Fever

It's just human. We all have the jungle inside of us. We all have wants and needs and desires, strange as they may seem. If you stop to think about it, we're all pretty creative, cooking up all these fantasies. it's like a kind of poetry.
"Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider" Shit this is sooooo true.

Lip Service

But seduction isn’t making someone do what they don’t want to do. Seduction is enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do already.
"Waiter Rant"

The Loud quiet

Ok, lets talk about trust. This blow is severe, a critical hit. This IS me on the ropes after someone I consider close slipped me a mickey, patted me on the back and sent me into an arena with wolves. And it's amazing right now that I'm not panicked or angry.
In posts before I've stated that I was on my way to something horrible in my life, which could be at this moment why I'm so calm.
I share this with the masses mainly because I want to look back on day and this post and admire my calm. I trusted someone and they fucked me. They fucked my reputation, they fucked my finances, and they've fucked me in the head a little more on how I will deal with others in the future. And this is just the beginning. All of my plans for the future at this point will be put on hold unfortunately for now. Haters will take they best shots and gawk at the falling star. Truly if anyone has awaited my downfall, this is your time!! Revel in it!! And all this from someone I trusted. Trust.
On the personal side. At night for the last 10 years all I ask God for in this world is a "peace of mind" and "Strength". Nothing is promised here, and shit happens to good and bad people everyday. I only wanted what could not be taken from me, and that is all I pray for. A man wants to be a better cook, he spends a lot of time in the kitchen, a man wants to be a better fighter, he logs more time in the ring. I want the mental strength and peace of mind to handle the hardships that are set before me, so this is another training session. And this is intense. This is Public. This hurts. This will pass.

This is because I trusted someone when they looked me in the eyes and told me THEIR truth. Ultimately I blame no one but myself. I made decisions and I will pay for them.
I forgive you. I thank you.

"No one has hurt me more than you. And no one ever will."

Got Mouth?

Ok, Ok, if only I could count the many times I should've just Shut the Fuck up. Now that it comes to mind there are a few times when I told a female I loved them (because i did)..........bad move. Then again there are times when I didn't like a girl and told them that...... again not a good move.
Still for the most part I get caught up in embarrassing, even awkward situations just for saying inappropriate shit to women, or even men. I blame most of this on my on going friendship with Gary. I mean me and Gary have no boundaries when it comes to conversation. No topic is taboo. Now in my defense, when you hang out with someone like that and throw those who tend to deal with it in the mix, you become totally submerged in a free spirited environment. And I swam in that shit for over 3 years. So I have sporadic moments of inappropriate outburst over the phone, at a party, in bed, etc, etc. Needless to say sometimes that shit gets me in trouble. Especially with women.
Now for some of these women I get it. Ok your upset, I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry, you don't know me, and I get it that you don't get it Ms. Sensitive. But I expect more tolerance for women who know me. Especially if that's part of what you like about me. I say shit, I don't like boundaries in relationships I have with people. With my closest friends, we should be able to talk about ANYTHING. Cause I don't see what the big deal is. I made a comment about a VERY Close friend's breasts today. And she got mad. What kinda shit is that. If She reads this posts, I'm sure she'll get even more upset. But whatever. I'm sick of that shit.
And I'm tired of you, someone I've known for over 16 years getting mad at me for being me. You KNOW how I get down.
Besides I'm not being mean when I say what I say. I'm just making conversation. And no I'm not saying that people should tolerate and participate. I just don't understand why it has to turn into such a huge problem. Anyway though, here I am. No one to talk to tonite and thru inappropriate comments loosing out on talking to the one person I did have. I suppose I deserve it. "YO POUR A GLASS OF THAT OVER HERE!!" I'm lonely.

DEUCES

Sup yall? Well, for those who care, The OnLyONes CRew is no more. Yup, we fucked it up this morning. And not even enough drama to make a movie over. I'm good though, I mean I had prep time. Knew this was coming. I see alot more change for the future, but I'm gonna put my best foot forward and feel good about it. I can leave Topeka now, but where do I wanna go. Lets see, we have Virginia Beach, VA- Pheonix, AZ, or the ATL, Ga.......hmmm. I really don't know what to do. I hear they head hunting in Arizona though, and that ain't cool. Meanwhile I'm feeling like i need to get my workout on. Don't mind the skinny, but i think I'm getting a lil too soft. Gonna have to work that out.

