SHUT UP! S.T.F.U.!!

1. UniqueBlogs:  when ppl say  things about the government that makes no sense i want to tell them to stfu

2. me:  When people talk during moves too much i wanna tell them to stfu

3.  UniqueBlogs:  when ppl say stupid hypotheticals  i want to tell them to stfu lol

4. me:  When people ask me for help then try to tell me how to do it, I want to tell them to stfu

5. UniqueBlogs:  when ppl ask me for advice and then argue about the advice i'm giving i want to tell them to  stfu

6. me:  when i am debating with someone and they will not let me get a word in, I want to tell them to stfu

7. UniqueBlogs:  when I'm debating w/ someone and they take general statements personal I want to tell them to stfu lol

8. me:  When people I can't stand are just "talkin" to anyone, I want to tell them to stfu
 
9.  UniqueBlogs:  when ppl start talking about how they know "famous" people I want to tell them o stfu

10. when ppl start talking that Illuminati shizz i want to tell them to stfu

11. me:  When someone offers a person meat and they say "no I don't eat meat, I'm a vegetarian", I want to tell them to stfu

12. UniqueBlogs:  when holier than thou ppl won't go to dinner w/ their friends because a few of them might have a drink I want
to tell them to stfu

13.  me:  Speaking of which, when people tell me I need Jesus, I wanna tell them to stfu ( UniqueBlogs:  well, most times if it
is stated like that it's usually a joke || me:  these are people I don't know lol)

14.  me:  When people see me reading a book and in public and still try to talk to me, I wanna tell them to stfu

15. me:  Pathological liars.  STFU/ Nigga you wasn't there!!

16.  UniqueBlogs:  when ppl start talking in nigga language i want to tell them to stfu

17. me:  People who like to talk with food in they mouth make me wanna tell them to stfu

18. When someone tells me to stfu, I wanna tell them "NO, you stfu!"

19. People who always gotta be right about everything make me wanna tell them to stfu.

20.  UniqueBlogs:  ppl who always tell their personal business on social networking make me want to tell them to stfu

21.  me: People who excessively complain need to stfu

22. UniqueBlogs:  ppl bragging about how great their relationship is when they've only been dating a month need to stfu

23. me:  LOL, I wanna tell fine ass women to stfu.

24. UniqueBlogs:  hahaha. i wanna tell ppl who think their fine to stfu

25. me:  Jealous niggaz need to stfu

26. Broke Old men living with they moms need to stfu

27. UniqueBlogs:  men/wmn talking about how they love their kids but that's the last thing on their mind when payday comes
need to stfu

28.  me:  Men/women who don't have time for they kids need to stfu

29. me:  Bad ass kids need to stfu

30. UniqueBlogs:  ppl who claim their kids aren't bad need to stfu

31 .me:  People who talk too loud in restaurants make me wanna tell them to stfu

32. me:  This dude I know told us how he still showers with his 12 year old son..... we told him to stfu

33. UniqueBlogs:  when ppl use cliches on me when Im having a bad day i want to tell them to stfu

34. every time someone give me advice I just want to tell them to stfu!

35. when people don't need to be saying anything to me PERIOD i want to tell them to stfu


**this was a very candid conversation that was documented. Intended to be hurtful/harmful to anyone who needs to STFU**

So Sensitive

Niggaz is so sensitive these days man.

I say things to women I'm cool with and I must say, "thank you ladies, you deal with a lot" especially from my ass, but these niggaz you be around are so damn sensitive.
I mean MY GOd, why do these niggaz fly off the handle about WHAtever?!
I told a female I had sex with that I was in love with someone else, and she would most likely never be that person. She was cool about it. I say foul shit to women I don't even fuck with like that and they either move one or get over it. I mean being str8 with women is so easy because it's the honesty they seem to respect. EVen brutal honesty. I have dozens of examples I could put on here from my twenties when I was on some other shit most of the time.

Point is, these women out here got thicker skin than most of these niggaz. Aw man these NIGGaz get mad over the dumbest shit.
Niggaz get mad over stepping on shoes, gossip, who played lead in a movie, because I looked at you. REALLY NIggah? BECAUSE I LOOKED AT YOU??
Nigga I thought you was my cousin. You know we all look alike.
The alpha male syndrome or sense to prove "something" is running rampant in black males. I'm really just too cool for that shit because I get mines without it. I'm not even sure what niggaz get out of it these days. Yall niggaz missing out though, because we could be breaking bread instead of going back and forth on some dumb shit.

