Reflection Eternal

Growing up,
I reveled in my youth. All of it's emotion, feelings, flavors, colors, and places.
Walked in the bitter cold woods of (Cold war) West Germany and enjoyed hot cocoa at the end of the trek in laughter amongst my friends. In Georgia I hiked through woods along the Chattahoochee River, chopping down trees, and fishing.
Played baseball, football, and ran track.

I have dined in the streets of Paris France. Spent three years of my preteens walking the same streets as Anne Frank in Frankfurt Germany (at around the same age). Born in Hawaii, raised in NY when not abroad. Even trekked the streets of Brooklyn in the late night for takeout chinese. So with all of it's problems.
Growing up was a beautiful struggle.

New shoes, old shoes
New cars, and more cars and bi-cycles to motor-cycles.
money, Money, MONEY.
girls, Girls, Women.
Ramen, to Ribs, Ribs to Crab, Lobster, and mignon. This list goes on.
In spite of my self I have been blessed.
So many books read, so many lessons.
A heart broken, who's broken hearts. And now I wonder how my time has defined me.
Me of so many words and still sometimes I remain silent.
Thirty-two years, (17 in kansas) who is my light?
Who have I touched that will stand testament to me?
In my time not after it.

Arrogant because I did it extravagant.
Selfish when I was selfless, and misunderstood from where I stood.
An Asshole, especially to the women I mashed thru, but you was just fucking me too boo.
And sometimes I'm just eight again, hotwheels on and 80's binge.
Listening to Billy Ocean, Def Leppard, and Rakim.
A-men.

I live across the street from a highschool now.
So envious of those years because as a teenager I had to grow up so fast.
So sometimes I feel as if I haven't grown up at all. If you understand my meaning.
WoW.
A light just came on.
My teenage years haunt me to this day. To the point that I don't even like being around teenagers. I'm jealous.
I knew even at 16 that I would never get it back, but what could i do?
I had to make it. Then it was for him or (who I am now). Now it is for him or (who I was who made it).

Arrogant, Asshole, Coward, Self-centered, Hmmm......
I think back, and pls correct me if I am wrong but,
When you needed me, I was there, when you spoke I listened.
I still got mad shit on my plate yo. I mean really, more money is more problems, and I can't seem to stay out of the
white man's courthouse to discuss my money, my affairs, and my life.

Arrogant, Asshole, Coward, Self-centered, Hmmm........
Where was you?

A Window

The list is few,
but in Love I go hard.
I must admit though that as picky as I am, I did not know toward what purpose that was. Maybe because I chose wrong.
And in one case, though I don't usually think this way, I may have chosen higher than my station in life.
But I loved her.

I still do.
A Decade has not changed that.

I call her my Heart, proposed to her before any man, and was put putty in her soft pretty hands.
I could be myself. I was alive.
Funny how times flies and Lovers who are friends, became friends who are Lovers.
And the ice is too thin. The days become shorter. And during this daily traveling day you find yourself asking,
"where am I going?"

Ya know, from a perspective, the world actually DOES revolve around you.
In my world, I loved at loves mercy, and I did it on my knees.
I wasn't a King, I was a Knight.
And I looked upon the women who loved me and I did not love as simple nobles and peasants (some anyway-sorry for the reference, I've been reading too much Game of Thrones lately, lol). Either way I never really believed they loved me because they did not love as I do. (And that was kinda stupid)
Whether I was right or wrong
-Karma is Law-
I believe that. Trust me when I tell you.
To those I have loved, and to those I have not, trust me. Karma can be a bitch.

I know this post is probably all over the damn place. Sorry
Maybe I look back a little too much, and I need to let some things go.
Truth is, I have no idea what I am doing anymore. Even when I think I know what I should do, even when it's all so very clear.
So usually I just say fuck it and leap.

" I love you girl. As much as I love myself if not more. After all these years. Dare I say even more than anyone has loved me."

These words are few to the actions and time that speak volumes.
Still in the end it may be meaningless and blow off in time like the leaves from a tree.
Memory.