Oh yeah, I'm single lol. But you would be surprised what some think. Even still...... I'm not sleeping with anyone these days lol (except my hand on occasion). It's a choice. No Shame here, shit is more safe, and no one is pissed off at me at the end of the week. Well it was suppose to work out that way, but I'm still accused of being what I'm not. Oh well I guess.
Man my head hurts by the way. Too much negativity taken in today. Exhausting. Took a stroll back to my younger years, been bumping 90's joints all day. Above the rim soundtrack, The Show, Murder was the case, and New Jersey Drive. Good times man. Now all I need is to end the day with a good jazz track. Maybe some Sam Cooke soul music. I'm kinda winging it.
At the end of the day though, I can't make everyone happy, so I'm gonna focus on me and those who make me happy. LOL, man i know somebody gonna have something to say about that. Anyway Yall be cool. And I hope you'll get a copy of my new cd when it comes out. It was made in a storm of insecurity, paranoia, chaos, and distrust. I just dressed it up and sprinkled arrogance on it. :) Be cool people!!!

Flickr

Greg Enemy at the Granada this past wednesday night.
You LIKE??????
I'm taking photos now thanx to the influence of someone quite close to me. And I love it. While I would love to have some women to shoot, I've yet to find a candidate. Still I know it will take some time to be taken seriously. Other than my equipment, I'm still just a guy taking pictures with a camera. I'm shooting with a Nikon d60 w/ an 18-55mm lens. LOL, i don't know exactly what that means but to those who do, I'm told it's a kick ass camera so fuck it. Anyway my photos can be viewed on flickr. The address is / www.flickr.com/tonyflaco /
I only hope I get the support I've been given in music so much. thank you.

Midnight Snack

You ever wake up in the middle of the night and your brain is just blowing thru information like a rabbit on speed? I have. Most recently as a matter of fact. Because I'm kinda pissed. And I really wanna get my hands on cupid so I can kick his ass. Ya know, I mostly hold back from the things I want to say because although I don't get the kind of traffic I used to on this blog. I know people are still stopping by every once and awhile and I guess I care more than I let on about hurting peoples feelings, or pissing someone off. Better yet I'll go about this in a round about way.

I don't understand women. I know people okay, but I don't understand women. Especially in relation to me. I've stated this before and I'll state it again. If you happen to find yourself actually falling for my skinny ass, I will most likely be clueless. You have to tell me at some point. With that said I don't want to know when it's too late! I've had more than my share of women after they get married or are in an exclusive relationship tell me how much of a crush or attraction they had for me when they were single. See usually I have, or at some point will hit on my friends. When I meet a woman I really just wanna kickit. I really just wanna make a friend. But I sleep with my friends if I'm really into them (though at a time in my life I did even if i wasn't)..... had the opportunity presented itself. I've been single so long what am I suppose to do? Don't answer that question.
Further more, contrary to popular belief, I'm not a dog. I don't just sleep around with random women. And I'm quite capable of handling long term relationships, though they have mostly fell on my terms as of late.
I was in a loving relationship for more than 3 years in my early twenties so I know what love is.
I loved her like I love my sister. I loved her like I love my mother. She did wrong and I forgave her. She cheated on me and I forgave her. She broke my heart then crushed it over and over with the heels of her boots...... and I forgave her. We didn't stay together and at times I hated her, but I forgave her. We hardly speak now and I don't much care if I ever see her again in life. But I have forgiving her. What I learned is that she did not love me. And when you love someone forgiving is infinite. After her the bar was risen. No one ever loved her like I did and no one ever will. And still that isn't me saying no one will love her again.
Back to my point. Love is not that difficult. I know people who have loved each other there entire lives. It's not easy dealing with most anyone over the years but that type of glue keeps you together thru all kinds of shit. IT'S THE BOND THAT ISN'T DIFFICULT. The power of it, that makes people do stupid shit and turn their nose to the world for that glory of love. I'll pass judgement because I've been loved as I have loved, but I didn't play games with it. I kept it very clear where my feeling were because what goes around comes around.