Niggaz don't get over it either. I talk to women a lot about the niggaz they fuck with. And these cats so caught up in they EMOTIONS they do some wild shit.
One of my home girls was taking a girl friend of hers out to a club in KU/lawrence. So before they set out, her girlfriend gets in a argument with this dude she dating and he tells her "you better not go anywhere tonite.", over the phone. She heads out anyway and while on the highway en route, who pulls up? This nigga. And homeboy proceeds to swerve at these two women driving in a mid 90's ford escort and runs them off the road. Blocks them off on the side of the highway, grabs her girlfriend out the car and drags her to his car, shoves her in passenger seat, then pulls off.
I guess she was going back home. Haha
Really?
I hear more stories about niggaz crying, lying, playing games, beating they women, fighting niggaz over women who don't want them in the first place, and other RANDOM, petty shit.
What the hell is going on?

In closing.
I'm glad I am not an overly sensitive man. I don't wanna live a life where everything someone says about me or anyone else has me flying off the deep end. I'm glad I'm not out shooting at someone or being shot at because I got in an altercation that had to be handled because I spilled my drink in a packed club, Or because someone whispers some bullshit in my ear. I got money to get, places to go, and women to meet. I'm good.

Maybe homey ain't good. Maybe he dealing with a lot of other shit that I don't know about.

Or maybe he's just a bitch.

Chill. I'm just keeping it Real.

On Notice.

I may becoming to a close on this blog. I can't really be sure.
Apparently most of my writing super powers have been spent. Also, to be quite honest, I was so much better at this when I was an egotistical asshole...... oh well.
My arrogance and selfishness were actually a creative drive that I still to this day think I needed at the time. My "attitude" really help me take it where I wanted it to be mostly because I abandoned all self consciousness. And until I get that back or simply adapt to whoever this is I am now. I really can't say where this is going. Besides I don't like being so..... so..... speechless at times, and self analytical. Unless those who still do read actually wanna hear about a man who is approaching middle age in the next few years.

So.
What have we learned in the last 6 years? What remains a constant?
The closest people fuck you and console you. I have not abandoned my "self reliance", and still I quest for someone who will spark my faith in my fellow mankind.
I am sooo tired of living his life alone. True I was married, but she was not with me, and that is the only reason we are apart. I was basically sleeping with the enemy. All the judging and putting me down on a daily basis may very well have drained me creatively now that i think about it.

And all of a sudden, I get this feeling I have had before. Like nothing I say even matters. Just words in the wind. I feel that way in court, I feel that way in discussions, and in dealings of the heart overall. What is the point? Words in the wind.
I've withdrawn to this place where I totally shelter myself now. So I work a lot to pay people what I owe and to keep a roof over my head so I can continue to shy from the public eye. A collapse within. I still hold faith that this is just a phase and I will be back.

I can't even sit down and write a song anymore.
Like the guy in all my previous work is someone else entirely.

Yeah I get depressed sometimes too. I think that is mostly because I miss my friends. I mean anyone I really give a damn about is not in Kansas, and I'm trapped here. Just so we are clear, I get depressed, I don't have Low self esteem, I don't suffer from depression on a continuous basis. I just get depressed sometimes, because I am dealing with situations and none of the people involved seem to give a damn about me.

I don't wanna walk alone anymore. Tired of doing this on my own. But I will lie in the bed I made, before I lay with a love I loathe again.

So here we go........I must proceed...... BaBy StEpS.

Driftwood

I'm just floating right now man.
8 track press play shit. No real direction, just coasting in the mainstream.

Ya know. I made a lot of bad decisions the last four years. I think I am just gonna hit cruise on this next one and chill the fuck out.

So anyway.
I'm good, the foods good, those women over there are pretty, and I like this car. I don't want no trouble from you all man, I'm just chilling. I wanna take you out some time sista, and I don't care if you fucking or not. I just love a woman's conversation.
I miss My niggaz, my peoples, my peeps, my click, my Cool De Las.
Miss breaking bread like Jesus did with my disciples, but they on they journeys and I am happy for them. I close my eyes and I open them. I love the way the sunshine and illuminates my room in the morning. And in my solitude I smile. I am at peace with myself.

Ya know I stopped writing for awhile because I just felt like I was loosing it. I can't be getting on here the few times I do and just talk about my problems. We all got problems right? Still, I gotta keep going at this to get my swag back. Because I love me! And I love what we do! And it is time to get back to business as usual. Damnit!!
I'm taking my arrogance back man, because I just spent most of the last 2 years around some fake ass people and one in particular who didn't even like the awesome muthafucka that I am.

