Meanwhile I'm feeling like i need to get my workout on. Don't mind the skinny, but i think I'm getting a lil too soft. Gonna have to work that out.

Oh yeah, I'm single lol. But you would be surprised what some think. Even still...... I'm not sleeping with anyone these days lol (except my hand on occasion). It's a choice. No Shame here, shit is more safe, and no one is pissed off at me at the end of the week. Well it was suppose to work out that way, but I'm still accused of being what I'm not. Oh well I guess.
Man my head hurts by the way. Too much negativity taken in today. Exhausting. Took a stroll back to my younger years, been bumping 90's joints all day. Above the rim soundtrack, The Show, Murder was the case, and New Jersey Drive. Good times man. Now all I need is to end the day with a good jazz track. Maybe some Sam Cooke soul music. I'm kinda winging it.
At the end of the day though, I can't make everyone happy, so I'm gonna focus on me and those who make me happy. LOL, man i know somebody gonna have something to say about that. Anyway Yall be cool. And I hope you'll get a copy of my new cd when it comes out. It was made in a storm of insecurity, paranoia, chaos, and distrust. I just dressed it up and sprinkled arrogance on it. :) Be cool people!!!

Flickr

Greg Enemy at the Granada this past wednesday night.
You LIKE??????
I'm taking photos now thanx to the influence of someone quite close to me. And I love it. While I would love to have some women to shoot, I've yet to find a candidate. Still I know it will take some time to be taken seriously. Other than my equipment, I'm still just a guy taking pictures with a camera. I'm shooting with a Nikon d60 w/ an 18-55mm lens. LOL, i don't know exactly what that means but to those who do, I'm told it's a kick ass camera so fuck it. Anyway my photos can be viewed on flickr. The address is / www.flickr.com/tonyflaco /
I only hope I get the support I've been given in music so much. thank you.

Midnight Snack

You ever wake up in the middle of the night and your brain is just blowing thru information like a rabbit on speed? I have. Most recently as a matter of fact. Because I'm kinda pissed. And I really wanna get my hands on cupid so I can kick his ass. Ya know, I mostly hold back from the things I want to say because although I don't get the kind of traffic I used to on this blog. I know people are still stopping by every once and awhile and I guess I care more than I let on about hurting peoples feelings, or pissing someone off. Better yet I'll go about this in a round about way.

I don't understand women. I know people okay, but I don't understand women. Especially in relation to me. I've stated this before and I'll state it again. If you happen to find yourself actually falling for my skinny ass, I will most likely be clueless. You have to tell me at some point. With that said I don't want to know when it's too late! I've had more than my share of women after they get married or are in an exclusive relationship tell me how much of a crush or attraction they had for me when they were single. See usually I have, or at some point will hit on my friends. When I meet a woman I really just wanna kickit. I really just wanna make a friend. But I sleep with my friends if I'm really into them (though at a time in my life I did even if i wasn't)..... had the opportunity presented itself. I've been single so long what am I suppose to do? Don't answer that question.
Further more, contrary to popular belief, I'm not a dog. I don't just sleep around with random women. And I'm quite capable of handling long term relationships, though they have mostly fell on my terms as of late.
I was in a loving relationship for more than 3 years in my early twenties so I know what love is.
I loved her like I love my sister. I loved her like I love my mother. She did wrong and I forgave her. She cheated on me and I forgave her. She broke my heart then crushed it over and over with the heels of her boots...... and I forgave her. We didn't stay together and at times I hated her, but I forgave her. We hardly speak now and I don't much care if I ever see her again in life. But I have forgiving her. What I learned is that she did not love me. And when you love someone forgiving is infinite. After her the bar was risen. No one ever loved her like I did and no one ever will. And still that isn't me saying no one will love her again.
Back to my point. Love is not that difficult. I know people who have loved each other there entire lives. It's not easy dealing with most anyone over the years but that type of glue keeps you together thru all kinds of shit. IT'S THE BOND THAT ISN'T DIFFICULT. The power of it, that makes people do stupid shit and turn their nose to the world for that glory of love. I'll pass judgement because I've been loved as I have loved, but I didn't play games with it. I kept it very clear where my feeling were because what goes around comes around.

This Lemon cake is good. And I don't even really like lemons.
This milk gives me gas, but I'll drink it anyway.
......Like a moth to a flame. Funny. I'm not good with women, but I still put myself thru the trails that come with them.
And something tells me this is normal. But I'm ranting again, I really think this is turning into a rant that will eventually spiral into nothing of coherency -so-I-will-stop-now.

Surely someone knows what the hell I'm talking about.
I'm going back to bed.
be cool

Look into my eyes. Or just read the following.

Ok........So I"m 30 now...................WoW.

Come so far. And still I have so far to go............I can't help but wonder what's next.

I don't think I've peaked yet.

Na......I'm definitely still on the climb.

I know someone is gonna have something to say about it but.......I can't believe I'm still Single.

And I still wonder if I always will be.

I wonder.

Feeling Collage (A Novelty)

No one will understand this.

The Speed Of Sound plays in my background. I Run my fingers through my head as if it is a new beginning and wish for another moment to drown out the voices in my head. How did it all begin, I want to understand. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Inhale this world. Smile.
I don't want to puzzle the pieces of the unfortunate. I just want to leave them where they lay and Move The FUCK ON. Appreciate My artistry. My passion. My moment here in this beautiful, chaotic world. Massage my shoulders. Everyday.
She will understand, she will understand, she will understand. I need someone to lean on. Still I will press on alone, because I am strong. Do you, see thru me. Do you, pay attention. Do you care. RHETORIC. I've changed, I SMile. Smile.

Do I love writing? Or do I love to hear myself talk?
Who am I now? Am I a total stranger to the child i once witnessed in the mirror? There you are! I see you when I smile!
And I smile. I'll always be waiting for you. Truly I will. You warm my heart with Tears. I love you so much. So Very much.
They won't understand and I will be oblivious because they do not matter in these moments cherished.
Cherished.
Speak slow and maybe it will last a bit longer. Speak true and it will last forever, and ever.
The stars shine for you. Tis your turn. lol, Revel in the moment.
Still there??
SMiLe. Smile for me.
Thank you.

DAMn......

I know now that I need to leave this place. I'm not from here and it's draining me. I worry about my path in life if I continue it in the state of Kansas. I'd almost forgotten how weird this place is since I first got here. I think I've been engulfed in it. I've manage in my daily affairs to loose more friends early in the year. It has become customary for me to loose friends here.....lol, maybe it's just me. Really I think this place is just draining me. I'm getting really sick of women especially as of late. "AND NO I'M NOT GAY, NOR TO I INTEND TO BE". I just can't stand the stupid shit they do. The mood swings, the shallowness, and at times just down right mean, and thoughtless, self centered types of attitudes. And I didn't come to this conclusion just because some woman broke my heart. I run into alot of women doing shows, going to the club, as well as other social gatherings...... or again maybe it's just me, though i doubt that. I could go on for days on that subject.

I really think it's just the people here though, and at this point I feel I've worn out my welcome here. This is not my home, I'm gonna stop telling my self it is. I've really sat and thought this out though, I need change. I need to get away from here. It's just not realistic to up and move at this point with the way things are going in this economy. How does one leave a life as materially blessed as mine to start all over again in a new town? I'm open for suggestions because I would very much like to make this happen.
My heart is broken though. I've lost faith in the people around me as well this place I'm forced to call my habitat. I'm ready to make it all a chapter in my life that i leave behind.

be cool yall.

ps. I know I'm down now sorry about that yo, but stick around. I'll smile again.