This Lemon cake is good. And I don't even really like lemons.
This milk gives me gas, but I'll drink it anyway.
......Like a moth to a flame. Funny. I'm not good with women, but I still put myself thru the trails that come with them.
And something tells me this is normal. But I'm ranting again, I really think this is turning into a rant that will eventually spiral into nothing of coherency -so-I-will-stop-now.

Surely someone knows what the hell I'm talking about.
I'm going back to bed.
be cool

Look into my eyes. Or just read the following.

Ok........So I"m 30 now...................WoW.

Come so far. And still I have so far to go............I can't help but wonder what's next.

I don't think I've peaked yet.

Na......I'm definitely still on the climb.

I know someone is gonna have something to say about it but.......I can't believe I'm still Single.

And I still wonder if I always will be.

I wonder.

Feeling Collage (A Novelty)

No one will understand this.

The Speed Of Sound plays in my background. I Run my fingers through my head as if it is a new beginning and wish for another moment to drown out the voices in my head. How did it all begin, I want to understand. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Inhale this world. Smile.
I don't want to puzzle the pieces of the unfortunate. I just want to leave them where they lay and Move The FUCK ON. Appreciate My artistry. My passion. My moment here in this beautiful, chaotic world. Massage my shoulders. Everyday.
She will understand, she will understand, she will understand. I need someone to lean on. Still I will press on alone, because I am strong. Do you, see thru me. Do you, pay attention. Do you care. RHETORIC. I've changed, I SMile. Smile.

Do I love writing? Or do I love to hear myself talk?
Who am I now? Am I a total stranger to the child i once witnessed in the mirror? There you are! I see you when I smile!
And I smile. I'll always be waiting for you. Truly I will. You warm my heart with Tears. I love you so much. So Very much.
They won't understand and I will be oblivious because they do not matter in these moments cherished.
Cherished.
Speak slow and maybe it will last a bit longer. Speak true and it will last forever, and ever.
The stars shine for you. Tis your turn. lol, Revel in the moment.
Still there??
SMiLe. Smile for me.
Thank you.

DAMn......

I know now that I need to leave this place. I'm not from here and it's draining me. I worry about my path in life if I continue it in the state of Kansas. I'd almost forgotten how weird this place is since I first got here. I think I've been engulfed in it. I've manage in my daily affairs to loose more friends early in the year. It has become customary for me to loose friends here.....lol, maybe it's just me. Really I think this place is just draining me. I'm getting really sick of women especially as of late. "AND NO I'M NOT GAY, NOR TO I INTEND TO BE". I just can't stand the stupid shit they do. The mood swings, the shallowness, and at times just down right mean, and thoughtless, self centered types of attitudes. And I didn't come to this conclusion just because some woman broke my heart. I run into alot of women doing shows, going to the club, as well as other social gatherings...... or again maybe it's just me, though i doubt that. I could go on for days on that subject.

I really think it's just the people here though, and at this point I feel I've worn out my welcome here. This is not my home, I'm gonna stop telling my self it is. I've really sat and thought this out though, I need change. I need to get away from here. It's just not realistic to up and move at this point with the way things are going in this economy. How does one leave a life as materially blessed as mine to start all over again in a new town? I'm open for suggestions because I would very much like to make this happen.
My heart is broken though. I've lost faith in the people around me as well this place I'm forced to call my habitat. I'm ready to make it all a chapter in my life that i leave behind.

be cool yall.

ps. I know I'm down now sorry about that yo, but stick around. I'll smile again.

For the Love

 

Everyone Has That Favorite Artist. For me, no one came closer than Tupac Shakur. When I first saw him in Juice I was like "Fuck Bishop" lol, and "Brenda's gotta baby" was just too depressing for me as a 12 year old. I moved to Kansas in 1994 and got into ordering music thru BMG music group. "STRICKLY FOR MY NIGGAZ" was like an awakening for me. If you haven't heard this album I suggest you get it. The rest is history and now my favorite artist is an icon and loved by all, and what was once a at time exclusive preference, it is now so clique to say you love 2pac.