2am.
Wide awake with words.
Writing as natural as I breathe, drunk or sober.
My heart is at home in these sweetest of moments. My hands love the stroke of the keys, because creating is so much better than sex most times. Laying out the blueprints of the human mind and experience to be looked upon when these eyes have aged beyond their youth. I wonder now what the old man will make of it.
I bet he will say that it was all so complicated to the point that we made such a fuss over simple decisions. Because a decision can last you a lifetime.
I told my son that once, over and over again. :)

And sometimes I wanna be somebody else. And sometimes I wanna just die.............. but I'm alive. And life is about feeling like that sometimes. Because sometimes we fall, we crack, we break, we cry, and we shy from the sun.

In those moments i never forget that we also have fun, have conversation, have awesome sex, see good movies, good art, make new friends, new experiences, and tomorrow can be just as full of wonderful possibilities as yesterdays bad.

And once again, we lie in the sun.

I'm smiling.

Strickly 4 my Niggaz

I've changed, haha. Yall niggaz kill me...... I've changed.
It's not that I've changed, but it's funny how all yall rearranged, when I found game.

This is a rant.

I told you I loved you. In my heart I know it is truth. What kind of love that is I don't really know, but the years have passed and it remains constant in one fashion or another. And then I told you (again you could say) after ten years, still this changes nothing. I don't expect you to come running to me and accept me in your life as a partner. That's not even what I want.

I'm on hold..... she said she'll get back with me. You do that baby girl.

The homie. We came up together thru high school. I always held ya down, looked out, no secretes you know? Brother from another mother type shit. We was Cooley High till you got that twinkle in ya eye over the love of your life (I guess).
Question?
Why do cool ass niggaz turn into bitches over love?
I must be missing something. Probably why I'm once again traveling my road alone. Well I can live with that.

And still I tell myself, "Self? When are we gonna get back to business as usual?"
"When do we get back to writing about all the things that tickle our funny bone and talk shit on people again?"
I wanna do 2006 again without the motorcycle accident. I just gotta lick these wounds and clean out a closet first, so bear with me people while I vent.

In truth I'm getting sick of people, because everybody is playing the game. I know a woman who has played the game so long she don't even realize she's always in the game. And she goes so hard that she can't even see why she still single.

Me? Yes I'm single, not because I play games, but because I'm honest. Especially with my self and whoever I'm dealing with. Which is why my divorce is on some grown up shit, we're not fighting over "stuff" and bickering about bullshit. And in single life I keep it real.
I like you. I wanna get to know you, I wanna fuck you. I wanna be your friend. I love you. I don't want a girlfriend. I don't want to marry you. I don't want a girlfriend. I'll be there, I won't be there, Good luck with him. Good luck with me. Runaway!

Tony does not throw empty words around. The women I am into like that KNOW where they stand, and know where I stand. And at the end of the day love has nothing to do with it. I gotta be happy about me and where I'm at first. I suggest you do the same. I don't have to plot scheme and double team someone for their affection and more than anything I think my biggest irk is not being taking seriously for my word. Or being called a liar.
I really just want people to be as real with me as I am with them. And thank God some of you are. So just be real with me and don't hold back. Hell hurt me if you can. I love all avenues of emotion, gives me something to write about, a story to tell in my old age even. Besides, we all know how true emotion and intentions bleed right thru the poker face of most people.

The book is open. The blog has spoken.

be cool

High Society?

The Good, The bad, The ugly.

I am just getting home from a wedding reception of a good friend and/or associate of mine who by topeka standards is for lack of better words a "rich man".

I truly must admit that in the midst of car salesman, business owners, lawyers, and insurance agents, (most of whom I met are self employed and quite successful) I do not recommend being amongst these individuals if your self image is already tainted. The high notes of my evening were time spent with peers and good friend of whom I have already come to know due to certain company I keep in daily life. As well as being introduce to the owner and invited to a club usually reserved for business men, that I do intend to join (Mainly due to the level of food and service I am told they provide). But let me do this right, because I do not intend to just transcribe the night.

There were awkward moments that made my mind travel, and that all together I did not like. Like being brushed of by the bride and hearing a very rich lawyers wife refer to me as "E.T." Haha, which oddly enough I found amusing. Russ Briggs, though probably intoxicated ruined my name after being introduced to me, but overall I enjoyed the conversations I had and took in the information as a sponge would water.

There was a time I took much to many things to heart, so I enjoy now how my 32 year old mind works in the mist of those I would consider less than decent people. Meaning that if I do not respect you or your conduct as a human being, I don't much respect your opinion on much else. Not that I can confirm many at this event, if I had to I could name a few. And while I do not know if their attitude is due to money or my race, though I would lean more toward money, which made me think of my conduct towards those who are less fortunate than myself. I know and believe more money will come into my possession in the future, I do not want to loose the empathy and brotherhood I hold with all the people I meet and have met in life.

