ChillinThis is a pic Aaron took of me one night I came out to Lawrence to get my second XBox modded for a friend. I don't remember what i was reading or much else of this particular day, other than meeting one of Aaron's numerous "betty's".
Personally I don't like this pic. Sometimes i think light does me no justice. I have this complex, see sometimes I think i look like a fucking ape. And i'm not above talking shit on myself, take it as you will but when i look at this picture i see the 134 dollar Jordans, and the 60 dollars jeans and that 43 dollar sweater(hell even that red shirt underneath it is ecko i'm sure atleast 30 bucks) are all objects I obtained to cover up that "nigger" in them. Now don't get me wrong sometimes I feel really good about my appearance and when i do i'm Ballin. I don't feel bad about myself today but i'm just trying to be impartial/honest with myself right now.
This whole ape/nigger complex i've been known to have makes me nervous around pretty women, get this EVen pretty women who are attracted to me. This also makes it really difficult to talk to white women. There it's out there.
Btw lately i've been feeling old.
Don't get it twisted though i don't lash out on people like I'm sometimes known to do just because of my own insecurities or anything like that. I think the hardest thing to do is really look at yourself in the mirror, i mean try it sometime for like 5 minutes, you start to see a stranger. I've been there many times which is probably why I can get one here and dish out shit on people I know and see daily because i'm not worried about any feedback. I don't think anyone could be more critical of me than i am of my self.
These days i feel like I'm normal and special at the same time. But i wonder about weird shit like, whats it like to be a female and have sex with me, and whats it like to know Anthony and stand next to him, what kind of friend am i. Shit like that.
I think i wanna see me as all of you do. It would be cool to wonder "whats going on with him".
But i'll never have this luxury, though the closest I get to it, is when I stare in the mirror and actually think to myself while listenin to the silence and think
WoW,
I'm here.
Thats me Again
4 comments:
We're always our own worst critics.
By the way, I lived in Kansas for a long time. I went to KU for a semester, and my family lives in Olathe. Small world.
I find it really intriguing that you acknowledge your attempts at covering yourself in some way by the kinds of clothing you wear, and you can even rattle off how much you spent on each article of clothing. What will you do with this acknowledgement now that you have it?
Honestly i don't think much will change. But i hope i get more comfortable being around people i don't know.
BTW props to Aaron for the colorful pic, nice work man. YOu the shit.
Being comfortable around people you don't know doesn't come from wearing the right clothes--in fact, it has the opposite effect. If you're always striving to keep up with fashion and wear just the right thing, you'll never be happy with yourself because you'll always be wondering if you're fitting in.
Confidence comes from within. Nice clothing can help you feel good about yourself, but if you are self-conscious to begin with, covering up your body with name brands won't really help you out much. You have to surround yourself with people who like/love you for who you are underneath all of that. If they don't appreciate that, then they don't need to be in your life.
She was right. I only dress for "physical" comfort now. Lol
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