I miss him daily, and often at times put myself thru the possibilities of what would be now if he where still alive. Still I understand that his premature death has fulfilled a legacy that he often wished for himself.

This Month I'll be 30. THIRTY!! WoW!! Ya know?
Funny how these things happen. Oh and not surprisingly I rap. I mean who doesn't rap. LOL, no but I really rap, like I sound good, I'm GOOD at this. But music has changed so much and I'm feeling like a relic of a time lost though everyone tells me how dope I am, the hustle of it all just isn't what I thought it would be. THE MARKET IS FLOODED. It's cool though be cause I have a new favorite artist now, a new exclusive preference. ME! Adullessence. And he is dope. You don't believe me?!
www.myspace.com/lessence
check it out, and tell me I'm not gonna be alright.
I love writing, and I'm gonna take this shit to my grave, may God bless you, as he has blessed me.
Word up.

She's Mine

 

So anyway I was chilling wit this Very Attractive female the other day. And I couldn't help but mentioning a topic that happen to be on my mind. Now I won't front, I've had my share of pretty women from time to time, but usually when you step to these women they've heard so much shit since they were twelve it's like they're always on "protected by viper, stand back" mode. Fellas know what I'm talking about.

Anyway I said the right things this time and opened her up to the kind of conversation I tend to enjoy. Topic of the day? "Isn't it funny how men can see you in the same light that they see a car, new kicks, even jewelry?" A (Status Quo) I'm sure it's nothing new, but most of the time women are seen as objects to be obtained. Like nice clothing, nice cars, Money. You get the picture. I've seldom met a woman who looked at men in that fashion. Not to say that as a whole they don't. Even I've found myself dealing with women who were no good simply to get off on being seen with them in public. It's shallow, but it happens. It's funny what you put up with from someone who's easy on the eyes, lol.
(side note) it's been said,
"A woman's life is love, a man's love is life."

I'm getting older though. And in my age I've come to take more notice of qualities that physical appearance can't hold up to. Quailities like character, ambition, work ethic, and my favorite....social skills. Some women get by on looks so much, it's the only quality they have. Don't get my wrong though people, it's always fun to sleep with really pretty women, but as time has went by a priority I've always known takes president. In the end we are all just looking for a best friend that we can kick it with and fuck, lol. Good Times.

yall be cool.

The Comedian

 

Thank you Bernie Mac.
For making me laugh since I was like 12 years old. I just wanted to take the time on this day of your death to appreciate you as I'm sure we all have, for giving us joy in our lives. 50 years is not an idea length of time most of us want here. Still, I'd like to take the time to celebrate your 50 years, because I just know you enjoyed them. God bless you brother. And God bless your family. Because at the end of the day, we all adored you for how much you reminded us of ourselves, and our families. God bless.

The Paradox

 

My ambition.

Production? Check. Lyrics? Check. Resources, associates, fans? Check.............I'm good?
Would you all like to know the paradox of my life?
I've almost always been able to accomplish my goals. Yet with every success and hurdle leaped, I loose out on those in my personal life. Some thru neglect on my part, and others I have no fucking idea. But I'm doing good right. Lately I've been trying to figure out why I can't leave more of an impression in peoples lives, especially those I've considered quite close to me. LOL, I've realized recently that most women actually use ME. Either for sex or conversation. I know that my previous post confused alot of people, I apologize. Sometimes the future frightens me and I needed to vent. The storm I spoke of has arrived and I intend to weather it, because that's what I do. LOL, I've been praying for a wife lately. I guess I'm growing up or something. To those who know me this would be surprising, I was never one for such talk just a few years ago. Funny how change comes. I have all I've ever really wanted except someone to share it all with, and someone who will be if it all blows away. But people blow away too, and I know people come and go. I just need ONE who will stick around, and who I want around for that matter. Thus far that as been asking too much of life. I want my swag back though. Part of me still doesn't wanna give a fuck and have poeple hate me for it. I felt stronger then. Just maybe I can have someone that I can be against the world with for a change. I do my victory dances alone at the moment. Damn I'm still ranting. Anyway, NO I'm not doing good, and YES I'm doing better than ever. I'm not ungrateful. I just had people around me who didn't really give a fuck about me, and people wonder why I'm such a hard ass, you need thick skin for this shit. I'm gonna rant and vent until my frustration passes.
Because I haven't forgotten that I write this blog mostly for me and I shall continue to. So for those who are still reading, stick around. As I've said before, I'll smile again. Be cool yall. Pray for a Man.