And with that said there were indeed some good people and good conversation in which I was honored to engage in tonight and I very much hope to again. I enjoy listening to people as much as I enjoy running my mouth when I have the chance. And I have always looked fondly on the opportunity that lies within each and everyday of this life we live.

Punch Drunk Love Driver cont.......

A moment I wish to Remember.

Punch Drunk Love Driver

I am a car junky.
Here is my track record.
I've driven everything from a Mini Cooper to a Platinum Edition Cadillac Escalade.
In the last 10 years I have owned over 20 cars at least.
1 Dodge, 4 Mercedes, 1 Infiniti, 2 Audis, 1 Corvette, 2 Cadillacs, 2 Acuras, 5 BMWs, 2 Lexus, 2 Toyotas, 1 Mini, 1 Jaguar, 2 Fords, 1 Isuzu,
and while I'm sure I've left something out.... Finally my
1980 Porsche 911SC.

I always wanted a porsche as a child. Life is interesting, the same image of a car that mocked me in movies, hot wheel toys, and posters on my wall now sits comfortably in the garage outside silently waiting for another go. I searched for this vehicle for 6 months once I knew the moment of financial opportunity was near. Having driven so many cars now I'd actually become numb toward buying another after a while, like a junky who looses his high with each hit. Yet once again I sat up at night waiting for when the transport would tell me they had arrived from the southern Californian location I found it in headed east to Kansas.

I even had my son video tape the moment we met. And I watch that video anytime I think of getting rid of it. Still I tend to get bored with cars. I've traded thru another 4 cars since I purchased my Porsche last august. My latest daily is a Audi A8L which I enjoy quite well for the time being. That porsche is another story, the thing is just hard to get rid of. Nothing makes me feel better than driving my 911, like just when I'm about to get rid of it, I fall in love all over again.
Kinda gay huh? LOL
Flip Side.
I gotta point out that this thing blows no A/C in the summer, damn near no heat in the winter, rides rough, and lack a few other creature comforts. Yet and still has proven to be a keeper.

Can't help but feel like wondering "what the hell am I doing right now?". Am I writing a post about a car?
I was feeling this post a minute ago, now it's kinda tapered off haha. Really though, I love the car, it's manage to stay with me and be apart of some good moments in my life like when I proposed to me ex-wife. Anyway, blah, blah, blah, blah,
and good nite.

GIANT

"Your WEAK and your a COWARD."
That's what she said to me.

Let's proceed.

Comments like these just don''t phase me at this moment, in this life. I know my story, I know what I've been thru. And I KNOW where you was while I was doing it. So someone who has known me for now more than half my life decided to put me down in that manner because of a personal beef you have with me that you cannot let go. When we was teenagers you did your dirt. Even PHil said that in more than a few ways your getting what you dealt out back then. Anyone who reads this blog, knows my story. My teenage years were hell, and I learned to thank God for every moment of it because all i had to be great full for just getting thru it. Parents divorced, getting robbed (numerous times), treated like shit, being homeless, no electricity (when i had a home), hungry, and all the other shit that comes with living under the poverty line. WEAK?! A Coward?! I hated excuses as a child. I didn't have anyone telling me to go to school, I told me to go to school. Yall niggaz had homework after school, I HAD to go to work after school. I mean the shit was not an option. And still I can't front, it was my friends who looked out for me in ways my "family" couldn't and/or wouldn't. And you was one of those people. You know my story. And you can sit on the line and say shit like that to me? Talk to me in ways I never would to you. What you interpret as my weakness is actually my love for you, because I don't let people talk to me like that. And just maybe you decided to come at me like that because you know you can. Maybe I'm really weak because of the niggaz YOU been fucking with. These cats aren't treating you like you got treated in high school and now your game is upside down. Because you WAS a starter back in the day, not now.

Hold up, lol. I'm moving in the wrong direction right now. See this blog is about ME. I took time to analyze the quote at the head of this blog, and really I don't see it.
By most standards I'm successful. Let it be judged by my money and my assets, Or just my shear WILL to persevere. I have worked hard to be where I'm at and live as I do. So I really don't need anyones judgement to justify my cause. My testament is my justification. What's yours?? See when things get bad for me, there is no mommy and daddy to run to. I took care of me long before you even knew what that meant because my back was against the fucking Wall. I am too damn proud of myself when I look back on this crazy ass life I have lived. And I am truly thankful for it, because I have a story to tell. And it is a good one.