"The Sweetest thing can become the Coldest Winter."
All or nothing,

That is the Game of Love.

Mind Jogger

Sometimes I wonder what dreams are made of.
If nothing more than a desire.
A place your mind goes that the physical self cannot follow, for it's own shelter.
Because a mind needs sleep, the body does not.

These vivid dreams of pure imagination have left me wanting at times. I recall a book I read, "The Alchemist" by Paulo Choelo, and I wonder if this world is trying to tell me something I do not know about this life.
This...... self.

Life,
is surreal when you really stop and think about it. Like WoW, this is really happening. I have never found such awkward moments in a dream. And on those two planes, is it sad if you feel as if you have lived more in your in mind?
Is this a time in life when you should emulate those dreams as much as you possibly can?

Just as well, maybe our dreams are all that await us on the other side of life. We do after all prepare our own heaven or hell in a way. My dreams are busy, wonderful, places, with distant lovers and sunsets beyond anything I have seen with my own eyes. And as in life each emotion is played out with far greater intensity.
Hate, fear, love, loathing, sorrow, and pain. Scores of original music by my self and at times the likeness of others in my life. This is my NeverLand. Sometimes I've begged God to take me there tonight. I need to start writing them down. NO, maybe I shouldn't bring that part of me here. Where it would weather in time.

I don't eat there, seldom bathe, and then it is only for pleasure. None of the burdens of the physical. A sight of the blind where all is so vivid and blurred at once while focused on the now, the moment, the experience of an instant in it's full capacity.
Even now as I try my best to scribe it for you. These are words on the wind. There will be no comments on this post other than the occasional spam or clique remark.
And that's cool. This was for me and whoever I will be in the future, God willing.

And I suppose dreams have many levels of interpretation. Your potential, your limitations, your memories, your expectations, your ambition, fear, anger, stress, and wishful thinking.

What gets to me the most about all this?
In this world why do mind blossom and rise,
only to eventually whither and die?
But hasn't this always been a question of philosophers and like minds.
Good night.

BladeRunner excerpt.

"I've seen thing you people wouldn't believe.
Attacked ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.
I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate.
All those moments will be lost in Time........ Like Tears in the Rain......... Time, to Die."

SHUT UP! S.T.F.U.!!

1. UniqueBlogs:  when ppl say  things about the government that makes no sense i want to tell them to stfu

2. me:  When people talk during moves too much i wanna tell them to stfu

3.  UniqueBlogs:  when ppl say stupid hypotheticals  i want to tell them to stfu lol

4. me:  When people ask me for help then try to tell me how to do it, I want to tell them to stfu

5. UniqueBlogs:  when ppl ask me for advice and then argue about the advice i'm giving i want to tell them to  stfu

6. me:  when i am debating with someone and they will not let me get a word in, I want to tell them to stfu

7. UniqueBlogs:  when I'm debating w/ someone and they take general statements personal I want to tell them to stfu lol

8. me:  When people I can't stand are just "talkin" to anyone, I want to tell them to stfu
 
9.  UniqueBlogs:  when ppl start talking about how they know "famous" people I want to tell them o stfu

10. when ppl start talking that Illuminati shizz i want to tell them to stfu

11. me:  When someone offers a person meat and they say "no I don't eat meat, I'm a vegetarian", I want to tell them to stfu

12. UniqueBlogs:  when holier than thou ppl won't go to dinner w/ their friends because a few of them might have a drink I want
to tell them to stfu

13.  me:  Speaking of which, when people tell me I need Jesus, I wanna tell them to stfu ( UniqueBlogs:  well, most times if it
is stated like that it's usually a joke || me:  these are people I don't know lol)

14.  me:  When people see me reading a book and in public and still try to talk to me, I wanna tell them to stfu

15. me:  Pathological liars.  STFU/ Nigga you wasn't there!!