Bleeding Hope "The Rant"

 


Success is all around me. My home, my cars, certain love interests, money and friends.
Not to mention the music. The music which has taken me so long so get heard by those who would listen, and get me away from this simple happy life.
I left the studio yesterday and heard what is to come with a jubilation I've never known before hearing my own voice to songs I wrote that take on a life of thier own. I'm reaching the summit of a climb that has taken so long and I thank God and Jesus that from this high position I've been placed upon, I can watch the dawn.
Still....something wicked this way comes. A new calling that has frieghtened me I must admit. Unknownling I've chosen a path that cannot be retraced so I must pray for strength. In this life what else is there to do?

Did I mention I hate chain letters.

Damn I feel so abandoned and my faith in my fellow kind is fleeting with the days. Not saying I'm much better. We all seem so selfish. Why so insightful Anthony, why? Sometimes I wish I was ignorant, happy with what is put before me, and believed in Santa Claus. So tired, so confused, so focused, and so hopless. I just wanna be ready to die. Not meaning that I want to or that I don't. I just don't wanna give a fuck. My favorite word is Serenity.
I need that. I'm cold. My heart is broken and my health fades with my lack of optimism. I don't want advice, I just want it to go away. Or maybe I just need help.
Holla.

Sentimental Sometimes

Later in life I'm sure this post my come back to bite me in the ass.
But.... Ever since my bike accident I've been quite weak when watching movies that inspire emotional feedback. In other words if there is a bad, sad, or good ending of great emotion where I used to point and laugh or talk shit. Now I just sit there like a bitch while emotion takes over me as I suppress the urge to smile or frown while simultaneously hold back tears from eyes that always seem to water up.
Sad isn't it?

Todays culprit. The movie Cast Away. Ya know the part when they meet again and your thinking, "Damn she thought he was dead and now he's here, but she married the dentist, and he fucked, and they got kids. Damn and he only made it thru all that shit to be with her." Fucked me up man.
Some of the man is still in me. Like the little voice that wanted to shout at the tv, "Yo man fuck that dude up. He took ya woman. Fuck how long you've been gone she should have waited forever, fuck him up." And the urge to root for really fucked up shit to happen like seeing her hop in the ride with him and just dip out towards the very end with no regard for husband and child left behind.
Funny how we watch movies sometimes hoping for a different outcome.

Probably just should have cried about all the stuff that happen to me that day of the accident and got it out the way. I held back though. Maybe I still am?

Yall be cool.

Shitty Set Backs, but it's looking up.

New MIxTape out. "Love Potion #9" Checkit out on my myspace it you haven't already. The entire download info is on my man LoveJOnes site.

Hmmm, anyway I've lost some friends which is typical though I'm not loosing any sleep over it. Still single by choice and nothing monumental has changed other than I've been writing songs like crazy. I don't know where it's coming from but it's good. Unfortunately if you let some tell it (especially women) I'm still an asshole. Some girl told me I was needy which I thought was hilarious, got dissed again by an old nemesis (another girl), and meanwhile dealing with the ones still in my life who are trying to control me for the most part.

Lately, I've grown really sick of the games people play. I don't like how I'll say one thing, and after that it's being decoded like theres something deeper. Meanwhile i'm getting all these coded messages that i'm suppose to figure out. I mean what I mean what I say, and say what I mean.

And for the record I don't play games with women, I don't lie to them, I'm not a player, I don't think I'm better than anyone because of what I have, and I don't throw my success in anyones face. I am proud of myself and I speak on that from time to time, because I used to be broke as fuck. I've been thru shit that ain't easy to climb. And I had people holding me back while I was getting where I wanted to be. LOL, but i'm good..... today anyway.