Now here is my quote.
"I grew up a long time before you. My track record says I don't let people get the best of me and dictate how I intend to live my life. And you already have............. playa."

Peace yall.

Beyond the Eye of the Storm

I was never good at relationships. I could never take the intimacy. I know it brought her so much pain. While trying to relate to me. Every year that pasts in our lives adds up to a looooong time. And I may very well have spent so much time on my own, that I have come to find that it is very difficult for me to deal with a Full Time person in my life. I do not yet know. What I do know is that it can be very frustrating trying to fix something and finding that you have only ruined it even more than it was to begin with. So I watch my marriage fall apart like a jenga puzzle. So much time, so many planned moves, and yet and still it all falls down.
And with it my passions, my creativity, my voice, my spirit.

And now in this solitude I once again find myself. Yet it is a person so familiar that the reunion is bittersweet. So people ask, "how do you feel", and they say that they are sorry. I myself have fallen so many times I find my self eager to jump back up and finish a life someone else started. It was mutual. We realized we just weren't right for each other and we didn't want the wrongs to progress to "I hate you". Surely they can understand that.

MAYBE, I will be cast as the Villain, the "Bad guy", so heartless.
I was bad before. And as she showed me in the beginning how things could be, she showed me in the end how things should be. We are civil, and our differences have been put aside to make this trying time as easy as it possibly can be. And I have already said to much about what is personal to me.

I am single again....... damn.

I walk alone.

the moment

I was going thru my blog the other day and was realizing it's really crazy how it all "worked out".
As I put it all together, it's been one hell of a story ya know.
I mean it's almost crazy how you can feel like you've been standing in one place the whole time only to find you've actually travelled so far from where you were.
Anyway, some where along my travels I feel like I dropped something. Misplaced even. I mean, I used to get on here and show my ass. Knowing full well that anyone would stumble upon my statements and feel a certain way about it or even me. I was almost moving into a realm of narcissism, not even giving a fuck what anyone thought anyway.
And I liked it.
Any reaction was a good one during my mid twenties. All I wanted was feedback, like as long as no one turned the mic off I was ready and willing to continue running my mouth to the masses. (lol or any small crowd who would listen.)
I look back on my posts as a testament to my time, my thoughts, and my aspirations. As well as my sadness, my hate, and my despair. I knocked my inner walls down and let the light shine on my soul........ maybe that was too deep. You get the point.

If you think about it time doesn't fly, it just moves constant. Like we all do I try my best to capture moments that have already passed after the last word is written or picture taken.
Still I can appreciate how the experience of livings molds us to be who we are. Even so, I gotta say that I really miss not giving a fuck. And I wanna bring that back. I think I need that. Hell, to some extent I think we all do ya know. There is a freedom in it. Maybe I'm rambling, I really don't know. I'm gonna start reaching for that glow again, that power, because I need my arrogance as well as my fear. Besides the future is one of those thing you never know about. Best thing you can do is hold your head up, and put one foot in front of the other.......
You feel me?

The Caesar has No Father, and No Son.

When I was a child I sought the love and companion ship of my father daily. To me he was someone to look up to and value if not emulate. My birth was planned, my parents were married, and for the first 15 years of my life he was there. Yet in so many ways he was not. I noticed as my sister was born (four years after my birth), that the older we got the less involve and/or capable he was at dealing with us. I'd liken my father to more of a pet lover, unable to deal with children once they had developed mentally. Unable to relate once we questioned the world or him even in the simplest things of life. So from the very moment I could remember anything, I don't remember any kind of relationship with him. And unfortunately the older I got, the less involved with my life he became. As I'm sure my siblings will tell the same.

Ya know, my father's father pasted away when he was only 16. From what I'm told he was a very hard man. I suppose the main reason for this is that the man had 12 children. I still wonder to this day what kind of effect it must have had on him. At times I even pity him for it. I can't imagine what it must have been like to watch your father die slowly from a tumor at 16. It's funny how lives echo in time. A man I have never met and will never know has effected my life so greatly.
My father was like a cold harsh day, everyday. As children me, my brother, and my sister coveted any moment of sunshine he gave us though they were very few.
Being the middle child left me introverted. I read books a lot, listen to music, and wrote things down. WoW, now that I think of it I've been writing for my own personal pleasure since I was about 8 or 9 years old. Writing has always been comforting to me, and a way to meditate on my thoughts. I was different, and for a long time I didn't see that in a positive light. Maybe if I'd been into sports more, or other "usual things" for boys me and my father could've bonded more. We were just too different. I've noticed this even when relating to my brother. As I progressed into my teenage years my parents divorced and so as they separated my ties with my father separated as well to become more worse than they had ever been.
And his continued rejection of me on into my 20's turned my sorrow to a hate of some kind. We live in the same town, sometimes just around the corner, but I always had to go to him. As the 31 year old man I am today, I can only think of one time that my father has been to any home I have ever owned, rented, or lived in. For all my accomplishments, I only wish I could have shared them with him, instead of someone else father. Being that most of my peers are men at least 11 years older than me, and for the most part always have been.

