I may becoming to a close on this blog. I can't really be sure.
Apparently most of my writing super powers have been spent. Also, to be quite honest, I was so much better at this when I was an egotistical asshole...... oh well.
My arrogance and selfishness were actually a creative drive that I still to this day think I needed at the time. My "attitude" really help me take it where I wanted it to be mostly because I abandoned all self consciousness. And until I get that back or simply adapt to whoever this is I am now. I really can't say where this is going. Besides I don't like being so..... so..... speechless at times, and self analytical. Unless those who still do read actually wanna hear about a man who is approaching middle age in the next few years.
So.
What have we learned in the last 6 years? What remains a constant?
The closest people fuck you and console you. I have not abandoned my "self reliance", and still I quest for someone who will spark my faith in my fellow mankind.
I am sooo tired of living his life alone. True I was married, but she was not with me, and that is the only reason we are apart. I was basically sleeping with the enemy. All the judging and putting me down on a daily basis may very well have drained me creatively now that i think about it.
And all of a sudden, I get this feeling I have had before. Like nothing I say even matters. Just words in the wind. I feel that way in court, I feel that way in discussions, and in dealings of the heart overall. What is the point? Words in the wind.
I've withdrawn to this place where I totally shelter myself now. So I work a lot to pay people what I owe and to keep a roof over my head so I can continue to shy from the public eye. A collapse within. I still hold faith that this is just a phase and I will be back.
I can't even sit down and write a song anymore.
Like the guy in all my previous work is someone else entirely.
Yeah I get depressed sometimes too. I think that is mostly because I miss my friends. I mean anyone I really give a damn about is not in Kansas, and I'm trapped here. Just so we are clear, I get depressed, I don't have Low self esteem, I don't suffer from depression on a continuous basis. I just get depressed sometimes, because I am dealing with situations and none of the people involved seem to give a damn about me.
I don't wanna walk alone anymore. Tired of doing this on my own. But I will lie in the bed I made, before I lay with a love I loathe again.
So here we go........I must proceed...... BaBy StEpS.
6 comments:
dont delete it, just let it hang. that's what I did w/ mine, now im coming back to it
"All the judging and putting me down on a daily basis may very well have drained me creatively now that i think about it." <-----I am trying to figure out WHY WHY WHY would you even marry her if this is the person she was. And you can't say you did not know, people show signs early on. Maybe you had the wool pulled over your eyes, maybe she hid it well. But beyond all that, your smart enough to realize when people are not being true. But what do I know, have not been in the situation. Just makes me wonder is all. Crazy. And it sucks as well. So I admit, I actually feel bad for you if it all was as bad as you say. From the outside looking in, it seemed well and like you had found the one. But only you two knows what went on behind closed doors.
Oh. Keep writing, maybe it will just take time to get the creativity back. It can be viewed as a gift, so if you don't use it. You lose it.
Signed Concerned.
You know really in short I was in love. She was everything to me at first. And the day she moved in the warning shots came. And having not been in a relationship in a real relationship in YEARS, part of me said, "maybe this is normal, it's not all suppose to be easy right?" It was fucking stupid I know in hind sight, but I thought marriage would get her to calm down with the insecurity and b.s. And I could have the woman i fell in love with back. But instead it was just throwing gasoline on the fire. I fucked up.
You really do not want to not be alone. You say it but i tried to do everything and you just would pull and push. Everything you complained about in the past that i didnt do i did.This is post heather though....your not same & you blamed me for fucking all that up...no. That marriage hurt and the aftermath still hurts you. I made sure you knew i was with you and only you and that did not make you happy. God bless your search on the one because i tried to please anthony and not sure anything will ever please you.
I know who this is. And you should be glad I haven't written a detailed post about you.
By all means do so. I have learned that its just a mere opinion. Anthony you are entitled to yours. Somehow you always make me out to be the bad person. Nobody knows but you and i so write away buddy. ;0)
Tia Marie Shepherd
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