This feels kinda like a rerun I know. I've gone over this before I know, but I'm still defending myself and the public view of me. Could be because of my attitude towards things I don't know. Anyway not that that's over wit and I have another computer it's time for me to get back to business on here. No pics as of yet but they will be coming soon. 08's gonna be a good year. Oh and we're doing a show at bullfrogs live this 26th the day after christmas.

I gotta get going so I'll holla. Yall be cool.

P.S. Thank nikki for this wack ass post. I don't know why I let her get into my head.

R U Still Down?

Okay this was not easy. I've been granted access to my account once again and so much has transpired since my last post so many months ago. Seems like a year to me. My computer is still messed up so I can't go about in my normal fashion which is very disappointing so the nintendo Wii is earning it's keep right now. Oh yeah thanks, and sorry to those of you who have weathered my vocal rants, I didn't have an outlet so I had to use you...think of it in a good way. Real posts will be on the way so haters mount up and lets get this show on the road shall we?

It's good to be back.

My Two Cents....

Today I went to church and a message was delivered to me that I don't think I can ignore. "Have you let your talents be used in God's work?" I've used this page in the past to "show my ass" for the most part, and have been good at it mind you. But as of now focus has changed, with a slight twist of course cause I'm twisted.

For those of you about "points" the point of my page initially was to show change. I like to analyze and I especially like to analyze myself. Looking back on old posts I've written on here I've been able to look at myself from the 3rd person. Because I wanted to see what it was about me that made some people adore me, while others despised me. I've found that at times I'm quite vulnerable, while at other times just full of myself (I like those times by the way). But other times I really have something to say and while I don't get the comments I like when I deal into the fundamentals of life, I do like the phone calls and thank yous for posts like "Jesus was a man people".

I intend to write alot more posts like that because I think I have something to say when it comes to religion as a whole. And I believe I should use my talents to glorify God being that he's done so much for me. But I'm still me so there will be a twist, just so long as I can still sleep at night. Incase some of you didn't know I haven't worked for like 3 monts now. Thru true friends and Jesus I still have EVERYTHING. And it's good. Now...."the letters", I really thought people would see the big picture but I over estimated the intellect and maturity of some of the poeple who read my posts, I apologize. While being stuck on myself I forgot that they too contribute to why people come here and read what it is I have to say, and I apologize.
So with out condemming myself to hell and taking a few others with me I intend to write posts on bible related scriptures and still of course give my opinion, some example i've seen in life etc, etc, and just take if from there. I've been scanning thru it quite a bit lately and incase ya didn't know it has a ton of life drama in it from love stories to back stabbers, gossip and what have you. So I hope I gain support in this indeavor and that you pray for me to get the right messages across. And I hope that can be as special to each of you as you are to me......even the haters.


P.S. Don't think for a minute i'm gonna try to be on here preaching to people, that aint my bag.
but I am gonna have plenty to talk about.

Yall be cool. 

Sleeping with the enemy.

/Anthony

FOR THE SECOND TIME i DIDNT TELL BRYSON TO CALL YOU.
I ASKED HIM AND HE SAID HE DIDN'T CALL YOU. I DON'T APPRECIATE YOU RUNNING
TO SHAUNEL'LE WITH ALL YOUR QUESTIONS ABOUT ME OR COMMENTS
YOU WANT TO TELL HER ABOUT ME EITHER.
EVERY TIME I TALK TO YOU PROBLEMS GET CAUSED SO I GUESS
THIS IS GOING TO HAVE TO BE A "HI AND BYE" RELATIONSHIP.

BYE !!
~ /
She was cheating on me.....with that guy.

My fault, I was trying to make a broken relationship work. I used to do that all the time. I gave women so much power over me. Captured by beauty and lust (i think anyway). I always fell in love. Probably why I have such a low tolerance for women I talk to now, though I'm getting better, nobodies perfect right. I"ve been cheated on by atleast two women that I know of anyway. Each time I saw it coming, but I didn't want to believe that my sweet precious love would do such a thing. Looking back, it was disgusting. In truth as my buddy Love Jones put it though, '2 girls hurt my feeling and I know it's not your fault...........but it aint mines.

Holla.