And now in this day, isn't it ironic that I find myself in the same place with my very own son? Wishing. As a child I wanted to be closer to my father, and as a father, I wish I was closer to my own son who is not 13 years of age. What have I missed in 13 years of trying to make that bond? Do I lack this skill because of a lack of relationship with my own father, and his lack with his? The story of how he came to be is so much unlike mine, and could also play a role. As of late especially since his lack of involvement in my life has been used as a weapon by his mother in ways that are entirely frustrating. It's been made quite clear to me in so many conversations that I am not needed, other than child support. With people, things are so complicated. So in a life so full of accomplishment and success, I tend to sit sad on a self made throne of ambition. Because the two people I want so badly to share it with have better things to do.

I've already said too much......... this is how I'm feeling today.

"We are all just children really, trying to find our way." -Anthony Elrod-

Back Stabbers

"Respect is not expected but it's given cause it's real, being neglected is the norm, so expect it." -DMX-

Ya know, it's rough when you try to be real about things, and just say what you feel. Especially when the people around you are fake. I've made my mistakes in life and when brought to the light I can access and admit guilt if need be, I even try to better myself from it best I can. I'm the type of person who expects and isn't bothered by the fact that people can and will talk shit on you behind your back, but isn't it worse when you find that the shit is coming from someone you would call a friend? I'm sure I've written something on this topic before.

I can't deal with people I call friend, talking shit behind my back and smiling in my face. If you have a problem, just be real about it and tell me. Some of these people actually hold a grudge for like 3 years. You don't have anything better to do with your time?
Tired of people not surprising me, and doing dumb shit. Tired of looking the asshole at the end of it. Tired, tired, tired.

A message to the youth, - "these trials come with living your life."

Side note. Don't be too surprise at who chooses what side in the fallout, but I'm sure you will be haha. Hell I still don't even know completely why I've lost half my friends, though most of it was just over bullshit. He said, she said, jealously, envy, spite, or a greater loyalty to those who chose the route furthest from mine. Time is changing me to stone. How do I have friends when the closest have let me down so badly? Is it me? Am I just too big of an asshole for anyone to deal with? I wish these fake folks was real enough to tell me before they hated me for being no better than them. I mean don't we all have our shortcomings you sorry muthafuckaz!??? (that was a rhetorical ? for you slow ones)
I just wanna live man, I'm doing me. Chill the fuck out. I'm not taking anything off anyones plate, I'm too damn busy out getting mine. I'm so hungry about it I step on toes sometimes, I'm not trying to fuck anyone over, I just be too damn focused sometimes. Ya know, friends are there to put you in ya place sometimes too, it's not all about the sunny days remember? Sometimes it's about the rain. The damn gloomy ass rain.

I used to call people out on here really bad years ago, but I won't be doing that any more, maybe I'm just growing up or something.


.............. Otherwise I would name names tonight.


P.S.
"Every breath I breathe until the moment I'm deceased will be another moment ballin as a G" -Tupac Shakur-

Believer that.

All Right, OKay

SoOoOoOo, much insecurity.
Where does it all come from? I get props man, I mean I really get props on this music stuff, and looking from the 3rd person, I can see why. I mean it's good stuff man. REALLY GOOD stuff. LOL, no this ain't no promo. There won't be no link to my shit saying "LISTEN TO THIS" and "BUY THAT". I'm really not into shit like that. Probably why I'm not where most people think I am or should be. On the road, getting money off it. My life is good man, I wake, I stretch, I get my eat on, workout, and hit the block. Got my lil 9 to 5 that pays damn good. And in the late night I write. On my blog or on them beats I get from Cali. On another tip though, I really thought the music would be that easy. Put out hot shit and the yellow brick road would just fall before you. You'd get the Lion, Scarecrow, and Tin man, and be off to see that wizard in emerald city. He'd give me that Porsche I wanted and a phat crib and I could chill. Instead it's about who you know. LOL, I DON'T KNOW NOBODY MAN!!! Still happy though, and I like writing, never gonna stop. Never.