16.  UniqueBlogs:  when ppl start talking in nigga language i want to tell them to stfu

17. me:  People who like to talk with food in they mouth make me wanna tell them to stfu

18. When someone tells me to stfu, I wanna tell them "NO, you stfu!"

19. People who always gotta be right about everything make me wanna tell them to stfu.

20.  UniqueBlogs:  ppl who always tell their personal business on social networking make me want to tell them to stfu

21.  me: People who excessively complain need to stfu

22. UniqueBlogs:  ppl bragging about how great their relationship is when they've only been dating a month need to stfu

23. me:  LOL, I wanna tell fine ass women to stfu.

24. UniqueBlogs:  hahaha. i wanna tell ppl who think their fine to stfu

25. me:  Jealous niggaz need to stfu

26. Broke Old men living with they moms need to stfu

27. UniqueBlogs:  men/wmn talking about how they love their kids but that's the last thing on their mind when payday comes
need to stfu

28.  me:  Men/women who don't have time for they kids need to stfu

29. me:  Bad ass kids need to stfu

30. UniqueBlogs:  ppl who claim their kids aren't bad need to stfu

31 .me:  People who talk too loud in restaurants make me wanna tell them to stfu

32. me:  This dude I know told us how he still showers with his 12 year old son..... we told him to stfu

33. UniqueBlogs:  when ppl use cliches on me when Im having a bad day i want to tell them to stfu

34. every time someone give me advice I just want to tell them to stfu!

35. when people don't need to be saying anything to me PERIOD i want to tell them to stfu


**this was a very candid conversation that was documented. Intended to be hurtful/harmful to anyone who needs to STFU**

So Sensitive

Niggaz is so sensitive these days man.

I say things to women I'm cool with and I must say, "thank you ladies, you deal with a lot" especially from my ass, but these niggaz you be around are so damn sensitive.
I mean MY GOd, why do these niggaz fly off the handle about WHAtever?!
I told a female I had sex with that I was in love with someone else, and she would most likely never be that person. She was cool about it. I say foul shit to women I don't even fuck with like that and they either move one or get over it. I mean being str8 with women is so easy because it's the honesty they seem to respect. EVen brutal honesty. I have dozens of examples I could put on here from my twenties when I was on some other shit most of the time.

Point is, these women out here got thicker skin than most of these niggaz. Aw man these NIGGaz get mad over the dumbest shit.
Niggaz get mad over stepping on shoes, gossip, who played lead in a movie, because I looked at you. REALLY NIggah? BECAUSE I LOOKED AT YOU??
Nigga I thought you was my cousin. You know we all look alike.
The alpha male syndrome or sense to prove "something" is running rampant in black males. I'm really just too cool for that shit because I get mines without it. I'm not even sure what niggaz get out of it these days. Yall niggaz missing out though, because we could be breaking bread instead of going back and forth on some dumb shit.

Niggaz don't get over it either. I talk to women a lot about the niggaz they fuck with. And these cats so caught up in they EMOTIONS they do some wild shit.
One of my home girls was taking a girl friend of hers out to a club in KU/lawrence. So before they set out, her girlfriend gets in a argument with this dude she dating and he tells her "you better not go anywhere tonite.", over the phone. She heads out anyway and while on the highway en route, who pulls up? This nigga. And homeboy proceeds to swerve at these two women driving in a mid 90's ford escort and runs them off the road. Blocks them off on the side of the highway, grabs her girlfriend out the car and drags her to his car, shoves her in passenger seat, then pulls off.
I guess she was going back home. Haha
Really?
I hear more stories about niggaz crying, lying, playing games, beating they women, fighting niggaz over women who don't want them in the first place, and other RANDOM, petty shit.
What the hell is going on?

In closing.
I'm glad I am not an overly sensitive man. I don't wanna live a life where everything someone says about me or anyone else has me flying off the deep end. I'm glad I'm not out shooting at someone or being shot at because I got in an altercation that had to be handled because I spilled my drink in a packed club, Or because someone whispers some bullshit in my ear. I got money to get, places to go, and women to meet. I'm good.

Maybe homey ain't good. Maybe he dealing with a lot of other shit that I don't know about.

Or maybe he's just a bitch.

Chill. I'm just keeping it Real.