But.....
Like most people I get nervous on stage. Like really nervous. And then I get sick. Nobody knows, but it drives me crazy. And after all the cheers and people coming up to me telling me how great the show was and what not I smile and settle in. Getting on stage is always easier than getting off it. And that's my achilles heel I guess, but I'm a writer not a rapper man. I just like writing to music truth be told. My voice is built for public speaking, but my soul isn't. Well, sometimes it is. There's something euphoric about being on stage when everything is coming together perfectly. Wish I could get on stage more. I think I just need to do that shit till it's nothing to do it, or just get really drunk everytime. Fuck dat though! LOL! Anyway man, I've just peeped that people can follow my blogger these days so i thought I'd give 'em something new to read. Sorry you guys missed out on PL's hey day. I don't know maybe we can start something new.

Peace yall.

Sunday Drive

Spaced Out

So. What have I been up to these days???
Absolutely NOTHING. I work, sleep, and eat. It's like I'm on auto pilot. Constantly missing Heather and looking forward to our future together. Sounds corny?? Maybe it does. So what. Right?? It's been a journey since I first started writing this blog. I've definitely had my ups and downs as far as life goes. Women have come and gone, MONEY, lol has come and gone. The last ten years and everything in them has come and gone.
And now I seek the calm.
Calm before the new year/decade of what will be a constant. Beginning with Heather.

So for now I've just been taking a break, reading and clearing my mind. Finding serenity is a daily quest so I stop and appreciate even the simplest things in life. Hell just the other day i sat and meditated to the heat vent blowing in my room. I think about the walls, the direction I'm facing, and enjoy the feeling of deep breaths and a quiet mind. No revelation, no new understanding, just leaving things as they are and have been presented to me, but taking the time to notice them in a new light that has always been there.
Ya know?

I don't want anymore drama. I intend to move forward in as constant a true manner as I possibly can. I don't wanna deal with anyone who deals with "shit" in general or who can even bring it into my life. I need to relax so badly. And that is all I want.
Haha, I'm even gonna watch Saturday morning cartoons again! (Well if i can get thru them, they baby kids too much these days)

So anyway that me towards the close of 2009. Just chilling and spaced out. I'm in the eye of the storm as far as I'm concerned.
Just chill till it's time to man up and pass thru the other side. I'm Focused man, and since I've gotten rid of all the dead weight I'm surround by the few I can trust.

And I believe that.

Yall be cool.

MY MINI

Small? Yes. Plenty of room for me? Yes. Fun to drive?? Incredibly.

Not exactly the type of ride you pull up in front of the club in but hey. I dare to be different.

Two Months ago.........

Ok so I'm sitting her today (sick) and I'm wondering in light of my new years resolution to leave Kansas for once and for all. How bad do you want this bro? How bad could it be? Your leaving this place and a relatively good job, to pursue a dream/change of lifestyle so one day you don't wake up 15 years from now wondering why your still living in Topeka. The problem is I have responsibilities here that just aren't so easy to walk away from. But, how bad could it be if I just said fuck it all and got outta dodge. I could pick back up on that stuff as soon as I got my shit situated. The bigger picture is that I don't have a life here, and I'm not enjoying my life here. Is this selfish? I mean you only live once right? Can I live?

I've already sacrificed over a decade to this place and my affairs in it. I'm running a tread mill here, and happiness has escaped me, in spite of achievements many would view as success. Truly money does not buy happiness. Also, and I don't know what it is about this place but my music is at a stand still. I suppose I'm just not writing what this demographic is into, and I'm cool with that i guess. I mean it would have been nice to be respected in my craft more here, but you can't win them all right? Besides I get plenty of love outside of state....... I just wanna be there.

I can't regret being here. I got some much out of it. I became a man here. I just think it's time to move on. And I just wonder if this is something I need to be patient about. I feel this urgency to get the hell on by any means, cause this ain't living. On the flip side, LOL. Tony wants to get married. Single life as been good I must say, but I feel like I need a change of pace. I've done so much on my own in this beautiful struggle, I'm ready to have a partner now been praying on it for sometime now. Regardless of whatever dating I've been doing for the last 6 years emotionally I've been "singe". The last woman I gave my heart to didn't really act right (lol). I'm over that shit now though. As the years went by I also got to know myself better, in short after all this time I know I'm ready to settle in. Not with anybody though. But she will come...... if she hasn't already.

They love to point the Finger!

It's mad funny how everyone is taking shots at my character these days. Soooo..... I'm a lying, backstabbing, weak ass, selfish, egotistical, arrogant, asshole, fake sonova..... oh hell you fill in the blanks. Half the people who read this probably have their own negative word to describe me.

I read things. People tell me things.... I think you are funny. Especially since these same people called me at some point if not still... a friend. I could sit here and play the role like that shit don't bother me but it does. I could easily put some things about All of you who talking shit but I won't. And the last post about John, that was really being easy on him. And like him some of you I really had a lot of love for, in spite of my faults. These last few months have been crazy for me, but things turned out like I knew they would. So first I wanna say fuck you to the doubters. Second, when I was down there were some I really thought would be there, you weren't... So fuck you too. On specific shit I suppose we could get into that but I would like to put it like this.

What did I do to you??

I mean really. When I got issues with people I take it to them. You don't have to figure me out. I don't mind that type of confrontation. Especially with people I have to deal with on a daily basis. So if I'm coming to you about issues I have with you. Why do I have to hear or read about you talking shit or having a problem with me? What kind of shit is that??

And I'm selfish. Fuck you people man. FUCK YOU!!

I get all this silence and shit in person. But then I get you hear all this shit you got to say from other people and on the fucking internet.
I would be in your face about this shit right now if you wasn't str8 cut the fuck off.

:) So now I hope you "get the fucking clue." Aside from my blog, I really don't run around telling lies and spreading my propaganda on people. I'm wiping my hands clean of this place soon any way so fuck it.

And once again.
Fuck you.

TransFormers

"More than meets thee eye"

I didn't want to do this, but I fell like I need to in hopes of protecting my integrity as a friend, as an emcee, and most of all as the man I claim to be.

If you don't know the history I've kicked it and ran ryhmes with Kansas City's beloved John "StikFiga" Westbrook for about 10 years now. And our true professional attempts at Hip-Hop have existed since we resurrected the "ONLYONES CrEW" in 2005 with Mike "LOve" Jones. We are from TOPEKA You can find our efforts on myspace @ http://www.myspace.com/theonlyonescrew-Links for each artist in the top five.

Since our first project "The Skinny" a trend began. We ALL would head to the studio, have a good time and make good music. But when it came time for release........ if any of you have heard that mixtape none of Stik's crew are on it, but "MacLethal" a local KC rapper who's made quite a name for himself. As a matter of fact if they been listening no one can tell me a final product that "StikFiga" has put out with HIS closest crew on it. Stik introduced me to Mike "LoveJones" in the fall of 2005. Upon introduction I was told that Mike was "The deal". "I fucks wit him" is how it was put to me. So I fucked with him too. I see now that after Mike's usefulness was over, so was the need to have him around as I listened from the same man mouth that "we need to loose the white boy".
I remember when John (StikFiga) first got his endorsement with Oddisee out in D.C.. He tells Mike "We put in our applications and I got the job." It seemed to me that upon some prospect of success, he found no regard for those who've stood with him. I've never been much of a hater, when I heard the news I was happy for him. I still am. (On a side note just earlier that year the Cali Agents was getting at us thru me. And he was eager to keep the crew together till it fell thru.)

My only issue with John (Stik). Is the same issue I've always had. And the one that finally broke the camels back. I've been there since the beginning, and we out there trying to do this for us and ours. These people you big up and speak on in these interviews ain't your crew. So why do you mention them and not those close who you claim are so talented?? Explain that. And explain that to those who you do big up.

Because with my own ears I've heard John "StikFiga" Westbrook disrespect MacLethal, Approach, CEsCru, Greg Enemy, Dutch Newman, and a few others. In our last confrontation he claimed most of you are just the opportunist that I am stating he is. This coming from his own mouth. What you read above is just a brief glimpse into so much more.
I'm a loyal dude to the people I got love for. I don't expect anyone to stop dealing with Stik. Dude is talented and I don't think anyone can hold him back. Just know what type of cat you dealing with.

Like I said before I didn't want to do this. But John. When you went to Nadia at the Pitch and made it come off like I was "boo hoo" over not being mentioned. I didn't appreciate that. Because I came to you about how I felt about the issues we have as a whole. And I warned you to walk away from that conversation with a piece of mind. And if you or anyone else can't see the point I'm trying to make then fuck you and them.
When you and Mike fell out I looked at both sides and gave you the benefit of the doubt. This last month is like a slap in the face, and professionally I think it's too late to make that shit right. I still wanna salvage a friend ship out of this, but know that I don't wanna deal with you on any type of music level. I'm gonna wrap up this project that Me and You worked on and call it a day. Since it's going to California I hope you get something more out of it. I don't expect you to mention it at all here. It's the last solid I'm hitting you with on my connection list. While in regards to music, thank you for nothing. It's time to support those who support me, and I wish ya well bro.

Do yourself a favor and do not respond to this post in a unfavorable way.

I can go deeper.